Say My Name Say My Name

We were at the store and C was constantly saying my name, wanting me to look at everything and if I stepped more than a couple feet away she was all like, "Jessica! Don't leave me!" We were in the check-out line and the line had moved while C was busy looking at the candy selection and she looks up at the lady now standing beside her and says, "Where's Jessica?" And of course the lady doesn't know who I am, but she had seen the two of us together so she pointed in my direction and Kenzie lets out a huge 'Jessica!' as if we had been separated for ages. 

As the lady passed me at the register she says, "Bye Jessica, have a lovely day." It was hilarious and eye opening to me that everyone now knows my name these days when I am so often "mom" in public. The ladies waiting in the check-out line with me are never people that I consider having names. Once in awhile I will get a comment about how cute the kids are - but most of the time, we're all there, silently hoping there isn't as much in that cart ahead of us as it appears. No more. No more am I the nameless girl putting her whole grain cheerios on the belt. I am Jessica to all. And that is kind of intimidating. That someone would have a one-up on me while I am grocery shopping. I am no longer an equal, nameless face.

Counting Our Hours Outside

We racked up a hour of outside time today just by walking to and from headstart. Half a hour there and back for delivery and half a hour there and back for pick-up.

On our way this morning I popped Talmage in the stroller and off we went, a momma, a stroller and two girls. We made pretty good time and the girls loved it. On the way to pick-up I left the stroller at home and Talmage walked the whole way and back. It was a little more frustrating because he had to pick sticks up and kick rocks and stuff but I did my best getting him to hustle on the way to the school and then we took our time walking back. The girls ran ahead and it was so sweet watching the enthusiasm whip their hair back from their faces and leave it flowing in the wind they created by running with arms outstretched, pretending to be airplanes. Alaska's thin strands billowing behind her and C's curls springing down her shoulders. This is it.

Counseling Appointment

Had my counseling appointment for C today. She was dis-invited because I would be talking about all the things she has problems with and searching for some help to my frustrations. Her CASA had wanted a mental health re-evaluation and then I spilled my heart about everything that has happened as of late with the not going to time out and the dead-weight and the ignoring and the yelling and the not following directions and how she won't listen to her peers.

Which, about the not listening to peers, I have done my best to coach her to respond, "I am busy" or "I don't want to talk right now," but she has started ignoring me and my coaching in those situations. Alaska got fed up with it enough a few weeks ago and pinched C hard enough to leave a mark. I totally thought it was bug bites and when I asked C about them, Alaska was right there and she pipes up, "I pinched her because she wouldn't listen." And that's how factual it is. I have seen it happen before and I have had it happen to me and I know how frustrating it is to not get a response. We had a chat about how we can't hurt people because that doesn't make anyone feel better and we need to acknowledge others so that they don't need to feel like they have to hurt us for attention. It must not have worked all that well because the next week C had a scratch on her hand after Headstart. When I asked her about it, she said one of the kids had scratched her because she wasn't listening. No duh. It's something that has now become a serious problem and I need some extra help in getting this done.

The counselor that I go see is the one that is over the whole family and then she goes to a board of people and presents what I need help with and someone steps up and says, "I can help with that." In my particular case, though, she is going to suggest Parent Child Interactive Therapy. (PCIT). This is where we will do our thing and I will have a headset on with someone behind one of those one-way windows telling me what to say. I clarified that C does really well with one-on-one attention and that I didn't foresee us having any problems in that kind of environment and she clarified for me that somehow a situation is escalated on purpose to get her stimulated to react - creating what they call a controlled tantrum. That should be interesting and I am very curious as to how they will do that. But I'll show up in good faith and I hope they can get her frustrated enough to make it work.

This is Your Gift

I was sitting in sacrament today with Alaska and C by my sides. Steven had Talmage at home on a sick day and it was me and the two girls. 

