Choosing to Love Guest Speaker

We'll call this our guest speaker. This is the post that gave me so much strength, made my emotions rise to the top and whisper, "me too."

https://droppinganchorsblog.com/page/8/

Choosing to Love

Posted on April 13, 2015 by kellyjhess

We got the call a few days before Christmas. For once, my Christmas shopping was done and we were preparing for a pretty stress-free holiday. Our last placement had been 9 months prior and the daily anticipation of a phone call from our agency had long since passed.

When we heard about a little girl who needed a home, we immediately said yes. We began the mental lists and “to do’s” of what were immediate needs for her and what we would need to roll through the holidays with another addition to our family. We excitedly picked up this sweet girl and walked into the unknowns that come with being a foster parent.

She was such a happy toddler. Our kids loved playing with her. She had such a sweet spirit and such pretty blue eyes. She won the hearts of everyone who met her.

Except mine.

I struggled to connect with her. At all. With our previous placements, it took a while to feel as though I had a healthy bond with each child. One took longer than the other, but eventually it happened.

But with this sweet blond-haired, blue-eyed sweetheart, daily life was such a battle. I was told she didn’t eat. Ever. But she loved food. She would stretch up on her tippy toes to grab any food that was within reach. She dumped countless bowls of food and cups of water on her face. It wasn’t that she was denied food in her home, she was just given it whenever she desired. Her lack of interest at meals was actually a lack of hunger. So we eventually stretched out the snacks, and she began eating her meals.

But finishing her string cheese and not being given a second could send her into a 45 minute tantrum.

It appeared as though she had never heard the word “no.” The meaning of it had never been taught. She didn’t speak yet and her known ways of communicating were through whining, shrieks and full-on tantrums.

Weeks and months passed, but the more time went on, the harder I found it to be near her.

She made lots of progress! She began signing and even learned new words. Her fits lessened and she began to understand life in our house, and we began to understand her more.

But my heart still struggled.

Love is a choice. I had to make a decision to choose to love her. I may not enjoy her—and she might even annoy me—but love is a choice, and this little girl deserved it.

Everyone deserves to be loved.

I had to mentally, physically and emotionally choose this daily.

There were days I was just done. I cried a lot. A lot of my ugly reared it’s head. I remember feeling that I had moved past being selfish about my time. I finally understood that my time and my priorities were mixed up with what God’s priorities were. But I still had moments where if I had to bend over and pick up another water spill I might snap.

Most people didn’t understand. After all, isn’t that what foster care is all about? Isn’t this what parenting is all about?

In the midst of it all, I asked these question many times.

Is this working? Can I do this for another month? Another year?

I battled in my heart for weeks. Am I being selfish if I tell the agency we are done? Am I failing her? Am I one more person who has let her down? Abandoned her?

In the end, we learned more about her case and did decide it was best to speak up and have her moved to a new home. She deserved to be in a home where she would be given more one-on-one attention. She craved it, and this mama couldn’t give her what she needed.

I packed up her things with probably a little more excitement than I cared to admit at the time. A few weeks later I dropped her off at the agency, where her new foster mom was waiting, and it got a little more real. And as I pulled away, the tears began. I sobbed off and on all day.

The inward battle was so real. Here I was, trying to help and protect children, and I failed her. Again. But I also knew that as her foster mom, by not being able to give her the love she deserved, I was also failing her.

Love is a choice. I had to choose to love her. I was exhausted, emotional and so frustrated I could scream. But it was a choice.

A choice that I didn’t make well.

I felt a lot of guilt for weeks afterwards. Maybe I just wasn’t cut out to be a foster mom.

I worried other people would think we just gave up. That we didn’t “like” her enough, or that we just aren’t cut out to be foster parents. “Isn’t this just normal toddler behavior?”

Recognizing that for one reason or another, I couldn’t bring myself to show this child love, and deciding to move her to a home that could provide that was the best decision for us all.

