Big News!

Exciting news around here!

Pregnant! Another baby of our own! I am sicker than anything I remember - and I was super sick with Alaska. I wake up at night with nausea and can't get back to sleep. I was throwing up everything that I ate for a little while there. For the past two days I have been able to make it until 3! Wahoo for small steps. This is the worst part of it all. Steven thought I would be all worried about giving birth and that's the part that I would dread the most. But no, the part that I dread the most is the throwing up. I have decided this is the last time. And I am about 75% serious. I hate being sick. And if we keep doing this fostering thing, I am sure we will find someone to make our family complete at 4 kids. And if we don't, that's not so bad, either. Lots of people have three kids.

I haven't made an appointment yet. Doctor appointments are what I am the worst at. I am kind of thinking I want to do the midwife thing this time around. But actually, I want to deliver at Immanuel Hospital because it is the closest and most easy to get to hospital in Oregon to us and I will do whatever I have to do to make that possible.

All of C's appointments for her bladder/kidney stuff were at Immanuel and I have really gotten to know that place. After C had her surgery, I also got to know the food pretty well. And they have THE BEST croissant breakfast sandwiches. Amazing. I am sold. But they don't have the sugar cookies like OHSU does. Those people know their cookies. So I am in a quandary because those sugar cookies really pulled my days up while in the hospital. But the croissants! And the close driving and easy directions. I am searching out my options.

C's medical appointments have also been right here in town at the Legacy Clinic. I don't like the doctors as much as I do at the OHSU clinic in Scappoose, but I kind of feel like I just want something super close this time around. Even though Scappoose isn't that far (15 min). And I always got Dairy Queen ice cream on the way home. Which was a big bonus. I'd forgotten about that until just now. Maybe I just need to keep OHSU for the ice-cream trips and the sugar cookies after delivery.

Lots of Evaluations

A few weeks ago C went to the children's program. This is where the most challenging behaviors are looked at by a professional and then evaluated and given recommendations. C's sister did this when the kids first came into care and because she wasn't labeled as extremely difficult, DHS decided it wouldn't be beneficial to do the other kids.

Fast forward a year and all the foster parents are at their wits ends and the mom and dad aren't getting their stuff together and the more I want things to get taken care of and get settled so they can all go home, the more it looks like this case is just going to be pushed and pushed. AND right now our county has a judge that is very much 'give kids back to their bio families - most especially the moms' which has been sickening in a few very recent cases that I have heard of. A judge who goes against multiple agencies saying that the birth-mom is not a viable option and the judge sending kids back to bio-mom anyways.

But back to the kids. Basically, what finally pushed this all over the edge for the children's program was the CASA and how there needs to be more documentation on how high-needs these kids are. C was high-wired for 4 or 5 days after this evaluation. Obviously there is more below the surface than any of us thought. The following is an e-mail that I sent out to those involved in the case as an update.

The counselor/doctor/ therapist I really have no idea who he was. But he acknowledged, that yes, she takes a lot of time and energy as far as re-directing and being distracted goes. He spent about half a hour with C alone and had some games to play with her, but they were games with expectations attached and C caught on to that super fast. Casey saw her frustration level rise as it often does when she is asked to do something she doesn't want to do/takes longer than she thinks it should. 

Her unawareness of 'personal space' is something he also got to see. He was typing at his computer while talking to her and a rock on the other side of the desk caught her eye. Even though he was in-between C and the rock, she went down, under his desk where he was typing and past his legs to pop up on the other side to retrieve and examine the rock. She could have gone around just as easily, but less directly.

This was all relieving to hear. He was very empathetic.

He then dropped the idea that she may have ADHD. Of course it wasn't something that he suggested labeling at this point in her development, but he thought it would be useful to have that label in the picture, to have it on the radar. Her ability to switch from one thing to the next and be everywhere at once was marveling to him. Compounded with her brightness. She has a lot of learning potential, he said, and could tell from the little time with her that she is perceptive and bright. Catching onto things quickly. Her energy and 'flightiness' is a lot to handle.

During their time together he asked her to draw a picture of her family. C started out drawing 'mom' and he wasn't sure if that was me or Kathleen (it was Kathleen because she calls me Jessica, but he wouldn't have known that) but then she stopped, looked a little bewildered and changed her mind, making it into herself. She refused to go on and he thought it interesting that she put up such a block to that. He tried to ask her leading questions about her family and she pretty much shut down for him, wiggling her way into doing another activity. He didn't want to push her, but he definitely noticed that it was uncomfortable for her and found it interesting that she was not open to talking about any of it. With how wide open she had been previously and after, he was interested in this dynamic. Why it's so closed off. He didn't have anything to say about it, other than it was interesting.

There were no recommendations or a list of 'things to do' from the 5 minute follow-up I had with him, which is where he told me about these experiences with C during their half hour together. I will be interested in seeing the whole prognosis. All four kids did an hour with mom and then lunch and then an hour with dad. 

That was a couple weeks ago. And then we got this other update from our counselor. We have transitioned out of the Parent Child Interactive Therapy and are into Child Parent Psychotherapy. I filled out a little mental health survey for C while her counselor observed her playing for an hour. And from what I can gather, C went nuts. Not having me there to help her regulate herself with expectations and she went off the handle. Her counselor came out of there looking a little bewildered about what just went down.

The counselor calculated the results for the two of us to go over last week and it was enlightening. Here's an update on that:

C's results from her last counseling session came in. It was a survey I filled out with mental health questions on it and her counselor calculated it all and we went over the results today. I don't remember what it was called. But what it showed was C is still being affected by the trauma she has gone through. Mostly in the areas of avoidance (not wanting to talk about her past) and arousal (being constantly busy/easily irritated/impulsive). The counselor said that often kids with arousal PTSD showing are often mislabeled as ADHD, which had me thinking about what the specialist at the children's program had noticed, as well. We will do the parent child psychotherapy and then will re-asess in three months time to see what progress has been made in those two areas. 

Something else we talked about was ways to keep C calm. To give her body and mind a break and to be sensitive to her needs for safety and connection. I am going to be working hard on these for the next while until they become second-nature. I get super stressed in the morning trying to get everyone out the door on time and stressed again at bed time, trying to get everyone in bed on time. These are my two areas of highest needs and I am working on myself, on staying calm during these times and giving the time needed to make success happen. 

The specialist at the children's program did get me thinking, with the potential label of ADHD, I began brainstorming ways to get C calm at night. Understanding that her mind needs some extra un-winding time. We have a good, solid routine and if I add more to it, the routine will last more than I have patience for. We already do teeth, jammies, stories, prayers, 5 minutes with each kid talking about their day. This is enough to have Alaska calmed down and ready for bed. C is often up for another hour, which was never a huge deal in the past, but now that school is going on, it was beginning to freak me out.  I picked up some children's melatonin at Walmart the other day and have been giving her the prescribed dosage every night. It has helped immensely! It used to take her a hour to fall asleep, just being awake, in bed, but now she is ready to fall asleep the same time Alaska is and that has cut down a lot of the bedtime drama, as well. It used to be, before, last week, that C would keep Alaska up by tossing and turning or singing to herself or whatever. There aren't as many bathroom or drink needs and evenings run much smoother as the melatonin kicks in and C is calm enough to not make a ruckus about herself but can focus on getting things done. 

So - with all that backstory. The counselor had also mentioned looking at C's behavior through the trauma lense of needing connection and safety. I have been doing my best to make those happen. Reminding her a few times a day that she's safe, asking her about her heart beat. Things like when she is happy and calm her heart beat is slow and when she is upset her heart beat is fast. Noticing the difference and she has come to tell me a few times this week, "Jessica! My heart beat is slow! I am happy!" That has been a good change. For her to recognize that. And as far as trying to use more connection, I am bending over more, getting to her level, using more touch, and when she does something really good, I compliment her quick when she does it, but then bring it back up later in the day about how much I appreciated her doing whatever it was she did.

AND!!! It was payday today. These come just every once-in-awhile and I am quick to write them down because for every payday there is negative numbers coming from my patience bank by the hundreds. Like today when we went to pick up Alaska, we talked about having a quiet voice and whispering because there are kids at Alaska's school that are trying to sleep. We get in the door and BANG! Alaska! I MISSED YOU!!!! and it's loud enough that Alaska's teacher has to tell her to be quiet. And then there are other conversations that happened two more times that the teacher had to hush her for. It was embarrassing. 

But, today being payday. We got pizza today for dinner. And there are those little 'tables' that they put in the middle of the slices. One for Alaska and one for C. Talmage took Alaska's and Alaska was having a bigger melt-down about it than she should have been. C gave Alaska her table! No prompting. Just saw how upset Alaska was and gave hers to her. And then a second thing tonight, C put all the toothbrushes back in the drawer. Not just her own, but Alaska and Talmage's, too. And the third thing... oh goodness, what was it? I don't even remember, but it was something to make my heart swell and it's that feeling that I can't forget. Something that was being a peace-maker again. Where she was extra-nice to Talmage, which is also a rare thing in itself since she is always competing for attention with him. 