We walked to church in the near rain - C bundled in a jean jacket that matched my own and Alaska in her short sleeves, happy as could be with goosebumps rippling her skin. We were in a hustle, but as soon as we got in the doors the two girls folded their arms and quietly entered the chapel. Followed quickly by the unfolding of their hands as they waved and said hello to the grandmas and grandpas that decorate the back row with their walkers and canes. I let it go and ushered them into 'our pew' - one row from the back row. They quieted down and Alaska went to pull out her coloring things. I only had to pull her up once to tell her, "Remember, we do coloring and snacks after all the boys sit down after Sacrament." And that was all she needed. "Oh, ok, momma." And up she came from the floor where she had been investigating the church bag to the seat to sit beside me.

C was miraculously quiet through the whole thing, her head against my shoulder and her hand tucked into mine. She watches the boys closely. There was one mutual night she went with Steven while I took Alaska and Talmage and she became best friends with one of the Deacons. She always looks out for him and turns to me when she sees him. Today his family was in Utah for her sister's BYU graduation and she turned to me and mentioned that he was not here today. Her other most favorite boy gave one of the youth talks in sacrament today and she perked up when she heard his voice and sat up tall to see him at the podium. 

When the sacrament was over Alaska headed straight for the snacks. That girl is always starving for a  snack but when you feed her a meal she'll pick through it. C colored before turning everything over to Alaska and crawling onto my lap for the remaining time. She snuggled in and let me rock her, all 45 pounds of her was in my arms and I felt a little tickle in the back of mind, "This is your gift." 

This past week has been a rough one for C and I, exclamaited by C getting a stomach ache and fever yesterday from some almond milk. She was in pain and let everyone know it. And on top of Alaska and Talmage - there was some kid crying constantly for about 2.5 hours last night. I needed a C in my lap and a whisper to remind me that even amongst all the sour thorns, there are sweet patches that need to be held onto and embraced with all the fulness of the moment. I am so grateful for Sacrament meeting and the opportunities it holds to have a 4 year-old climb into your lap and sit still.

So I suppose we'll make it through another week.

And so I Became a Legend

EEEEEEeeeeeeeeee! In another world where not everything I do revolves around a couple 4 year-olds, I was called as the 4th year camp leader/mom/counselor. I was pretty sketchy about this because a) I don't do camp and b) it turns out being in charge of the 4th year girls at a stake level makes you also in charge of their 'high adventure' activity for the summer, as well. And I don't do hikes. 

Thank the stars camp is only two days and one night long. And also - our high adventure activity doesn't need to be two days, it can be one. There is trek this year, which takes the place of scout camp and girls camp. And on which Steven and I didn't get called to be a ma and pa and I am totally relieved about that. 

But, the exciting news is this: For our 4th year adventure trip we are doing white-water rafting down the Deschuttes! Who is freaking awesome?!?! This is going to be the most epic adventure ever! I could not swallow doing a hike and camping out and canoeing just sounded a little meh - but the rafting, that is something I can get behind. And enthusiasm is 75% of the battle, yeah?

I have someone I am supposed to be working with, but my enthusiasm is definitely outweighing hers here and I don't even care. I have enough enthusiasm I could do this all by myself if I needed to. And that is saying a lot about the girl who is over-run by pre-schoolers and doesn't have much energy for anything else. This is something I love and I love that I get to share it with some very special girls! 4 of the 11 girls are girls that I have been with in yw since they were 12. That's right. 11 girls are signed up for camp right now as 4th years. That is it. It will be so much fun!

Our parameters are we need a nurse and a life-guard. Steve is happy to become re-certified in lifeguarding and I would rather not. It makes me so nervous and at the end there I hated getting wet anyways. A lifeguard who hates the water. Is there such a thing? I was it. When I was head lifeguard for a semester at BYU-I all of my inservice hours were planned around a video and a quiz. I hated having to get in the water to practice spinal holds and panic drowning. And I really hesitate about going to the bottom of the pool to get a brick to pass the submersion test. It hurts my head every time. So I am peacing out on that one, but when I invited Steven, that he could go if he got his lifeguarding certification, he decided it was a small price to pay. 

Because people always get so nervous around water and it can be such a sketchy subject, I threw in the extra parameters that everyone who went needed to pass a swim test and needed to pass a quiz about river safety. I think it will be educational and fun for all and I am so super stoked for it. It is going to be the best ever!