We almost closed our home. I even told our caseworker that we would be on hold for a while. I was done. I had too much fear that the same thing would happen with another child.

But as I looked back on the time she was in our home, I realized two things.

First, that love IS a choice. I wish I could say I powered through and chose to love her even when it was hard. Even when I didn’t want to love her; when I daydreamed about how much easier life was before she came. But rather than working on changing my heart and celebrating the daily successes, I let those daydreams distract me from the child in front of me—a child who desperately wanted to be loved.

Secondly, I realized if I was not able to bring myself to that place of loving when it was hard, that it was more loving to let her go. I’m not saying it’s loving to give up when you know you should try harder, but what I realized was that it wasn’t fair to this sweet girl who deserved so much more than I was choosing to give her. Some days, it was selfishness on my behalf. Other days it was desperation. But overall, I knew it was the right thing to do.

Although it’s hard for me to admit, I do not miss her. I still wonder about her. I still pray for her. I still wish that I had done things differently, but somewhere in my heart I knew she wasn’t meant to be ours. And that brings me peace.

As time went on, we decided not to close our home, but take a break. A few weeks later we talked about opening for respite. A few weeks after that we decided to open our home again. It was scary, but we took that step.

And guess what? This time it was different. We all fell hard this time for the sweet child who came into our home. Love came easier this time. And yet, there are still days when that selfishness still creeps in, and I have those “what if’s.” But just as each child is unique, so are the parents who parent them. And sometimes children may come into a home that just isn’t the right fit. Sometimes you won’t even be able to put a finger on the exact reason. And that’s ok. You are not a failure as a foster parent and recognizing this doesn’t make you another failed relationship to the child. You are a part of his or her healing, even if just for a moment. Love is a choice, and at the end of the day, choosing to love a child will never be a mistake.

The Internal Search

I've been doing a lot of internal searching. For what, I wasn't all that sure. But when I found it - I knew. And it filled me to the top and made me cry all over the place.

I started with typing into google search "Foster parent blogs" and came across a few and wasn't super intrigued and then found what I was looking for in droppinganchorsblog.com. It was exactly what I had been looking for that I hadn't known I had been looking for. A lot of fluffy, happy stories about the ending of a story of foster care turned into adoption. And I was wondering why the heck are there so many of these. And then realized, people write and talk about the extra-ordinary. People take photos of the extra-ordinary. These are written and recorded because they are extra. They are miracles. So many placements end in the child going to back to a mediocre, just barely good enough, home. A 'safe' home - nothing more. These stories that end in a happy adoption story after a couple of years in the system are miracles and stories that people like to share.

Nestled down on page 8, though, was the story that will continue to give me strength, so long as I can keep my wits about me. And by wits, I mean keep a clear mind and a clear heart and keep the 'but onlys' out of the way. A lot of people have the 'what ifs' give them problems. I have the 'but onlys' show up on my door and want to pound it down.

Like this one particular, "But it would only be a little bit longer" on the conditions of C moving in with her dad. I don't think they are going to make it to my mandated Spring Break - they are still waiting for a move-in date. So it would only be a little longer that I would need to keep C to make her transition as smooth as possible. To keep her from having to go to another foster home or anything before moving in with dad.

It's a big deal. And when I feel I have already reached my max. That we are just coasting right now. I am just hanging on. I am so tired of talking about her and her behavior goals. So tired of the correcting and re-directing. Just worn out. And the bonding. It's not there. I am still just her Jessica. Which is fine. It's fine for a girl who has reactive attachment disorder and wants to go home to her own family. It's just fine, and probably healthy. But it doesn't help our home life here. It's not sustainable for long term. It's hard to give this girl everything. Especially the patience, that her own mom can't give her, and to not be given the appreciation that could possibly be shown in the way of calling ME 'mom'. It's something that I want so bad, and can hardly explain why, and then immediately feel guilty about wanting.