Maybe all this is going to pay off, after all. Thank goodness there are good, sweet moments. 

A Successful Morning Shopping Trip

I don't even know what it was. But today, so far, we've had success.

A morning shopping trip with C and Talmage because Alaska is in school. C had no school today, Halloween, because her teachers are doing parent/teacher conferences. I had hers at 9:15 and was told stuff that was surprising (good) and stuff that is like, "Oh, so now you see it?" not so good. I am not so crazy. It's just nice to see others struggle, ya know? To be recognized for the hard work I am doing.

C knows a large majority of her letters and sounds and can say a word that begins with that letter. She is able to problem solve on her own, as given an example of a whole long process she did one day.  Which the teacher pointed out is often the norm, but it shows that she is capable. Math is still a struggle, as is sharing and delaying her gratification and obeying rules.

We did a quick in-and-out at Target where I knew exactly what I needed and didn't even bother putting Talmage in a cart because he was doing a great job holding hands and keeping up. C was staying close, which we had talked about before going in, and there we were. Two kids and a mom. C carried the two items that we went in for and I wrangled Talmage a little. Because, even if he can hold hands in the parking lot and keep up with me while we cruise to an isle, once we are at the destination his hands start wandering and I here him chirp, "Me, me, me" at things that he likes and wants to bring home. Note to self, he's still not aware enough to be out of the cart.

Which is funny to me. Because if I had another baby right now, he would be the big boy, and would need to keep his hands in his pockets while in the store and I wouldn't have the option of plopping him in a cart. We rise to what is expected of us. And right now, I am not expected to have a 2 year-old who walks beside me without touching stuff, so it's just easier to put him a cart and contain the matter for a few more months. I hope I am not doing him a dis-service.

Target went well so I was prepared to go a quick Old Navy trip. I had done my research online and knew what I needed to be looking for. Found it all by only having to do one back-track loop in the store and then looked at little girl clothes for a little too long, which Talmage let me know all about. He is so noisy sometimes. Not necessarily unhappy noises, just loud. Gum saved my buns this round. A promise of a piece of gum if he could be quiet and then we were out of there. C carried the clothes that I had picked out for her and an extra pair of leggings she had found. She had been carefully staying close and while I was looking at some things she busied herself looking at leggings. When she picked a pair I had to explain to her that the (xs) was too small and she needed to find a hanger with an (m) on it. She did and also found an (s) for Alaska. It was pleasant.

At check-out there are all. the. things. C touched many a thing, saying that she wanted it. We had a good conversation while the cashier put in my coupon codes about putting things on our birthday lists and how we had gum in the car waiting for us already. She was receptive to it all and we made it out without any troubles.

Breath of fresh air! Sweet relief! We did it! And I just had to come here to blog about it because it was such a miracle!

Oh! And! And they had both been doing so well that we went to Panda Express for lunch. This is something Alaska and I have been doing since she could chew food. And even before that. It's our most favorite tradition of going into Hillsboro/Tanasbourne and doing our shopping and then getting lunch before coming home.

C and Talmage waited at a table while I ordered, which is also a huge step from C having to come 'tell me something' while I am trying to do our orders. I got Talmage the rice and teriyaki chicken and he was even big enough to eat the rice while leaning over his plate. These milestones! C ate her chicken, which is also a big step, because that girl won't eat chicken unless it is heavily marinated and no longer resembles chicken. That last time I took her to Panda she tried one noodle, a taste of chicken and declared herself done. We are making progress!

Just Maybe, but No

I suppose having been to the recruitment meeting last night put me up on the radar of a few people because today I got a call from Amanda asking if we could take in a 2 month-old. A whole year has gone by without anyone calling to see if we have space, which of course, we don't.

So it made me feel like we were really missing out on this one. That maybe this one was so special that Amanda felt we needed it. I didn't even ask if it was a boy or a girl. I just had to say, "no". Because we don't have the space. And really, honestly, not really even the time right now, either. And I'll probably always be wondering who it did go to, and how that baby is doing and if I should have said, well, sure, we can make room. If the blessings would out-weigh the trial. I mean, I know it wasn't my baby, but it was almost my baby and that is a weird feeling. So there's that.

I told Amanda that really, we would love to, a baby just sounds so nice right now. Especially since Talmage is not really a baby anymore (he's 2 and some change) but we really don't have the space. Talmage is sleeping in a porta-crib as it is because we have the two girls sharing the bedroom and then Steve and I in the master bedroom with Talmage in the closet. The girls' room is full with their mini-bunkbed, two dressers (although we need three) and a toy shelf that books and toys are kept on. There's not even an option of how to take any of those items out to make room for another bed. The only thing that could be done is to switch rooms. Have the master bedroom be crammed into the girls' room and then put all the kids in the bigger room and there would be room for a toddler bed in there and then a new baby could use the pack-and-play. But I am not sure if I am up to that kind of transition right now. So it was easier to just say, "Nope, we don't have the room right now." Plus, plus! What would I do with a baby while I substituted? I mean, Talmage was three months when I went back to work last time and he survived just fine. But it's another person for the babysitter to transport, and frankly, with what would then be 4 kids, and none of them being able to ride in the front seat yet, then the babysitter would need to drive a car big enough. And that just isn't going to happen. So I guess we are where we are for a reason with how many kids we have. I'll have to be a full-time stay-at-home-mom before we add any more numbers to our kid count. Right now, though, I am saving every penny I can so that we can buy a house.

We need a house. I cannot stay in this little apartment for much longer without going crazy and if I am not saving what I earn it aint gonna happen. So basically, I am racking up whatever jobs I can while keeping my sanity of working two days a week and I can't jeopardize that to take care of someone else's problem of not being able to take care of their kids. I gotta put my own first and then when I've got the time and the house space to do it, I will do it. It's nearly a miracle in itself that we have one extra girl at all! You should have seen us that first night. Taking down Talmage's crib, moving a couch piece around, setting up the pack-and-play for Talmage, running to walmart for another crib mattress. It was a lot to get done in just a few short hours. But we did it. And got to bed at 12 am that day.

But see, see all this that is rushing through my head just by a simple question of could we take one more in? It's a lot of emotional energy.

I called Steven at work to tell him that Amanda had called, even though I had already given our answer. I just needed to share the emotional baggage of saying no, with him. Of the possibilities.

After 5 minutes of the shock wearing off, I e-mailed Amanda saying that if it was an emergency and the baby needed a place for the weekend, we could handle that. 2 month-olds don't really sleep at night, anyways, and I could make sleep happen in our big armchair, in-between getting up to make formula bottles. Talmage was 3 months old before I was putting him in his own bed at night. For three months I spent every night in that chair with him up on my chest. He could do naps on his own, but at night I was too exhausted to fight the crying.

She graciously e-mailed back a, "Thank you for your message, we found another good option and the family is following a safety plan for the weekend." Which basically means, no emergency, and if/when placement happens they have a place. A safety plan is the last resort before removing a child. It's where someone who is approved to be a safety service provider is with the kids and gives 24/7 supervision for the parent, if the parent is there. It is this person who has a lot of say in what goes down afterwards. If the kids are just way too much/parent can't give the safety that they need, then they go into the foster system. If the parents can have a little bit of 'getting it togetherness' then they can keep them. Is how I understand it. That could be all wrong, but that is how I have seen it work in our case.

Fun fact: C gave her little sister, and herself, a haircut the weekend of the safety plan and I am sure countless other things happened, but that is the one that was the most obvious to us, the foster parents. Safety concerns/supervision has been a big deal in this case. And we're not talking small hair cut. We're talking the little sister had to have it all trimmed off to a pixie cut and C looked like she had been given a bad bang job that was trying to be grown out. Thank goodness it wasn't short bangs. It was just chunks of hair missing their length. But it made doing ponytails really tricky because a lot of it wasn't quite long enough to make it into the rubber band.

Recruitment Meeting

I went to a foster parent recruitment night last night. I caught up with a GHOBI representative, which is basically foster care, but on steroids. These kids are high needs behaviorally and mental healthily. You get payed more and maybe I could do it. Maybe not, though, C has been a handful as it is. This GHOBI, whatever it stands for, is new in the community and they are doing a lot of good work for the county. Wrap around services is what they call it. In order to qualify for GHOBI, you have to be subsidized in some other government intervention. Like foster care. Our CASA is looking in to getting our case transferred from CCMH (columbia county mental health) to this GHOBI place for maybe more resources to help the kids that are placed with us. They are a mess, as always. As I talked to the rep, though, I am not sure if our kids are a mess enough. We're talking about kids who do self-harm, who blow up at school with biting and spitting and stuff who cannot regulate their own emotions. C doesn't do that. She mostly has listening and following direction problems and a need for attention that overrules all of her taught skills. It's still a headache. We're going on a year, all the counseling we did over the summer and it's often just as frustrating as it was. More good days, but those bad days hit just as hard and fast as always.