You Want to Drive Someone Crazy?

Yesterday, a Tuesday, was a complicated one.

The alternative school needed me 9:30-1:30 and Steve had the day off. I dropped C off at school, ran to Walmart to get some things, headed off to work and Steven took Talmage and Alaska up to his grandparents to do some painting. Only, with Talmage not feeling well these past few days, he took some blankets to make a nest in the back of the car for Alaska and Talmage to hang out in if they needed. I thought that was a pretty good idea.

C has 2 hour visits with her mom every Tuesday, 2-4. Tamera had been a great help in running down to headstart to pick her up from school at noon and then took her back to her house to await the driver we are supposed to have to come get her at 1:30. At 1:45 no driver had shown up and I panicked a little. Tamera offered to bring C down to me at our house so I could get her to her appointment on time. At 1:55 I got a message from the office that there was no driver for C or her sister today and the case workers' supervisor was just leaving the office to come get them. I e-mailed real quick back saying that C was already on her way to the visit and we would see her there.

I drove to where I thought visits were and all the doors were locked. I called C's dad (long story as to why I have his number) and he gave me directions to where visits are being held now-a-days. We got back in the car and made it to visit just moments before the supervisor came in with C's sister.

It was 88 degrees and I was driving the car with no AC. Kenzie looked like a lobster coming into visit and her grandma gasped when she saw her, thinking it was sun burn. Which actually wouldn't be too far from the truth - that girl cannot spend half a hour outside without coming in pinker than pink.

You want to drive someone crazy? Alert them 5 minutes before a visit is going to start that there is no driver. It's stuff like this that just makes the best stories, hu?

What a Day

I could just cry. I could scream. It was the worst day in awhile and it has me all tied up in fits.

The head start home visit wound C up. She was a mess the half hour before we had to leave for acro jazz. She doesn't pick fights, but she'll do something super annoying over and over again and Alaska will ask her a dozen times to stop and she'll keep doing it and then Alaska wigs out on her and she wonders what hit her. It's aggravating. And it's not even something that would be super annoying the first time, it's just that her filter for controlling herself is gone a lot of the time and it just happens. I don't feel like she does it to get a rile out of Alaska - she does it because she doesn't know when enough is enough.

C was holding the reclining chair down in the living room, trapping Alaska in the corner. Alaska asked her to stop and she didn't, I sent her to her room, but more like had to pick her up and dump her in there because she wouldn't go. Bad, I know. Steven gave me a talking to about being more patient and getting her attention and talking out the situation rather than just straight wigging out. You don't reason with a 4 year-old, though. But I suppose that is what this counseling appointment is about. It can hardly come fast enough.

Anyways, she was in her room, screaming her head off. Which is so not ok. Steven wanted to take acro jazz away from her for the day because she couldn't pull it together. And of course, my reaction to that was, "It's her responsibility to show up for acro jazz. That's not something you can take away." And off we went. Bad, bad, bad. I think if I had a super power, it would be to see one hour in advance. So we get to acro jazz and she won't sit on the chairs to wait for the teacher. She would much rather race up and down the hall. I pulled out one of my better tools and I gave her a choice. "This chair? Or the chair over there?" Her face actually lit up in a smile after being turned in a frown about having to sit. Win for me! And then her teacher showed up and she was out of her seat, clamoring for attention the way that she does. Talking the loudest, pushing the closest and oh my goodness child - relax! She wouldn't sit down, her teacher says, "You need to listen to directions" and leaves. Lucky her. Still C won't sit down and I give her hand a little pull, which she whips away from me as if I have bitten her. The sweet girl sitting beside me who is in the older class says, "You can sit next to me." And C grudgingly sits down, but she sits. I tell her, "I need you to sit here for a little bit to make sure you can follow directions" and she bawls. A lot. And I say, "When you can pull yourself together, you can go to class" More tears. But she pulls herself together and doesn't give me a backward glance.

