It's interesting how time can go on and things move so gradually you don't even notice what is happening until you take the time to reflect from what our days were like even just a month ago.
C has developed into most days are good days. There are still occasional flare ups, especially right after visits, but they are not as extreme as they used to be. The cycle of 4 or 5 good days in a row is gone and most days are the same without much heart ache. I am still teaching a lot but it is not as frustrating because we have gotten used to each other and the way that things are done. There are a lot less time-outs and much more talking about feelings. This had been a huge relief, to finally find something that works!
Her ESD evaluation finally got completed and she's on target for everything except the social/emotional part. And mostly just the social out of all of that. The explaining herself and the using her words bit rather than yelling and loosing control. Also the taking directions, but we're working on that for both of us. I need to be less demanding and give her more choices. I feel like her taking directions is more of a 'me problem' than a her problem because I need to learn how to make her feel like she is in control in order to cause her to obey and pick the correct choice.
I made a big deal of not leaving that office without some resources in hand on how to handle what she is lacking in and help her improve. A big deal. And it worked. I left with some ideas on how to make her use her words. And how to fully complete her thoughts and say them out loud in complete sentences. Another problem she has is using the least amount of words possible and expecting you to fill in all the missing information. Or there are times when she can't even fill in the missing information even after I ask her. So it's practice, practice, practice. I intentionally give her smaller portions so she has to ask for more in complete sentences. I intentionally leave things in sight but out of reach so she has to ask in complete sentences again. And when we are talking, I often have her say her words in complete sentences, feeding her the words as we go. I have seen this work in SPED classrooms and know that if they will take the time to say the words out loud, it becomes easier to write the words on paper. And I know she's not writing, but we are creating skills for her even at age 4 that she will use at age 13 to answer questions from her text books.
She has also been saying, "I love you" randomly through-out the day. It means she's thinking of me. And I appreciate it. Alaska misses her when we drop her off for visits and when she is at school. Oh, right, another new thing, we finally got the ok to sign her up for headstart! I went to Barnes and Noble the other day and rummaged through the parenting section, taking down titles that I could later look up on Amazon. There was a pretty good selection on how to make your adopted child bond with you and I am sure you could change the word adopted for foster - but I am not really sure how much of that I want. I don't want it to be hard to send her back to her parents. But at the same time, it would make the other days of my life more enjoyable. So I am on a toss-up on that one. Especially since she's not really the most lovable, enjoyable child to have around and there are days where I am glad and happy to drop her off at her weekly visit and be rid of her attitude for 2 hours. Kind of the feeling of this wasn't exactly the best match to begin with, why work to make it more emotional than it has to be?
Thursday, March 24, 2016
The CASA
CASA - court appointed advocate
This lady was amazing! Besides calling on Wednesday morning, saying she didn't have any time on Thursday, and needing a visit before the following Wednesday. That was a heart rush and I just said, "Ok, how about today? We'll be home from 12-3:30 if you can fit it in." Even though most of that chunk is hard earned nap time, I was throwing it all in. But she didn't disappoint.
She came at 1:30 and stayed half a hour. 15 minutes talking to me about what we have experienced of C's behavior and another 15 minutes coloring with all the kids. She had brought coloring books and cupcakes. It was marvelous. C was kind of herself. Easily distracted and not really interested in much of anything except what she was doing right in front of her. The CASA asked to see her room and I was really grateful that I had finally put together the energy to get it up to par with the decorations. Both C and Alaska have their initials on the wall made from a wooden letter covered in glitter paper. And the Frozen cutouts from Alaska's birthday I had finally gotten up, along with the tissue paper pom-poms. It looks really darling. But C wasn't interested in showing it off. She came to show off her Anna cut-out and was right back at the table coloring, not giving a piece of anything that she was the only one in the kitchen and everyone else was in the bedroom. Usually she needs so much attention she is all up in anyone's face that comes over, but the coloring book was Elsa and Anna and that is just a whole other ball game when Frozen is in the picture.
When her and I were talking it came out that she is a retired counselor and then felt guilty knowing the need for CASA workers was so great and came back to volunteer her time in getting these kids the things they need. She was shocked to know that I knew about the Children's Program (guess it's a leaser known secret) and even more disappointed that DHS has supposed that it wasn't for me. That C wouldn't benefit from an evaluation there. When obviously I had been at my wits end and she could clearly see there was behavior stuff going on that needed to be addressed. She seemed to know that there were resources out there that I didn't know of and that was comforting. But now it has been two or three weeks since that time and nothing has become of it. So I wonder. But having her around was such a breath of fresh air. Like she got me.