After catching up with the GHOBI people I talked to a certifier who is the other half of our certifier. Sounds weird, but what it is, is that we have a certifier that works two, 10 hour days. And then she has a partner who does the second part of the week, the other two, 10 hours days. She was absolutely so nice and approachable. She answered a few questions for me, too. I felt very much more in the 'know' after having talked to her and that was fulfilling. If the night had ended there, it would have been fine.

But! I got to talk to a parent unit with their son about becoming foster parents. It was invigorating to have the answers they needed and to just give them a little of the lowdown. Something I wish I would have had when I was looking into the process. I remember seeing a post about someone reaching out for foster parents on facebook. It was a family member posting, not DHS or anyone representing them, and it just hit me so hard that I cried that night. Two girls needed a home ASAP and there was nothing I could do about it.  I then contacted almost everyone that commented on that post who I felt like might know something, anything, about the foster care process and it was tedious work. To have an open meeting like the one last night would have been so excellent!

This is something that I love. My passion. I have found it. Surrounding myself with people who have the same passion is so beautiful. And being able to share my knowledge and experiences with people is just great, too. I was flying high on my way out of there and then Amanda (The recruitment head person. She teaches the classes and puts together all the messages about training opportunities) reached out to me and asked if Steven and I would be willing to come in and talk about our experiences on a panel for her next training. Heck yes! She says this, "I just thought of you. You are fairly new, you are part of sibling unit that works seamlessly together, you have a relationship with the bio-parents that, I don't know what it is, but it works. And you've had your fair share of unexpected things like C's surgery and the need for a new caseworker - although that can't be advertised too openly because then everyone will want a new one." When you put it all like that, then yes, yeah, it's a lot. I have a lot to share. In my short year of doing this service I have kind of run the gauntlet. When I first met the attorney that represents the kids he says something to the extent, "This is your first foster experience? I can't believe you got such a complicated case for your first one." And back then, we didn't know what that meant. We had no idea what other people's experiences were, we were just along for the ride. And now, having met more people and heard more incredible things than I can even remember, I see what he means. Yes, we got a hard one for this first one. I can only hope that they get easier after this.

I was just so estatic, though, to be asked to be on the panel. Success! It may be a small way to measure a job well-done, but I will measure away. Of course, when I tell people this incredible story of being chosen to be on the panel they just nod their heads and say, 'of course' - but really. I am just so happy! I don't see myself as doing anything too super special, and yet I can have such great success just by being the person that I am and doing the things that I do naturally. It feels good.

Stake Auxilliary Meeting

The meeting was fabulous. And the car ride was fabulous. It all turned out to be a great way to end the night.

President Opdahl gave a moving spiritual thought about loving those we serve. I have been feeling so depleted lately. Like the fact that having three kids is so much harder and time consuming than having two. It's like I can't even focus long enough to get things done without someone coming in, needing something. Or someone else coming along to report some tattling. It's exhausting. It's all I can do to keep my little family running smoothly. I don't have the time and the energy, nor the motivation, to keep up with much else.

Which is where my church calling has been suffering. I can do the basics. But I can't do extra. Being paired with the youth, where everything feels like it is extra, is starting to take it's toll. Instead of a job to do for Sunday, it's a job to do for Sunday, Wednesday (youth group night) and during the week because I feel like they need the prayers on their behalf, the thoughts on their behalf and I really so badly wanted to do a little surprise for them for the first day of school. And then the first day of school turned into the first week of school and it still never got done. I want these girls to know that I love them, but I just can't do anything extra right now. C takes up all of my thoughts and my resources and any other time that I think I might have. It's taxing. But so rewarding and I know I am doing what I ought to be doing - I just need to find a way to squeeze out a little more for those girls that I am in stewardship over. And that is where the blessings come in, I know. Heavenly Father is looking out for me and when he sees the effort that I put in I know that he will magnify that effort so that it all comes around full circle. Just gotta have the faith (and the concentration) to make it happen.

The spiritual thought though: Love can fill the gaps of what we cannot do. The spirit can touch the hearts of all and if we teach with the spirit we cannot go wrong. Basically, if the girls feel the love that I have for them, then those days when things kind of fall apart, will be ok. Because the love will fill in where I have failed.  And if I am teaching by the spirit, then something will stick to their heart enough to make whatever lesson it is we had be of importance to them. Which is reassuring because so often I look at the lesson topics on Sunday and wonder, "What in the world is this? How can I teach this so that it matters? They've heard this stuff a million times already, what is going to make this different?" And you know what? I don't have to make it all fancy. So long as the spirit is there to testify and speak to them - they will learn something worthwhile. And that is good news for a teacher.

After the spiritual thought with everyone all together, we were split into our existing auxiliaries. Young Women presidencies, Primary, Relief Society and Sunday School. The young women's lesson started out a little shaky but ended strong. A video was shown with President Monson narrating. Something about a sugar beet farmer. He was driving all his beets to market and the load was so full he was losing beets along the roadside. He had the field hands driving behind him stop to pick up the beets that had fallen off, saying, "There is just as much sugar in those that fall off the truck as those that are still on." Which goes to say, the girls who aren't coming to church on Sunday or mutual on Wednesdays - they are just as precious and good as those who are loaded carefully on the truck, tucked in with scriptures/prayer and positive peers and supportive family. Which is hard to remember sometimes because those girls are so often the ones that are the least lovable and seem to have the least amount of sugar. Except for in our case. The young woman that I am most worried about is the quietest little thing that just slips in and out and while the other girls try to out-reach to her, she bows her head and will not make eye-contact. I have talked to her mom about it and her mom literally said, "She's just fine at home. I see no reason to worry."

There were a couple of one-liners that were unforgettable, "Our service is to save souls."  "Testify of the truthfulness of Christ."  and, "Never let your faith be difficult to detect." And I just realized that all of those have alliteration. Well, it makes them easy to remember, what can I say? Note to self, next time I make up a talk for sacrament meeting, make up a sentence with alliteration.

I could probably write a paragraph about each of those right now, but honestly, I am so worn out from today's events. I didn't even get to talk about them because I was so busy catching up from Wednesday. A job for tomorrow. Always a day behind, it feels like.

This is the Life I Chose

You want to know what happens to me? Well, I sign in to write on this bloggedy-blog and I get sucked into my 'following' section of blogs that I enjoy reading. Not my favorites, my favorites I show up for at the end of the night to coast through beautiful words and photos. But the ones that I don't see often and actually kind of forget about until I sign in to write my own post. And then all of a sudden a hour is gone by and I have accomplished not a whole lot and I definitely feel inadequate to write anything after reading so many wonderfully written and descriptive days of others. So I sign out and call it a go and vow not to forget 'that one thing Alaska said,' or that 'way I felt when that part happened'. And of course, I do forget, and then I vow to get on here more often and record more stuff and keep life-documenting. But I don't. Because I am a lady with a busy schedule and things to do and kids to teach how to be kind and solve their own problems and all that.

Today though, something special happened.

I absolutely loving substituting. Especially as I have gained a family through working at the alternative school. A family of high-strung, loud and extra-obnoxious teenagers. The ones who don't quite fit in at the high school because they are so high-strung, or anxiety ridden, or really just hate showing up for classes. What-have-you. They're teenagers, and not the kind that you see at church sitting with their families during sacrament meeting or at youth group on Wednesday.

I love it so much, and I love the paycheck mid-month, that sometimes it's easier to measure my success by that paycheck than it is by the less satisfying number of breakfasts, lunches and dinners made and cleaned up, the amount of laundry pushed through the machines and stuffed into drawers and the more objective things like the kindness my children show to others and their ability to problem-solve an issue of sharing.

Anyways, to save my sanity, I have set a goal of subbing 2 days a week. This helps me keep life in perspective. Otherwise I would be wanting to sub every single day and that is just all around a little crazy with three kids and the babysitting schedule I have rigged up for them and not to mention, I need some energy for them and days that I substitute it's hard to stay calm in the mornings when I am trying to get everyone out the door and it's hard to stay calm in the evenings when I come home to a house that was stagnant all day. No dinner made or laundry done or floors vacuumed.

The jist is, that today I made a hard decision. I was called on need to my 'school family' and couldn't do it. It was last minute and all that and it was easier to say no, but I still had to think about it. Hard. I even went to the effort of putting together an elaborative babysitting scheme where I would pick C up early from school and then take her and Talmage to CCEC and have them wait in the office until my mother-in-law could come pick them up. When you sub enough at a small school this kind of stuff becomes a reality.

I called back and had to explain that no, today I just couldn't do that.

And as I hung up, I was empowered. This is the life I chose. I chose to be a stay-at-home mom with a side job. And it is hard sometimes being so capable and having to say no. But instead of saying no, I need to think of it as choosing what I want most.

Today I had my mind all set for staying at home and doing the 'mom gig' as I think of it. I loaded Talmage into the stroller and we walked to C's school to pick her up, walking back home with a friend who lives in the same apartment complex. Not very moms get to do this around here. Who get to choose to do this, nonetheless. The walk was refreshing, even though C all but refused to move from the front door of the school for about 5 minutes because her legs hurt and she wanted to ride in the stroller. Which was another reason it was especially nice to have a friend to walk home with. To get her distracted. That girl. So stubborn.