I don't want to go home. I am still high on all the hard work I put into it that morning and Steve was up at his parents house helping his dad with a truck project. Nothing much to go home for. We drove through the Taco Bell line and got some food to eat somewhere. I didn't want to be rude and take food up to Steve's parents' house without getting them some, too, and I hate it when people bring food to the play ground, so we went to this dog park area that has a table and is pretty vacant. I was still mad about the scene C had made at the dance studio and had her stay in the car for 5 minutes.

When she got out, everyone was happy and we played hide-and-seek and were having a great time. Tamera was driving back from doing activity days and stopped by. Everyone was so happy to have her there and Alaska had discovered little buds on the evergreens and was excitedly showing Grammar.  C walked up and swiped it out of her hand. She doesn't often do this, but it was timeout worthy. She swiped it out of Alaska's hand, kept walking, and then turned around when I said, "Umm, that's not appropriate. Get to the car" Which of course, no way was that happening. I took her hand to lead her there and she dead-weighted. So I picked her up and she was grabbing all over the car for something to hold onto to keep herself from getting put inside. It was ugly. And then when I did get her in, she opened the door and kicked it open. Holy! Did that just happen?

I left her there, crying and hollering for 5 minutes, went and checked in, and set the timer for another 5 minutes. She calmed down before that second 5 minutes and Tamera suggested I go get her while she was calm. She was happy for awhile and then was being immature and while I was talking to Tamera instead of watching her like a hawk - she picked up a handful of gravel and flung it - hitting Tamera's car. How much can a person take?!?!!?!? She was in the car again, same kind of episode as before. I lost it this time. My stamina was gone and I had been crossed one too many times. And we left. Baths for everyone and stories for those that weren't in the bath at the time and then rotating so that by the time everyone was out of the bath, everyone had had stories and it was time for brushing teeth and prayers and laying down with C and Alaska for 5 minutes each, as we always do.

I layed the love on thick - kill them with love. Read stories with C and held her close while Alaska and Talmage were in the bath. Also, I felt bad for losing it and wasn't what I wanted the highlight of her day to be. She is so easily distracted. When I asked her about today while laying down with her she said nothing about it. Which doesn't mean that it won't come up later, but at least I know I did my best to be gentle for the rest of the night. Extra soft voice and lots of hugs.

Probably me losing it wasn't the worst part. It was more the feelings that had to build up in order for me to pop like that. That was the bad part. I think I have more of a stubborn streak in me than I ever realized. Instead of throwing in the towel before acro jazz like a smart person would have done, I pushed through. And kept pushing.

Intentional Time

After last week's hecticity, I am falling back into the role of 'stay at home mom' - Talmage is sick style.

Talmage took two naps one day and I got in some quality time with Alaska. We made play dough animals and roll played a typical day, she is pretty observant, that one. Our day started with the daddy going to work and the mommy piling everyone in the car to go get the babysitter and then dropping everyone off back at home before going to work. We don't do it that way a whole lot, but often enough to be a big deal, I suppose.  Most often they are going to Tamera's.

Today, C has a home visit from headstart and I spent the better part of the morning cleaning. The whole bit. Sweeping, mopping and vacuuming with the hose along the walls. It used to be that I would do that once a week, regularly. As of late, it hasn't been happening and I have been more often using a wet cloth to do a quick wipe of the floors after the fact that something has spilled and dried and is collecting dirt on it. It felt good to wring the mop out in the sink and swish it deep under the stove, pulling out everything from ramen noodle crumbs to magnets that have escaped under there.

The house looks and smells beautiful and it is absolutely peaceful. I needed to get Alaska and Talmage out of the house as soon as I was done so they couldn't mess it up. We dropped by McDonalds for some lunch because I couldn't stand messing up the kitchen and then headed to the park for a hour before we needed to be back to pick up C from her morning hours of school.

I sat on the bench in the sun and let it warm me up with it's 'almost summer' warmth and watched Talmage and Alaska navigate around the play ground. Talmage made it up a tricky part all by himself when last time we were here he would have needed help. Alaska stayed close and let people know, "Be careful around my baby brother." Which is absolutely hilarious to me because she has only recently started calling him her 'baby brother' maybe for two weeks now and he is quickly blooming out of the baby stage and becoming 'little boy'. Signs that a real baby needs to come along soon, I suppose. So he isn't forever pegged 'baby brother'. I can hardly believe he's been a part of our family for nearly two years. I can't imagine it without him, and at the same time, it couldn't have really been that long?

