22, Wednesday. As I type the word 'Wednesday' I shudder. It started out good and ended with a visit to the toilet saint and offering up everything I had for a late lunch right before mutual. It hadn't even bothered to digest itself! I didn't go to mutual. My count-down for not throwing up as back at 2 days. And I was doing so good! I had made the 17 day mark!
My body disgusts me sometimes. I know what it is about pregnancy that bothers me. It's like I don't even know myself anymore. My body turns into the havoking, puking mess and I don't want to be around people because that takes too much effort and I don't want to do much of anything because I have a constant turmoil going on in my intestines and apparently this week was the week for headaches because today is the first day all week I don't have one. And by goodness I have been sure to drink my water and all that to rule out the headaches but those things are persistent. And, of course, my body is healthy and 'normal' and the doctor never says anything is going wrong with any pee test or blood test that I take. Everything is just peachy. But I don't feel peachy. I feel quite asparagusy. Disgusting. It's a nice thing to think about, that my body is just fine and growing babies is what it can do without totally medically freaking out. I don't have to be on bed rest or eating certain foods to deal with gestational diabetes or anything. Count your dang blessings! But oh my goodness.
I feel like I go from one emotional roller coaster to the other. The counselor revised my 'diagnosis' after meeting with me a few times. First, I went to counseling because I was feeling depressed and all my signs were pointing toward that but I didn't want to do medication. I knew something 'less deep' was wrong and just needed someone to help me figure things out. So I get to the counselor and they label it as anxiety and then after a few sessions it gets labeled as an adjustment disorder. But the word disorder isn't used... I forget. Anyways. What started out as HUGE has been re-directed to something not so huge and I feel better and more like myself than I have in a long time, but at the same time, I don't. Because I am pregnant and feeling cruddy messes with more than just my physical well-being. It makes me anti-social and harder to relate to people because I really just don't care. I don't care. Everything that used to matter doesn't anymore and while it's nice to be so relaxed it's kind of annoying when paired with the fact that I don't want to be around people because I don't care enough to carry through with a conversation.
The almost worst part is that I had gotten ready for the day. Actually put on a bra and jeans and makeup. Did my hair and went out to visit one of the girls who is having as hard of time as I am with her puking and feeling cruddy. I just want to take her and wrap her in a hug. When I got there with Shirley, we were also doubling in a calendar meeting, Jaimie's best friend was there, spending the day with her. I was so glad to see her I gave them both hugs. That is something rare. To have a friend who is just fine with sitting with you when you are so sick and no fun to be around. And I just loved that they had each other.
So here I was, all ready for going to mutual and I vomit just as I should be walking out the door. Steven had to go to mutual to announce a few things for the scouts and because he thinks he will be 'more in the know' if he goes on Wednesdays to talk with the leaders and all that. I sent him with a couple of supplies for that night's craft project and Alaska and went to bed.
23. Brittany came over to give me a baby shower invitation. I was thrilled to have her and we talked and talked and talked. It was so good to have an old friend my age to be with. We decided to carpool together after she offered and then quickly followed up with, "I mean, if you want to. If you wouldn't rather drive in by yourself." Because that's how well she knows me and she knows that yes, I may just prefer to drive myself and would say yes to carpool to be nice. But I really did and do want to carpool with her. I just love being with her. And I especially love that she gets it.
Alaska took a three and half hour nap and I was able to get a nap in, as well. The evening still drug on and Steven was at work until 9 pm. I put her to bed at 7:30, complete with cleaning up toys and brushing teeth and stories. And crawled into bed to wait. I had a couple of requests for snacks and had to be awake to get them. Something I have learned. If your body wants something, you aren't going to sleep until you get it. Especially if you know you can get it and it's on its way. Even if it doesn't come through the door until 10:20.
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