No one was interested in taking naps - so the two of them played quietly while I did orders (this is what I do for my dad's business) and then we went and picked up Alaska from school. I didn't get around to doing any more of the 'mom gig' as I was emotionally spent after all of the thinking and planning of earlier in the day, but I was home and my children were home and I guess that counts for something.

This evening is a stake auxiliary training for my calling in the young women's program. I am car pooling with a vanful of ladies and it should be a good time. I am looking forward to the drive as much as I am looking forward to the filling of my cup of training. I was really good at doing presidency meetings with my beehives for about a year and then we got a new beehive president and all of a sudden all of my excitement is just gone and it's easier to not. Maybe I can gain some purpose back into this enthusiasm I know I should have.

Hikes

We have done 6 of 10 hikes and it has been eye opening. Do I like hiking, no, not especially. I thought getting out there and seeing cool stuff would be great, which it is, but it's not something I would do for 'fun'. I am doing it to gain a goal. I feel more rounded, which is gratifying, and I enjoy taking a picture at the end to prove that it is done.

My Facebook posts have gained me a little popularity and two people have asked me for suggestions on some local hikes. That is empowering. As if I were an expert on the subject, right? Bah.

It will be something that we do again, next summer. 10 hikes a summer is just about right. It keeps you taking every opportunity that you can and maybe do a little hustling at the end. Which is what we're going to have to do. 2 weeks of summer left and 4 hikes left to do. We are going to Utah on Monday and will need to finish up the hikes there, which will also be fun. Get some variety in my photos. I have a goal to get some red rock in a photo and found a short little walk called Devil's Kitchen which is pretty much a square of red rock near Payson, rather than having to go all the way to St. George area to get my red rock photo. And it's short enough that Talmage will be able to do it without a stroller. I am borrowing a hiking backpack from someone in the ward to take with me so that I don't need to take the stroller, but that means the girls have to carry all their own water bottles and snacks and I don't know how that is going to go down.

We have done all shaded hikes. It's what you do in the PNW. All but one. One was in the sun. I can still see in my mind, Alaska on the right side of my mom crying and saying, "The sun is in my shoes!" and C to the left side of my mom, her hands covering her eyes and me mildly wondering if she is even looking where she is going. The whole walk was like that and it was painful to my ears. At the look-out point Alaska would not take a photo and I have her documented bawling her heart out with C covering her ears because it is so loud. That was our hardest one.

My two favorites have been Lewis River lower and middle falls and Sauvie's Island Warrior Rock trail. Lewis River because it was beautiful and the kids had a great time stopping to play in the water and even though it was long, it didn't feel so long because it was shaded and gently rolling. And Warrior Rock because it has a good story that my mom was able to wrap up in a Facebook post:

So Jess posted the pictures, but I have to add the details to show just how incredible this daughter of mine is. . . . . . I'm just trying to support her in reaching a goal, you know? Nothing can stop her, and she does it all with enthusiasm and a smile! So, when a scheduled appointment threatens to keep you off the trail? Leave earlier! When parking permits are 10 miles back? Race back to get the permits while the other manages kids and puts strollers together. Short on time? Hustle! Time is up? Run! And holler with "whoops" and "yips" to make the kids laugh as we charge through the tall grass and blackberry brambles. This amazing daugher of mine. . . . . Doing incredible things every day. Conquering the world one goal at a time. Never a mishap. Always an adventure to embrace. Love you! Thanks for the memorable day!

We're Getting There!

People. Hear this! C may actually be a normal child under all her trauma and type A personality. Oh my goodness it is wonderful news and I feel so hopeful! I could just spin her around in circles. 

We just had our second to last counseling appointment for this Parent Child Interactive Therapy. I nailed it. One more to make sure things are going smoothly and then we are going to move onto the Parent Child Psychotherapy. With me. This is something that under the best of circumstances she would do with her mom, as her mom is the cause of the trauma and inner turmoil, but I will start it to hold her place while mom gets life under control. When we first went into all of this the counselor suggested that C would need both PCIT and PCP and we decided to start with PCIT to get her behavior under control. Which it is! Holy crap-oli. A month ago I could have told C to do something and we could have a 2 minute stare down of wills. Now I tell her to do something and she'll start in on it within 5 seconds or I can threaten a time-out and usually that gets her hustling to obey. And if the timeout doesn't work there are steps to take to make sure that it works and it has been relieving to my soul. I can breathe. I can take the girl in public and expect obedience and good behavior. No more tantrums, staredowns or stress that comes from a child that flat out won't listen to expectations. It is a miracle. I have put so much hard work into her. More work than I have my own children. And the payoff is finally coming.

This has been such a long time coming and I still feel like the phase 1 stuff was a little bit of a waste of time. I mean, I was so good at it and so far from it all at the same time it was frustrating. But it's good now and I am so good at it that today the counselor came to the house for our appointment and I was able to use my PRIDE skills on Talmage, Alaska and C, all at the same time. And it wasn't even hard. I was all in. All right there. And I exceeded by a million. Nearly doubling the requirements of 10. I was hitting numbers like 17 and 18.

We had to come to the house because the last appointment we had, C did exactly as I asked her each time, no time-out threatening needed. Which is fantastic, except that I needed to show that I could follow through with a time-out threaten and she never gave me the opportunity. So we amped it up by coming to the house where Alaska and Talmage could take some of her precious attention and I knew she would flip out. Which she did. The counselor noticed and is definitely going to focus on anger management type techniques to help her keep calm in frustrating situations in this next therapy we do. 

This past week we have struggled hard with house rules. Things like hands to self and talking quietly. I asked the counselor about implementing my timeout techniques for those and there is a whole section on it in her big fat book. I am relieved. We will start doing that this week. 

C's hardest things are not interrupting and giving people space. The counselor let me know that I could insist upon these things. Insist that she wait until I am done talking to someone and insist that she takes 2 steps back. This has given me some much needed breathing room and I don't feel like C needs to rule the house when someone is over. It is so amazing. So so so amazing.

One Month of Summer Left

We did a hike to Opal Falls over Memorial Day Weekend. It was packed. To put it mildly. The cars were parked along the side of the road starting at about 5 miles before the trail head. We were running later than we had wanted for a starting time, which worked in our favor. We were able to grab an empty early bird's spot just a few hundred feet from the entrance. 

Grandma Graff and my whole family, minus Dorian, came and it was so pleasant. There was lots to see and take pictures of. It used to be the location of a mining shaft and a lot of the necessary things were still there. The things that were too heavy to take out. Like a few rail cars and some other stuff. We took the stroller and Talmage and the girls took turns riding in it, riding on shoulders and walking. It was a huge amount of walking - 6.5, although the distance gets longer each time I tell the story. I'll keep it at 6.5, which is what we bargained for when we first started out. 

It was beautiful, just the whole thing, but especially getting to the top and seeing the pool. There was a particularly perfectly placed log that a person could sit on, their legs dangling as they enjoyed the scene while taking a sip of water or eating a snack.

This experience was the brainchild for my goal of 10 hikes this summer. I don't want to leave Oregon without knowing it. I know my area well enough, but I want to see and know more. So off we go. Right now we will be doing 5:10 tomorrow and we only have a month of summer left. It has got me in a tizzy. My heart hurts and my stomach twists up and does knots. It's so pitiful. I can never fit enough summer into our usual one good month of summer. August. And I get so anxious about how to fill my time and how to use it wisely that it just makes me unravel and I end up taking an afternoon wallowing and sleeping. Which is an utter waste of time but it was so overwhelming to find the perfect way to spend that time that I throw it away on purpose. As if that makes it better. To have control.

Five Minutes of Perfect Playing

More about the counseling. 

In order to practice my PRIDE skills - sounds like team spirit, Middle School type stuff, I have to practice 5 minutes a day with C. 5 minutes of practicing absolutely perfect playing. And it's actually kind of fun. I am not allowed to ask her why she did something or say anything with a questioning tone. I am not allowed to tell her no. And I am not allowed to tell her what to do. Sounds like anyone's perfect time, right?!?! It really is. 

I like how I can earn 'points' for praising, reflecting and doing the describing. I am really big into earning points. It just works for me. The first day of counseling it was just me going in to learn about how it all and the counselor and I role-played. Which was amazing. Because it really hit it home to me at how good it feels for someone to be paying so much attention to what you are doing to respond about how, "You have the blue figured girl in your hand." And, "I really like how you arranged the dolls in the doll house." And, my favorite. At the end of the role-playing she asks me, "Did you hear me do any reflecting?" And I say, "Sure." Because of course all of this is brand new to me and I really have no idea what she is asking me and I know that yes is always a better response than a no. She looks at me all like, Nope, wrong answer. And I back-track real quick and I say, "No?" She nodded in approval and says, "You never said anything. The whole time. I had nothing to reflect because you never said anything." I knew I was quiet, but for real! Even when I am pretend playing, I still don't say much! She clued me in that if C was ever quiet like that, like in my dreams!, that you can always reflect sounds and that counts just as well. I will never have to worry about that with this one. But it was good to know. Pretty sure I didn't make any sounds, either. I would be a hard one to work with to get all the points for reflecting.