Talmage doesn't trust C. At all. She is not his sister. Not even a little bit. The other day they were eating leftover fruit from a party I had hosted the night before. It was still on it's large serving platter and I had put it on the table. Each kid had a fork and was helping themselves. Talmage was a little too far to reach without getting down off his chair and coming around to get closer. C noticed that he was done with his piece and offered to put a new piece on for him. He declined. To prove a point, I asked if Alaska could put a piece on for him, and he gratefully handed his fork over for her to fix up.

There have been other instances of this dis-trust, too, and I just feel worn out and disheartened by it all. I knew that she wasn't going to be 'ours' from the beginning. And everyone always talks about how hard it is to love them and let them go and I guess we are being spared this experience for our first one. We had no idea what a good fit for us would have been back then, and probably would have said yes anyway. We have been able to be part of a great team and because of them I have been able to come this far without loosing my marbles. It's been a great, hard, all worth-it experience. But I have to stick to my guns about when enough is enough. And that is hard.

I am not a quitter. And can be driven on solely by the fact that hard things don't last forever and the idea of seeing something all the way through to the finish. There were plenty of semesters at college that stretched me and I knew it was only for '4 months' and anyone can do anything for 4 months, right? Hard stuff. Things like staying at the library until they closed at 11 and things like getting to the library by 4 am to do my custodial job of cleaning and vacuuming. 4 months. You can do it. And when the 4 months is over - it's just over. Not too many lasting, long-term effects other than a job done and well-done.

Sparkle Flower

Things move fast around here. Just this week I misplaced three days. Looking back on the week they're just - gone. No idea what I did - and unfortunately - these are usually my busiest, fullest days.

But you know what I did do? I had an ultra-sound to verify the due date of our newest edition. And you know what else? It's a boy. And I am 18 weeks-ish and the due date is still set at July 23rd, maybe take a week.

And can I just tell you - the first time I saw his little body. It was all snuggled up into mine. I am sure in there it is toasty warm wherever you are - but he was curled up, facing me, as if he were outside of me, searching for warmth. His little spine and the back of his head and his legs curled up. Just darling. Just the shadow of him was darling. And I know. We're going to be ok.

The placenta is all stretched out on the front of my belly. Which means I won't feel him move as much and also means 'don't panic when the heart beat can't be found straight-away.' But he's there and we're gonna be friends. I am pretty sure the placenta was in front for Talmage, as well, which was really just fine. No one likes being jabbed all up and over the place. Alaska was a kicker and Talmage was much more calm in there. Not sure if he really was calm or I just couldn't feel him as much - but it was a win. And his sweet personality would give off the impression that he was calmer. Maybe I can get lucky again.

The ultra-sound specialist was just the absolute best. Each picture she took she explained and then ended with, "Such a cute baby" And she was so super careful to never say the word 'it'. She always, always said, 'You're sweet one' or some kind of variation. It was comforting in a weird way since it was something that I noticed and wouldn't have minded if she call the baby an 'it' or not - I don't think. But it was thoughtful and you could just tell that she loved her job so much.

My mom went with me, by happen-chance. Steven was doing an interview and I didn't think we were going to find out the sex anyways. I was just going to wing it by myself and then my mom had the day off of school for a snow day and she came with me. It was nice to have someone to share the excitement with.

I am mostly excited for Alaska to come with Steve and I to the 20 week appointment. She is going to be beside herself. She loves this little boy something fierce already.

I was so nervous to tell Alaska that her 'Sparkle Flower' would need to have a more masculine name. I knew she wanted a sister and I really wanted to give her what she wanted. Even though Steven and I had been trying for a boy, by the time the ultra-sound happened, Alaska had me convinced that a girl would be best for our family. We were reading Junie B. Jones and in that particular story Junie was telling her class about her new baby brother. And that's when we told Alaska. Feeding off Junie B.'s excitement. And you know what? Alaska was just fine. I guess all her excitement is mostly about having a baby. Boy or girl. Sigh of relief.