Honeymoon Stage - Is That What That Time Was?

This past week was a hard one. I try to substitute 2 days a week, this past week I ended up with 4. On top of two visitations for C, mutual night, acro jazz, and taking orders for a fruit delivery. I was exhausted. I was so completely overwhelmed that I didn't get the phone calls made that I needed to set up appointments for this coming week. Which I did this morning. Call to the counselor, call to the WIC office, call to the doctor and a check-in about a play date.

I knew this week was going to be full of appointments, but really. I had no idea. And the weather is nice. Which means that I want another trip to the beach, but my freedom has been revoked. And we just went the week before. The weather can be so mild one day and scorching the next. Never tired of that, it keeps you on your toes. But it also makes a person want to be so wishy washy and maybe not show up for an appointment due to some great weather that you have to take advantage of.

C has gotten super hard again. Not pull my hair out crazy yet, but I do believe we are on our way. I think there's a couple stages that need to be noted. People talk about the 'honey-moon' stage where your foster is all peaches and roses because they want to please. Well, not sure if we have ever had something that is peaches and roses, but looking back in hindsight, I can see the honeymoon stage and it has come and gone. And what makes me most desperate is it was still so rough, I didn't recognize it as the honeymoon stage.

So here is my new theory. There's the adrenaline high of having a new person in the house. Patience is abounding and the new little person is figuring out how things work. Testing boundaries and running into them and bouncing off, only to be flung to the other side where they run into another boundary. This will end with desperation and a fear of, "What did we get ourselves into?" and lots of questioning of your stamina. But you will have hope that it gets better, so you hang on.

Then there's the honeymoon stage. Which could also be disguised as, "This is finally working!" stage. But hold on to it. Because it's not going to stay.

When that stage disappears there's the, "Wow. I don't know about this. And it's not just like, I don't know. It's like, we already did the hard stuff, is this what it is really like? Are you being for real right now?" And we carry on with our heads held high and our pride rather shaken and instead of saying anything else, we call it "the ride". We are on the ride right now and just hanging on, trying not to get bumped off. It's not super enjoyable but I've invested too much to let it get the best of me. There has got to be more improvement somewhere.

And that is where we are right now. Right at the start of it. C won't listen to me. She ignores me. When I ask her to do something that is not butterflies and giggles I get resistance. And if she really has her heart set on something, she'll do limp noodle and dead-weight on me. This is the time for all my tantrum training to shine. I hope I can get it right. She argues most everything and my new tag line is, "I am done talking about it" and I try my best to move away from her or busy myself with something else.

Also - this whole past month has been spattered with kids being sick. I have stayed home, predictably, from church every other Sunday with someone sick. Most often C or Talmage. It has gotten old really fast and I haven't been to the gym in about two months because you can't take sick kids to the gym, either. And I am nervous about starting up again because it seems that without a doubt they get something within in the first couple days of me going back. As if they need a little time to adjust their immune systems to the new environment and I just can't do it. I don't have time for sick kids.

Head Start

1.5 hours to get C signed up for Headstart.
2.5 hours for orientation

First day she was a wreck when she got home. Total stimulation overload. Everything was a big deal and if there was any suggestion made it was received with a howling fit.

She had worked so hard at holding it together all day, I could tell. When I came to pick her up, she was helping lay out forks and napkins for the next class' lunch. She was happy enough to come home, which was a relief to one of my bigger fears. It's a fear always tucked away in the back of my memory. Saying goodbye after those early visitations. Screaming. Stomping feet. Crying. I am most always on edge for it to happen again every time I pick her up from somewhere where I know she has had a good time.

By Thursday, she was acting like a normal child. Total normal child. Up and happy to go in the morning and pleasant after school. Not carrying on too much as I do her hair. Which takes exactly 5 minutes to comb out and then any extra minutes it takes to do a braid or clip in bobby pins to keep her wild curls out of her face.