I took home a homework sheet and started my 5 minutes of perfect playing with C right away. It was too easy. She flourishes, absolutely thrives, on one-on-one attention. Which I knew. After three days of comfortable playing and me looking at my sheet of skills every second that I wasn't commenting on her, I had it down enough to introduce a little controversy. I let Talmage play with us. You do what you gotta do. I had to practice some more skills, like the shaping behavior by ignoring or re-directing. She knocked Talmage's tower over within 10 seconds of us playing. I turned my body away and started playing with legos. When she was done, I returned and let her know how much I liked it that she was letting Talmage make his own tower.

Another epic thing happened. That was the hardest we encountered, so I thought, 'What the heck. I'll have Alaska play with us, too." And that was interesting. While I was describing what Alaska was doing, C realizes that I am not paying 100% attention to her and she says, "Jessica, say, "I have a blue peg." That girl! She's quick. It made me laugh-out-loud in surprise. But not surprise. That attention thing. It's her biggest.

Parent Child Interactive Therapy

Counseling. It's finally happening. I feel so dumb that I didn't sign up for this stuff beforehand. But when C had her mental health exam she was your normal, rattled from being relocated, 4 year-old. I had no idea what kind of trauma I was going to be dealing with and thought her difficult behavior would simmer down after some attention (read: LOADS of attention). Not so much. Also - hello - I had no idea what kind of counseling there was out there for children and instead of asking, I just assumed there was play therapy and 'talk about your feelings' type of therapy. Wrong-o. Could have used someone watching out for me a little more on that one. Huge learning curve over here.

You know the whole story, you've been here since the beginning. We've been through a lot. And what I haven't told you is that as of late, she has started peeing herself. For attention. Girl's got problems. Steven wigs out big about pee. Pee in the bathtub, pee missing the toilet, pee anywhere is a huge-o deal. With all this pumping C full of water to counter her medication forming kidney stones, you can bet she's got to go to the bathroom a lot. Which can be a hassle when you're doing fun stuff. So she peed at Steven's parents' house. In the car. When she was waiting to be buckled in to go home. Threw him up in arms because it's disgusting and it's embarrassing. Well, with such an awesome reaction - she did it again. We did a week of peeing in our pants. I was so fed up with it the second day that I had good intentions of getting her some cute underwear and doing some potty training 101 with her, complete with sticker chart, when Steven intervened and saw how much it was twisting my world and decided for me, "We're putting her in pull-ups." And so we did. For two weeks she wore pulls up and for a week she pretty consistently peed in them. I stopped making any kind of attention about it and it stopped. We're talking, "oh, you peed yourself at 8:30 p.m. instead of getting up to go to the bathroom? Go ahead and change. No, you don't get a shower." That's how extreme it got before she stopped. We've been a week dry in underwear and she's only missed the toilet once. She was so close to almost there, and just missed. I wigged out when I saw it, Steven reminded me to bring myself down, and I calmly told her to get a rag to clean it up. Nothing more. She said sorry without being prompted. That was a big deal. The sorry. Hugs and lots of thank yous all the way around. She ate it up and I hoped that wasn't going to encourage more missing.

All that tangent for my 5 minutes of perfect parenting. Back to the counseling.

So, I am doing these Pride Skills.

P - Praise. Self-explanatory. "Nice job stacking those blocks!"
R - Reflect. I say what she says, back to her. In the same way or re-directed. Doesn't matter.
I - Imitate. Doesn't count towards mastery. It's kind of like extra credit type stuff. I play along beside her. She stacks blocks, I stack blocks.
D - Describe. I say what she is doing.
E - Enjoy. Another extra credit type thing - but basically, slap a smile on your face.

Mastery is using 10 praises, 10 reflections and 10 descriptions in 5 minutes. Using 3 or less commands, questions or sarcasm.

It takes people 8 weeks to get this stuff down. The first week I came really close. But my questions were exponentially high. And I realized that Kenzie uses a lot of questions when she plays and I was repeating those. Which I thought was reflecting. But it didn't count as reflecting. It counted as questioning, which is counted against you. That made me frustrated.

I had high hopes for passing the second week, but alas, I wasn't getting all of my descriptions because I was saying things like, "Thomas the train is on the track," rather than, "You put Thomas the train on the track." You have to always give credit back to the child. Build up their confidence. It was disappointing to say the least. And I cried. Not just over that, but, still. The frustration of the whole thing. They call these pride skills phase 1 and then phase 2 is more about sculpting behavior. What I actually need help with. I am dying, and I told the counselor that. I feel so OUT of control. I feel controlled by this child! The counselor thought I was crazy thinking I could pass in the second week of doing this and had a hard time understanding how upset I was about failing such a high expectation. I think she underestimated me on how much I desperately need to get on to this phase 2. She realized her mistake and gave me some counsel for the things that are really buggering me as of late. Some phase 2 type of things that I felt dumb for not knowing/thinking of before, but whatever.

When a three year-old says, "Why" a million times it often means, "Tell me more about that. I am really interested." When a four year-old says, "Why" when you ask her to do something - it means something totally different. Actually, I don't know what it means. But what you do is not engage. You ignore the "Why?". You count 5 seconds in your head and repeat your request. Wait another 5 seconds. After those 10 seconds you say, "I need you to ______ or you will have a time out." And that is when you get results, positive or negative.

Another trick she gave me was the modeling of positive, calm behavior. When C freaks out about her tower of blocks falling over, I can say, "When I am upset I take three big breaths and it helps me calm down." I used this one 4 times today, not all the time about blocks, and by the end of the night at story time, Talmage took C's spot. I didn't even realize how upset she was until I hear these big, deep, raggedy breaths beside me. And there she was, fuming, and breathing. I was so proud of her!  I acknowledged and gave her a big hug. Talmage would not have had opportunity to take her spot if she had been in her spot where she needed to be so I left that up for a learning experience.

Also, for getting a child out of a fit, is to distract them by commenting on things around the room. I tried that one once and it didn't seem to help, but whatevs, I tried. The important thing about all of this is that you comment on the positive behavior when it appears. Always following through and saying things like, "I like how calm you made yourself" are big deals in making this work.

And the last one, ignoring. You demand she pay attention by pulling a, "We can't leave the house until________" or, "You can't get a snack until________." I don't know if I like this one because it makes everyone have a hold up. But I will try anything at this point. Even today, C had on sandals with buckles that are a huge pain to get off and on. For dance I make them wear flip flops so they can change super quick. I asked her three times to take them off and if I were a good parent I would have told her we weren't going anywhere until they were off. But I am just a parent in a hurry all the time and I told her to grab her flip flops and she would need to change her shoes in the car. Which she did. And I could probably have taken a breath when we got there and given her the ultimatum to get them off before we go inside if it had come to that. So I could have redeemed myself. Just had to talk that one out for a sec. I am a good parent, after all!

It May not be the Only Time

It happened today. I didn't take anything for the kids to do in sacrament meeting. Alaska and C were absolutely content to be near Steven and I and Talmage fell asleep without so much commotion going on around him.

Sometimes it takes hitting a hard edge to break free of what we so often hold close. This morning Alaska was begging for a snack before we left for church. I was putting finishing touches on a lesson and told her to get herself something. A granola bar later she still needed more and in my distracted state I said, "Whatever you can find. No cereal." 6 mini bags of cookies later - after everyone has helped themselves to what they wanted and opened a couple of bags they didn't want - I panicked as I was going to the printer and bursted with, "No snacks today during church!"

And you know what? I was ready 10 minutes earlier than usual because I was actually ready on time and didn't need to be rushing around last minute pouring cheerios into serving size baggies or hunting down the last of the granola bars or fruit snacks, knowing that if I have two I had better have three. And wasn't there one floating freely around here yesterday?

Also - our young women's program is going electronic free. That means leather-bound scriptures for us all, and an extra 7 pounds into my church bag. It's going to take some extra muscle to stick this one out. But it inspired another change. No more stuff to be hauling around for the kids to do during sacrament. I just couldn't handle hauling two heavy bags around like a donkey going down the grand canyon trail. And if we take coats to church - it's a whole parade. I never leave our coats in the foyer because I always forget them. It will be pouring buckets on our way to church and then church lets out and no more rain and we forget the jackets and then we have no jackets for the next couple days until I can get back for them during a night the church is open for mutual. It's a bigger headache to get them remembered than to carry them around for three hours. But those 3 hours are no picnic, either.

Talmage has a hard time in sacrament meeting as it is. And not because there isn't enough stuff to do. Having people all around and close is stimulation overload for him. I gave up bringing stuff to keep him occupied with because he would consistently and forever throw whatever I gave him. 