A Few Successes

We had a meeting last week with GOHBI  - great oregon health and behavior intervention. It's kind of like a mental health thing - but specifically for behavior - and it's also a kind of foster care system in some 'foster care on steroids' type of way. C's sister has been admitted into it for a variety of reasons. They are basically the same - but C isn't in school yet and doesn't have the same expectations set upon her so she's not spitting on the bus and doing obnoxious, inappropriate things at school. Not yet anyways.

This meeting brought together all the caretakers (fp, mom/dad, grandma), caseworker, a counselor, the attorneys, and the CASA. Maybe 15 people? We talked about, specifically, T's (the sister) strengths, weaknesses, things that those that care for her want for her, and then strengths and weaknesses of the team. Of all the grown-ups. That was slightly embarrassing. But needed to be said.

Basically, though, I am super-staring this foster parent thing. As approved upon by the counselor on two separate occasions and verified by bio-mom. And it felt so good! I could feel a kitten inside of me getting nice pets on the head and pressing it's head into the hand petting it, purring loudly. Weird visual?

First thing that was said was that the foster parents are extremely invested in the well-being of these girls. We are willing learners and care to make ourselves better people, not just make the kids better. This makes a lot of difference in our willingness to follow through with homework and things.

Second thing that was said was that I usually check-in once a week with the counselor through e-mail, fine tuning what I am working on with C and reporting the good and the bad. Winning! And then bio-mom pipes up and says, "Oh, yeah. Jessica prints out a letter for me with what she's been working on and phrases that work or don't work. C knows what the word 'appropriate' means and I can tell her if something is not appropriate and she stops." Made my heart swell. All my hard work, being payed off. Being noticed and appreciated. Winning!

And so I went home all proud of myself and ballooned up and told my mom. And she was happy, and not surprised, but reminded me that even awesome people can get tired and worn out. And yes. It was a good 'come down off that and be realistic' because I was all ready to keep going for months. When really, even looking back on the great stuff that C and I accomplished this week, I am worn out. Usually the wins can fill me up long enough to keep wanting to go and looking forward to what's next. But right now I just want to be done. A weekend without C doesn't even fill me up. If anything, it makes me a little more tired when she comes back with all that energy after I have had a nice break.

So I am making the right choice. How to tell when I am done - my fire is just gone.

But I wanted to share our successes. Because that's important in this whole deal.

Success 1: Putting things in a positive. C can be prompted into changing, "Talmage! Stop pushing me!" into "Talmage, move away." And enjoys it. Like it's a game. 

I am still practicing this myself and if I don't catch my own self and do a self-correction Kenzie reminds me. She likes helping me 'put it in a positive' and can sometimes come up with a solution faster than I can. It's been a sort of game. 

Success 2: The wild attempts to get help, "I need a drink of water!!!!" Have turned into, "I need a drink of water." I ignore the announcement and something miraculous has happened. If it's something that she can take care of herself, she just carries on and gets it done. If it's something that she does actually need help with, she rephrases to the appropriate words. This small difference has made a world of peace in our house.

Talmage Musings

Why in the world is this kid sooooo cute!?!?!?!? At least twice a day I think to myself, "Oh my gosh. This one is mine!" His dark, dark eyes hold my soul. And I know that sounds pathetic. But he's my little boy. My first little boy. And I am his first girl. And we just love on each other. There's just something so extra-special about the love between a boy and his momma.

This past little bit has been super crazy with a drop-off to head start for C at 8 am and then a pick-up for her at 12 pm. And a drop-off for Alaska at 9 am and then a pick-up at 2 pm. When school started I knew I would need to make some good, solid choices. I could go to the gym in the morning when there is childcare. But that would mean sacrificing my morning with Talmage. And I didn't want to have my one-on-one time with him interrupted and distracted by the gym. So I chose to skip the gym and spend my mornings with him. We do things like read and play blocks and since I have been so sick we have done a lot of watching movies together. But we were snuggled and he didn't mind watching my non-animated shows.