This was such a relief from the attorney coming over to check in. We had a family meeting planned and the attorney wanted to come check in on the kids before that meeting. He was a special juvenile attorney but you would never guess that he works with children. I had C coloring at the table so he could talk to her and when she asked him if he wanted to color he first said no thanks and when she persisted and gave him a marker he made a drawing for her. It was almost comical to watch. It was like he didn't want to get too close to her for fear that she would grime him or something. He tried asking C questions and she would mostly repeat what he said or say something totally unrelated. Another thing she is really good at. It was her at her normal self and while I kind of wished she would have focused better, he could have done a better job at engaging her, for sure. I wasn't sure how much I was supposed to step in and help but after a half hour of him asking and her changing the subject I couldn't take it any more and made her focus and talk to him. Taking the coloring stuff away so that she could say something intelligent.
I asked him about the family meeting and I guess this whole process is kind of new for everyone and he hasn't been to one before that has been held by options. Which is a segment of the community action team. I guess. He said they would probably ask questions about the children and their needs. As vague as vague can be. I small talked him a little about where he had worked before and things like that and then let him skedaddle. He didn't seem to get much from C, but whatever.
One last thing about the CASA worker. As she was going out the door she said, "You are doing such wonderful work. This is such an ideal home and your children are lovely." Made my day for about a week!
This lady was amazing! Besides calling on Wednesday morning, saying she didn't have any time on Thursday, and needing a visit before the following Wednesday. That was a heart rush and I just said, "Ok, how about today? We'll be home from 12-3:30 if you can fit it in." Even though most of that chunk is hard earned nap time, I was throwing it all in. But she didn't disappoint.
She came at 1:30 and stayed half a hour. 15 minutes talking to me about what we have experienced of C's behavior and another 15 minutes coloring with all the kids. She had brought coloring books and cupcakes. It was marvelous. C was kind of herself. Easily distracted and not really interested in much of anything except what she was doing right in front of her. The CASA asked to see her room and I was really grateful that I had finally put together the energy to get it up to par with the decorations. Both C and Alaska have their initials on the wall made from a wooden letter covered in glitter paper. And the Frozen cutouts from Alaska's birthday I had finally gotten up, along with the tissue paper pom-poms. It looks really darling. But C wasn't interested in showing it off. She came to show off her Anna cut-out and was right back at the table coloring, not giving a piece of anything that she was the only one in the kitchen and everyone else was in the bedroom. Usually she needs so much attention she is all up in anyone's face that comes over, but the coloring book was Elsa and Anna and that is just a whole other ball game when Frozen is in the picture.
When her and I were talking it came out that she is a retired counselor and then felt guilty knowing the need for CASA workers was so great and came back to volunteer her time in getting these kids the things they need. She was shocked to know that I knew about the Children's Program (guess it's a leaser known secret) and even more disappointed that DHS has supposed that it wasn't for me. That C wouldn't benefit from an evaluation there. When obviously I had been at my wits end and she could clearly see there was behavior stuff going on that needed to be addressed. She seemed to know that there were resources out there that I didn't know of and that was comforting. But now it has been two or three weeks since that time and nothing has become of it. So I wonder. But having her around was such a breath of fresh air. Like she got me.
This was such a relief from the attorney coming over to check in. We had a family meeting planned and the attorney wanted to come check in on the kids before that meeting. He was a special juvenile attorney but you would never guess that he works with children. I had C coloring at the table so he could talk to her and when she asked him if he wanted to color he first said no thanks and when she persisted and gave him a marker he made a drawing for her. It was almost comical to watch. It was like he didn't want to get too close to her for fear that she would grime him or something. He tried asking C questions and she would mostly repeat what he said or say something totally unrelated. Another thing she is really good at. It was her at her normal self and while I kind of wished she would have focused better, he could have done a better job at engaging her, for sure. I wasn't sure how much I was supposed to step in and help but after a half hour of him asking and her changing the subject I couldn't take it any more and made her focus and talk to him. Taking the coloring stuff away so that she could say something intelligent.
I asked him about the family meeting and I guess this whole process is kind of new for everyone and he hasn't been to one before that has been held by options. Which is a segment of the community action team. I guess. He said they would probably ask questions about the children and their needs. As vague as vague can be. I small talked him a little about where he had worked before and things like that and then let him skedaddle. He didn't seem to get much from C, but whatever.
One last thing about the CASA worker. As she was going out the door she said, "You are doing such wonderful work. This is such an ideal home and your children are lovely." Made my day for about a week!
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Refreshed after Grocery Shopping? Who Are You?!?!