Little finger puppets, thrown. Match box cars, thrown. Binkies, thrown. Milk cup, thrown. Anything. Thrown. And it's not like he'll look at it for 5 minutes and then throw it. It's like you give it to him and it gets chucked up to the people in front of us. He very often gets taken out after the Sacrament and you know what he does? Steven holds him on his lap and he falls asleep. No wiggling, screaming or crying. Just sits still and falls asleep. Why he can't do it in sacrament meeting, I will never know. But today he did it, and it was wonderful. Alaska leaned over to me after noticing and said, "Talmage is thinking about Jesus" and nodded to him with his eyes closed. Steven will often close his eyes during the sacrament and that is what I tell Alaska is going on. 

The girls traded sitting on my lap with sitting beside me and were content to be still and be close. We will be trying this again.

A little boy in front of us had his mom's phone and was playing games - which can open a whole new bone that I can pick raw - and the girls were watching him too intently. I got out two pens and a notebook and they drew for the last 15 minutes. But that's nothing special I packed, that just happened to be in there and it came in handy.

Sometimes it's a thank goodness for a flip-out and being asked to do something new and hard. Our girls will learn young that sacrament meeting is for them, despite their young age.

Never Give Up

I was asked to give a talk in Sacrament meeting, on mother's day, with the topic of "never give up"

"Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are," said Geoffrey R. Holland in October's General Conference of 2015.

I believe, that to truly find peace, one must have the truest of true conviction of what one is doing.

When our family started looking into doing foster care we had a blissful notion that we would make a difference in a child's life and it felt right for us. As I have been confronted with tantrums, defiance and a lot of re-teaching I started to lose heart. This wasn't what we had put in for. Not what we expected, and yet at the same time, it wasn't unexpected. Just the way it was. As we gathered ourselves up to re-group and re-consider the situation I realized I needed some more parenting skills. This wasn't going to be a fairy tale without some hard work put into it. I checked books out at the library, I looked at books in book stores, I searched blogs and I sat down with Bro. Barnes to do a parenting webinar. My conviction grew stronger as I realized not only was I changing a child's life for the better, but I was changing my life for the better as well by researching skills that would help me raise independent, respectful and most of all, kind and considerate children. This conviction has buoyed me through some hard things, and hard things yet to come. But I know that this opportunity is not only about taking in a child, but also an opportunity to make myself and my family more understanding, kind, and structured.

Mary F. Foulger said in General Conference of 1980, "My dear sisters, I believe that you, like our priesthood brethren, have been “called and prepared from the foundation of the world according to the foreknowledge of God, on account of … exceeding faith and good works, … having chosen good.” Therefore you are “called with a holy calling.” (Alma 13:3.)

We stand in awe at Mary’s assignment to be the mother of the Lord, but we, too, have been called to mother gods. Latter-day Saint women understand that the very purpose of creation depends upon our participation as earthly mothers to the spirit children of God. As it is his work and his glory to bring his children unto eternal life, it is also our work and our glory as mothers. That it is work, no mother will deny. That it is glory, our Father’s greatest promises concern themselves with joy in posterity. “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work” (D&C 64:33). Indeed, there is none greater."

If we, as women, can have the conviction that comes with the knowledge that we have a divine calling to mother those around us I feel that we will have the courage to press on. Whether we have babies of our own or not. Whether we interact daily with teens or adults, we have a calling that has been set apart just for us as women to be an example to those around us.

We have to remember the things that we do today have lasting effects and we can use that power for good or for evil. Nothing is more powerful than having a child tell you something they have learned or noticed when you weren't even intentionally teaching. 

There are others around us who notice what we do and how we act and we can be an example of something to strive for or we can be a warning. Some of my best learning moments have come from watching women I admire interact with others. As I aspire to fulfill my potential I consciously take the traits I notice from others and practice them. I have a habit to not want to take up too much time or make too much of a big deal of something and I feel as if I am always in a hurry to get somewhere. The women I admire the most take time to make connections and don't let the hustle of life push them along too fast. They take time to reach out to others and don't worry too much about what is happening around them.

I have been reading a lot of pioneer stories as of late and have started a book composed of women's diaries of the westward journey. In the preface it notes, "Though women were often drawn into performing tasks far removed from their usual domestic duties, in the end they clung almost possessively to their traditional roles. More than that, they created and maintained the networks of support  that they had known in their more traditional and stationary homes."

As women, we don't need to feel bad for keeping traditions despite their inconvenience and we don't need to apologize for being soft and nurturing. My grandma has taught me a lot about traditions and their importance. They are important to her and because they are important to her, they have become important to me and when I carry on with a tradition despite every reason not to, I feel as if I am honoring her. The thing about traditions is that they are rarely convenient and I have come to embrace that. There is honor in making the unworkable, work. 

We have a mother's day tradition of going to mother's day tea at my grandma's work. She is the activities director for a retirement home, I know, ironic, right? Alaska and I dress up fancy and spend the afternoon listening to a quartet, eating mini cucumber sandwiches, cream puffs and chocolate cake and listening to sentiments of mothers. This year it was a race to make it happen. I got a call that morning that an appointment in Portland that we needed to make was available due to an earlier cancellation and our next open spot wouldn't be until October. The available time would be crunchy and tight and I couldn't do it by myself. Thank goodness I have two wonderful moms in my life. One took Talmage so I could take the girls to the appointment and another came to Portland to pick up Kenzie for her visitation with her dad while I hurried on with Alaska to Tigard. Despite all reasons to go in street clothes, Alaska and I changed into our tea party dresses in the car while we were waiting for my mom to meet up with us. We were only 15 minutes late and the little old ladies gushed over Alaska and her outfit that had been mine when I was little. It was a tradition that we had to keep. And it took more than just me to make it happen.

Sometimes, on my quest to bettering myself I have opportunity to repent and use the atonement of Jesus Christ. Too often, with so much hard work, there comes a great deal of stress. When I am teaching kindness and the right way to get someone's attention I sometimes do not teach by example and I am left with no words as children go crying to their rooms. I know they need their time to cool off, even if I am instantly sorry and know my wrong. Moments like these are opportunities to pray and take advantage of the atonement and the relationship I have with my Savior. 

Elder John A. Widtsoe said in 1954: “Motherhood may be exercised as universally and vicariously as Priesthood”

Many of us interact with children or teens. Not always our own and not always children under 18. It is our right and privilege to exercise motherhood. To let our arms and words be an extension of the Savior's in providing love and security for all his children.

When we can't believe in ourselves, we can believe in God. He is the variable in every equation that can make the solution 100%, fulfilled and whole. If we only have the patience to last until 6:00 pm, He has the factor to make it to an 8:00 bedtime and an 8:15 drink of water and last hug. If we let Him. 

Sister Foulger continues, "God has called Latter-day Saint women to prepare his children for the challenges of the last days. In order to fulfill this calling, we must be both learners and teachers of eternal truths. We must study the scriptures that we might arm our children with knowledge of Jesus Christ and his gospel. We must guard our homes against any intrusion of evil. We must seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit. We must make our homes holy places in which to stand. Sisters, we must faithfully fulfill here the sacred trust we willingly accepted there."

There are a million and one ways to measure success in motherhood, and just as many ways to compare and determine that there is no success. We are doing better than we think we are. We can find peace in our convictions of doing what is right for us and not measuring ourselves against others. Believing in the power of God and allowing grace to fill in the parts we stumble with allows us to fill our potential and strive to be better. 

I know Heavenly Father loves me and knows me. I know that He has bigger plans for me than I can imagine and that the hard things that I am doing now are preparing me to fulfill my potential and be the best that I know how to be.

Good Days to be Outside

We spent five and a half hours out at Prescott last Friday. It was beautiful. This small town of ours has some jewels, that place being one of them. Well, Rainier claims it, actually, but it's between the two, so I guess it's kind of ours, too.

I found us a spot in the warm sun at 10:30 that turned to shade at one. Perfect ratio and when you need the shade the most. The kids were happy to play in the water and wander up and down the beach area. Talmage did a face plant in the water soon after arriving and steered clear of the water after that. We made mermaid tails and dug for water. I was able to lay in the sand and they kicked up water and hunted for freshwater clam shells.

Our 50 hours outside is quickly coming to a close. The end date is this week, Saturday the 21st, and right now we have 1.5 hours left. I think we're going to make it. It's been a race. But a manageable one. It's gotten me out of the house when usually I would stay inside to clean up one more thing or start another load of laundry. And I have embraced that there is nothing wrong with peanut butter jelly sandwiches for dinner, or cereal, because sometimes we've been outside playing when I would usually need to be inside cooking dinner. Or heck, even some fast food, if we've been out at the park and are coming home hungry.

At our gym there is child care in the morning and child care in the evening during the week. When someone needs a backup, they try to switch days with someone and then if that doesn't work, I get a text asking if I can fill in. I don't mind and do it happily - extra happily that I don't have to do it every week. This past week I was filling in on a Wednesday and it was gorgeous out. I left a note by the sign-in sheet about joining us outside. I took a soccer ball and the kids had a picnic before anyone else showed up. We were coming directly from acro-jazz and had to get dinner on the way through town. They played house for a hour and a half until some other kids showed up and they kicked the soccer ball around for a good amount of time. They were older kids, older as in 7 and 9, and they were so much fun to be with! I am so excited for our own to get that old. Of course, then there will be little ones again, too, but it was nice to have a glimpse of what the future holds. They could actually get and understand a game of pick-up soccer and I jogged around with them, kicking in where I could.

A lot of Good

There have been some precious things as of late that I need to get down before I forget them:

We had dinner at Fultano's in Scappoose for Irene's (Steven's grandma) birthday. It was laundry day, but no laundry had gotten done because I was substituting. They had to wear dresses. They were super adorable and full of the heightened energy that comes with getting dressed up to go out.

I have some paper dolls that they only get to play with when we go out to eat and it kept them busy and quiet. I wasn't sure what to expect from them, but whatever it was, they exceeded it. C flew into Grandma Barnes' arms with a huge hug and a happy birthday wish. It was close to overwhelming but she pulled herself back and was pleasant. After dinner she was especially cuddly and wanted to sit quietly in my lap. It was enjoyable and I soaked her in.

Alaska has evolved into the big sister. She is absolutely responsible and does her best to keep everyone in line. She's not bossy about it, just matter-of-fact. She also knows when something is too big for her to handle and will come get me. Like when Talmage has something he shouldn't have, she has learned quickly to not rip it out of his hands, but to come get me to do the dirty work, lol.

For mother's day my mom taught the girls how to say, "Happy Mother's Day, you are the best!" C has been telling me this phrase all day because she knows how happy it makes me. She'll especially say it when she is happy about something I have done. When I found her shoes for church, after I came down from the stage from speaking during sacrament meeting, and when she was eating an ice-cream cone. The little goof inside of her also made her realize that she could change the word 'mother' for anyone that she wanted to make smile. She told Steven, "Happy Dad's day, you are the best!" And Alaska, "Happy kids' day, you are the best!" That girl. Sometimes she can really pull it out.

We went to a birthday party this weekend. Upon arrival Alaska stayed close to me, checking out the scene before running off. She is so careful, that girl. I don't think she's shy, because she always happy to play, but she does need some space to check things out before she gets too involved in what's going on.

C was all over the place, naturally, but her friendliness really shined. She said hi to everyone. There was one kid there that was from the neighborhood rather than from church, like most everyone else, and she was not even shy about saying hi to him.

While we were there, C brought me a cup of juice that she had poured herself. I hadn't asked for it or anything - just out of the blue - Here Jessica. It was pretty sweet, even though I am pretty sure she wanted to be so grown up and pour some juice even though she didn't want any. But whatever, it was sweet that she thought of me.

At dance class a few weeks ago the teacher commented on how well Alaska was doing. How she clearly had a desire to do everything just right. I only nodded and said, "Oh good" - not realizing the momentous comment that way. The next week I saw clearly what her teacher was talking about. They were doing 'cartwheels' on a mat. The mat had handprints and footprints for where you put your own hands and feet. A lot of the girls put their hands on the match, kicked their feet up and over and wherever their feet landed, they landed. Alaska matched her hands up, careful to have them exact, and then when she kicked her feet up and they landed outside of the footprint line, she moved them to where they were supposed to go before getting up to let the next girl go. I am so glad that she already understands the idea of doing a complete and thorough job. I hope it follows her through.

And you ask, what about Talmage? What is he doing? Being awesome. He is just being awesome. He is really excellent at taking directions and doing as I ask, even if he doesn't want to. Not any words yet, but he understands everything.

Say My Name Say My Name

We were at the store and C was constantly saying my name, wanting me to look at everything and if I stepped more than a couple feet away she was all like, "Jessica! Don't leave me!" We were in the check-out line and the line had moved while C was busy looking at the candy selection and she looks up at the lady now standing beside her and says, "Where's Jessica?" And of course the lady doesn't know who I am, but she had seen the two of us together so she pointed in my direction and Kenzie lets out a huge 'Jessica!' as if we had been separated for ages. 

As the lady passed me at the register she says, "Bye Jessica, have a lovely day." It was hilarious and eye opening to me that everyone now knows my name these days when I am so often "mom" in public. The ladies waiting in the check-out line with me are never people that I consider having names. Once in awhile I will get a comment about how cute the kids are - but most of the time, we're all there, silently hoping there isn't as much in that cart ahead of us as it appears. No more. No more am I the nameless girl putting her whole grain cheerios on the belt. I am Jessica to all. And that is kind of intimidating. That someone would have a one-up on me while I am grocery shopping. I am no longer an equal, nameless face.

Counting Our Hours Outside

We racked up a hour of outside time today just by walking to and from headstart. Half a hour there and back for delivery and half a hour there and back for pick-up.

On our way this morning I popped Talmage in the stroller and off we went, a momma, a stroller and two girls. We made pretty good time and the girls loved it. On the way to pick-up I left the stroller at home and Talmage walked the whole way and back. It was a little more frustrating because he had to pick sticks up and kick rocks and stuff but I did my best getting him to hustle on the way to the school and then we took our time walking back. The girls ran ahead and it was so sweet watching the enthusiasm whip their hair back from their faces and leave it flowing in the wind they created by running with arms outstretched, pretending to be airplanes. Alaska's thin strands billowing behind her and C's curls springing down her shoulders. This is it.

Counseling Appointment

Had my counseling appointment for C today. She was dis-invited because I would be talking about all the things she has problems with and searching for some help to my frustrations. Her CASA had wanted a mental health re-evaluation and then I spilled my heart about everything that has happened as of late with the not going to time out and the dead-weight and the ignoring and the yelling and the not following directions and how she won't listen to her peers.

Which, about the not listening to peers, I have done my best to coach her to respond, "I am busy" or "I don't want to talk right now," but she has started ignoring me and my coaching in those situations. Alaska got fed up with it enough a few weeks ago and pinched C hard enough to leave a mark. I totally thought it was bug bites and when I asked C about them, Alaska was right there and she pipes up, "I pinched her because she wouldn't listen." And that's how factual it is. I have seen it happen before and I have had it happen to me and I know how frustrating it is to not get a response. We had a chat about how we can't hurt people because that doesn't make anyone feel better and we need to acknowledge others so that they don't need to feel like they have to hurt us for attention. It must not have worked all that well because the next week C had a scratch on her hand after Headstart. When I asked her about it, she said one of the kids had scratched her because she wasn't listening. No duh. It's something that has now become a serious problem and I need some extra help in getting this done.

The counselor that I go see is the one that is over the whole family and then she goes to a board of people and presents what I need help with and someone steps up and says, "I can help with that." In my particular case, though, she is going to suggest Parent Child Interactive Therapy. (PCIT). This is where we will do our thing and I will have a headset on with someone behind one of those one-way windows telling me what to say. I clarified that C does really well with one-on-one attention and that I didn't foresee us having any problems in that kind of environment and she clarified for me that somehow a situation is escalated on purpose to get her stimulated to react - creating what they call a controlled tantrum. That should be interesting and I am very curious as to how they will do that. But I'll show up in good faith and I hope they can get her frustrated enough to make it work.

This is Your Gift

I was sitting in sacrament today with Alaska and C by my sides. Steven had Talmage at home on a sick day and it was me and the two girls. 

We walked to church in the near rain - C bundled in a jean jacket that matched my own and Alaska in her short sleeves, happy as could be with goosebumps rippling her skin. We were in a hustle, but as soon as we got in the doors the two girls folded their arms and quietly entered the chapel. Followed quickly by the unfolding of their hands as they waved and said hello to the grandmas and grandpas that decorate the back row with their walkers and canes. I let it go and ushered them into 'our pew' - one row from the back row. They quieted down and Alaska went to pull out her coloring things. I only had to pull her up once to tell her, "Remember, we do coloring and snacks after all the boys sit down after Sacrament." And that was all she needed. "Oh, ok, momma." And up she came from the floor where she had been investigating the church bag to the seat to sit beside me.

C was miraculously quiet through the whole thing, her head against my shoulder and her hand tucked into mine. She watches the boys closely. There was one mutual night she went with Steven while I took Alaska and Talmage and she became best friends with one of the Deacons. She always looks out for him and turns to me when she sees him. Today his family was in Utah for her sister's BYU graduation and she turned to me and mentioned that he was not here today. Her other most favorite boy gave one of the youth talks in sacrament today and she perked up when she heard his voice and sat up tall to see him at the podium. 

When the sacrament was over Alaska headed straight for the snacks. That girl is always starving for a  snack but when you feed her a meal she'll pick through it. C colored before turning everything over to Alaska and crawling onto my lap for the remaining time. She snuggled in and let me rock her, all 45 pounds of her was in my arms and I felt a little tickle in the back of mind, "This is your gift." 