Steve got off early yesterday and I had some grocery shopping to do. I left him with C and took Alaska and Talmage out on the town.
We stopped at Jo-Anne's first and Alaska tugged at my heart every. single. time she exclaimed with joy, "Everything is so cute!" True mother's daughter right there.
It's funny when our own words come out of their little mouths. Right now my favorite is, "Stop wigging out" - complete with them putting their hands up. Hilarious every time.
And the other is, "You do what you gotta do." Which is what I say when they are doing something that I don't agree with but also don't have the energy to stop them. They say it to me in the same way and it always catches me off guard because it's so funny to be parented sometimes. I was cleaning up the living room, trying to rally the troops in a hurry, and Alaska looks up from her playing and says, "Mom, you do what you gotta do," and went back to playing. Stopped me in my tracks. I cleaned the living room by myself for that one. Note to self, be more sneaky and less pushy about my requests next time.
After spending a hour and a half in Jo-Anne's with not more than one whine for stickers (because I gave in) and a drive-by the clearance section that only cost a dollar for a hair pretty for Alaska we waltzed out as happy as when we went in. But probably more happy. Because we had seen so many beautiful things. We had gone in because I am revamping Alaska's room into an Elsa and Anna room, minus the cliche bed spread, and had taken down one of her banners. She was alarmed and only pacified when I told her we could pick out new Elsa and Anna fabric to make a new banner.
We took another 45 minutes to eat dinner at Arby's. At Arby's! It's not even a true sit-down restaurant! But we took our time and it was nice and everyone was so super well-behaved. I cannot believe Talmage sometimes. How in the world I got so lucky, I dunno, but I do not take it for granted. Ever. He only needed to climb down and run around the place once and I let him do it happily because he is so super cute and who doesn't enjoy seeing cute babies having the time of their lives as they run laps?
Finally it was grocery shopping time. Talmage was full and that can make all the difference of our success. If I take that kid even a little bit hungry you know that he is going to cry every time I put something in the cart and he doesn't get to eat it himself. We had a really good time and by the time we were in the care headed home I felt completely at peace and relaxed and ready to take on the world. Not all moms can say that, hu? That they feel refreshed after a grocery shopping trip? It may be because life at home is really that rough, or it may be because Alaska and Talmage are really that awesome - but either way, I am the winner. It was amazing. I am sure it is a summative of the both of those scenarios.
We stopped at Jo-Anne's first and Alaska tugged at my heart every. single. time she exclaimed with joy, "Everything is so cute!" True mother's daughter right there.
It's funny when our own words come out of their little mouths. Right now my favorite is, "Stop wigging out" - complete with them putting their hands up. Hilarious every time.
And the other is, "You do what you gotta do." Which is what I say when they are doing something that I don't agree with but also don't have the energy to stop them. They say it to me in the same way and it always catches me off guard because it's so funny to be parented sometimes. I was cleaning up the living room, trying to rally the troops in a hurry, and Alaska looks up from her playing and says, "Mom, you do what you gotta do," and went back to playing. Stopped me in my tracks. I cleaned the living room by myself for that one. Note to self, be more sneaky and less pushy about my requests next time.
After spending a hour and a half in Jo-Anne's with not more than one whine for stickers (because I gave in) and a drive-by the clearance section that only cost a dollar for a hair pretty for Alaska we waltzed out as happy as when we went in. But probably more happy. Because we had seen so many beautiful things. We had gone in because I am revamping Alaska's room into an Elsa and Anna room, minus the cliche bed spread, and had taken down one of her banners. She was alarmed and only pacified when I told her we could pick out new Elsa and Anna fabric to make a new banner.
We took another 45 minutes to eat dinner at Arby's. At Arby's! It's not even a true sit-down restaurant! But we took our time and it was nice and everyone was so super well-behaved. I cannot believe Talmage sometimes. How in the world I got so lucky, I dunno, but I do not take it for granted. Ever. He only needed to climb down and run around the place once and I let him do it happily because he is so super cute and who doesn't enjoy seeing cute babies having the time of their lives as they run laps?
Finally it was grocery shopping time. Talmage was full and that can make all the difference of our success. If I take that kid even a little bit hungry you know that he is going to cry every time I put something in the cart and he doesn't get to eat it himself. We had a really good time and by the time we were in the care headed home I felt completely at peace and relaxed and ready to take on the world. Not all moms can say that, hu? That they feel refreshed after a grocery shopping trip? It may be because life at home is really that rough, or it may be because Alaska and Talmage are really that awesome - but either way, I am the winner. It was amazing. I am sure it is a summative of the both of those scenarios.
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