This past week has been a rough one for C and I, exclamaited by C getting a stomach ache and fever yesterday from some almond milk. She was in pain and let everyone know it. And on top of Alaska and Talmage - there was some kid crying constantly for about 2.5 hours last night. I needed a C in my lap and a whisper to remind me that even amongst all the sour thorns, there are sweet patches that need to be held onto and embraced with all the fulness of the moment. I am so grateful for Sacrament meeting and the opportunities it holds to have a 4 year-old climb into your lap and sit still.

So I suppose we'll make it through another week.

And so I Became a Legend

EEEEEEeeeeeeeeee! In another world where not everything I do revolves around a couple 4 year-olds, I was called as the 4th year camp leader/mom/counselor. I was pretty sketchy about this because a) I don't do camp and b) it turns out being in charge of the 4th year girls at a stake level makes you also in charge of their 'high adventure' activity for the summer, as well. And I don't do hikes. 

Thank the stars camp is only two days and one night long. And also - our high adventure activity doesn't need to be two days, it can be one. There is trek this year, which takes the place of scout camp and girls camp. And on which Steven and I didn't get called to be a ma and pa and I am totally relieved about that. 

But, the exciting news is this: For our 4th year adventure trip we are doing white-water rafting down the Deschuttes! Who is freaking awesome?!?! This is going to be the most epic adventure ever! I could not swallow doing a hike and camping out and canoeing just sounded a little meh - but the rafting, that is something I can get behind. And enthusiasm is 75% of the battle, yeah?

I have someone I am supposed to be working with, but my enthusiasm is definitely outweighing hers here and I don't even care. I have enough enthusiasm I could do this all by myself if I needed to. And that is saying a lot about the girl who is over-run by pre-schoolers and doesn't have much energy for anything else. This is something I love and I love that I get to share it with some very special girls! 4 of the 11 girls are girls that I have been with in yw since they were 12. That's right. 11 girls are signed up for camp right now as 4th years. That is it. It will be so much fun!

Our parameters are we need a nurse and a life-guard. Steve is happy to become re-certified in lifeguarding and I would rather not. It makes me so nervous and at the end there I hated getting wet anyways. A lifeguard who hates the water. Is there such a thing? I was it. When I was head lifeguard for a semester at BYU-I all of my inservice hours were planned around a video and a quiz. I hated having to get in the water to practice spinal holds and panic drowning. And I really hesitate about going to the bottom of the pool to get a brick to pass the submersion test. It hurts my head every time. So I am peacing out on that one, but when I invited Steven, that he could go if he got his lifeguarding certification, he decided it was a small price to pay. 

Because people always get so nervous around water and it can be such a sketchy subject, I threw in the extra parameters that everyone who went needed to pass a swim test and needed to pass a quiz about river safety. I think it will be educational and fun for all and I am so super stoked for it. It is going to be the best ever!

You Want to Drive Someone Crazy?

Yesterday, a Tuesday, was a complicated one.

The alternative school needed me 9:30-1:30 and Steve had the day off. I dropped C off at school, ran to Walmart to get some things, headed off to work and Steven took Talmage and Alaska up to his grandparents to do some painting. Only, with Talmage not feeling well these past few days, he took some blankets to make a nest in the back of the car for Alaska and Talmage to hang out in if they needed. I thought that was a pretty good idea.

C has 2 hour visits with her mom every Tuesday, 2-4. Tamera had been a great help in running down to headstart to pick her up from school at noon and then took her back to her house to await the driver we are supposed to have to come get her at 1:30. At 1:45 no driver had shown up and I panicked a little. Tamera offered to bring C down to me at our house so I could get her to her appointment on time. At 1:55 I got a message from the office that there was no driver for C or her sister today and the case workers' supervisor was just leaving the office to come get them. I e-mailed real quick back saying that C was already on her way to the visit and we would see her there.

I drove to where I thought visits were and all the doors were locked. I called C's dad (long story as to why I have his number) and he gave me directions to where visits are being held now-a-days. We got back in the car and made it to visit just moments before the supervisor came in with C's sister.

It was 88 degrees and I was driving the car with no AC. Kenzie looked like a lobster coming into visit and her grandma gasped when she saw her, thinking it was sun burn. Which actually wouldn't be too far from the truth - that girl cannot spend half a hour outside without coming in pinker than pink.

You want to drive someone crazy? Alert them 5 minutes before a visit is going to start that there is no driver. It's stuff like this that just makes the best stories, hu?

What a Day

I could just cry. I could scream. It was the worst day in awhile and it has me all tied up in fits.

The head start home visit wound C up. She was a mess the half hour before we had to leave for acro jazz. She doesn't pick fights, but she'll do something super annoying over and over again and Alaska will ask her a dozen times to stop and she'll keep doing it and then Alaska wigs out on her and she wonders what hit her. It's aggravating. And it's not even something that would be super annoying the first time, it's just that her filter for controlling herself is gone a lot of the time and it just happens. I don't feel like she does it to get a rile out of Alaska - she does it because she doesn't know when enough is enough.

C was holding the reclining chair down in the living room, trapping Alaska in the corner. Alaska asked her to stop and she didn't, I sent her to her room, but more like had to pick her up and dump her in there because she wouldn't go. Bad, I know. Steven gave me a talking to about being more patient and getting her attention and talking out the situation rather than just straight wigging out. You don't reason with a 4 year-old, though. But I suppose that is what this counseling appointment is about. It can hardly come fast enough.

Anyways, she was in her room, screaming her head off. Which is so not ok. Steven wanted to take acro jazz away from her for the day because she couldn't pull it together. And of course, my reaction to that was, "It's her responsibility to show up for acro jazz. That's not something you can take away." And off we went. Bad, bad, bad. I think if I had a super power, it would be to see one hour in advance. So we get to acro jazz and she won't sit on the chairs to wait for the teacher. She would much rather race up and down the hall. I pulled out one of my better tools and I gave her a choice. "This chair? Or the chair over there?" Her face actually lit up in a smile after being turned in a frown about having to sit. Win for me! And then her teacher showed up and she was out of her seat, clamoring for attention the way that she does. Talking the loudest, pushing the closest and oh my goodness child - relax! She wouldn't sit down, her teacher says, "You need to listen to directions" and leaves. Lucky her. Still C won't sit down and I give her hand a little pull, which she whips away from me as if I have bitten her. The sweet girl sitting beside me who is in the older class says, "You can sit next to me." And C grudgingly sits down, but she sits. I tell her, "I need you to sit here for a little bit to make sure you can follow directions" and she bawls. A lot. And I say, "When you can pull yourself together, you can go to class" More tears. But she pulls herself together and doesn't give me a backward glance.

I don't want to go home. I am still high on all the hard work I put into it that morning and Steve was up at his parents house helping his dad with a truck project. Nothing much to go home for. We drove through the Taco Bell line and got some food to eat somewhere. I didn't want to be rude and take food up to Steve's parents' house without getting them some, too, and I hate it when people bring food to the play ground, so we went to this dog park area that has a table and is pretty vacant. I was still mad about the scene C had made at the dance studio and had her stay in the car for 5 minutes.

When she got out, everyone was happy and we played hide-and-seek and were having a great time. Tamera was driving back from doing activity days and stopped by. Everyone was so happy to have her there and Alaska had discovered little buds on the evergreens and was excitedly showing Grammar.  C walked up and swiped it out of her hand. She doesn't often do this, but it was timeout worthy. She swiped it out of Alaska's hand, kept walking, and then turned around when I said, "Umm, that's not appropriate. Get to the car" Which of course, no way was that happening. I took her hand to lead her there and she dead-weighted. So I picked her up and she was grabbing all over the car for something to hold onto to keep herself from getting put inside. It was ugly. And then when I did get her in, she opened the door and kicked it open. Holy! Did that just happen?

I left her there, crying and hollering for 5 minutes, went and checked in, and set the timer for another 5 minutes. She calmed down before that second 5 minutes and Tamera suggested I go get her while she was calm. She was happy for awhile and then was being immature and while I was talking to Tamera instead of watching her like a hawk - she picked up a handful of gravel and flung it - hitting Tamera's car. How much can a person take?!?!!?!? She was in the car again, same kind of episode as before. I lost it this time. My stamina was gone and I had been crossed one too many times. And we left. Baths for everyone and stories for those that weren't in the bath at the time and then rotating so that by the time everyone was out of the bath, everyone had had stories and it was time for brushing teeth and prayers and laying down with C and Alaska for 5 minutes each, as we always do.

I layed the love on thick - kill them with love. Read stories with C and held her close while Alaska and Talmage were in the bath. Also, I felt bad for losing it and wasn't what I wanted the highlight of her day to be. She is so easily distracted. When I asked her about today while laying down with her she said nothing about it. Which doesn't mean that it won't come up later, but at least I know I did my best to be gentle for the rest of the night. Extra soft voice and lots of hugs.

Probably me losing it wasn't the worst part. It was more the feelings that had to build up in order for me to pop like that. That was the bad part. I think I have more of a stubborn streak in me than I ever realized. Instead of throwing in the towel before acro jazz like a smart person would have done, I pushed through. And kept pushing.