He is the sweetest little thing - always dropping what he's doing to come give me a hug and a hello when I walk in the door from a day at work. Generous with the love of hugs and kisses and I just eat it all up.

This past week he got a hair-cut and I wasn't such a super fan, until I got him all dolled up for church with gel and hairspray and I just couldn't even stop looking at him! He was soooooo cute!

He went through a little nasty phase there for a second where he had quite the attitude. Mostly because I was too sick to do any kind of follow-through for bad behavior so he was getting away with most anything - and not just because he was cute. But because I couldn't move to put him in timeout when he didn't want to go or wouldn't stay put. I hoped at the time that I wasn't ruining him for life. And this week I can say, no, he's going to be ok. He was having a little attitude voice and would say 'Momma' almost like a swear word. Whenever he got upset or had to do something he didn't like, "Momma" and now I can barely hear it in my mind. Which is fine. Because I hated it. But it would have been something good to document because it was who he was for a month or so there.

Now he has turned that over for something much, much cuter and I need to remember to get it on video. But he does this little thing where he puts his hands on his hips and walks forward with his chest first, followed by his hips and legs. His face down low like he's mad but with a goofy little smile on it. It is just the cutest. And he knows it. He can't keep that goofy smile on long before it erupts into giggles.

The other day I had to take C to a dentist appointment and I took him along. It made my heart happy to be able to do that and not blink an eye. Because when Alaska was that age, I would have definitely had gotten her a sitter because I wouldn't have been able to be with C and be chasing a 2 year-old down the hall. But with Talmage, I knew he would sit on my lap or stand close and things would be just fine. It is so absolutely amazing to have a child that is a little more low-key.

Although, you wouldn't know that at church. He throws me for a loop every time. One, because he won't sit still unless he's out in the foyer. Then he is as still as can be and often falls asleep. And two, because even when I take toys, they never last long and he ends up chucking them to the row ahead of us or dropping them on the floor and twisting in my arms. Steven has to man him most Sundays and they sit quietly together while I wrangle both girls with coloring books or something of the sort.

Alaska Musings

Alaska has been the absolutely most cutest about having a new baby in the house. She is so super excited and is for certain that it is going to be a girl. Named Sparkle Flower but most commonly called, "The Little One." and when I haven't seen Alaska all day she gives me hugs and kisses and then a hug and a kiss for 'The Little One'. She is just so darling about the whole thing.

Alaska also knows that her most important part of being a bigger sister is to make sure that Talmage and C don't step on the baby. Which she is very concerned about, especially C. I guess she knows at what speed C hurtles herself through life and her very careless attitude toward objects of any kind. I would fear for the baby, as well. A little grateful we don't have to entertain that idea of having both of them together.

I have an ultra sound set for tomorrow for measurements. I hope they can kind of see what is happening in there. A boy or girl. But even if they did, I know I wouldn't be able to get my hopes up until the 20 week ultra sound.

Lately Alaska has enjoyed cutting. Cutting anything. I just found a coloring book with 5 or 6 pages ripped out and the pictures carefully cut out and stacked in a pile. She is really good at cutting straight on even curving around lines and not chopping through the whole thing.

I think I take a lot of her accomplishments for granted. Even a couple days ago, my mom was here watching them while I went to a Love and Logic workshop and when I got back they were reading Junie B. Jones. Alaska was able to give a good, solid prediction for what was going to happen next in the story and my mom is all like, "Jessica! Did you hear that?! That is so good!" And I would have had no idea.

Lots of Changes Coming

We're doing a lot of changes around here. Steven got on the promotion list a couple weeks ago and has already had 4 interviews. None of them have stuck yet - but there is time.

His first one I was so so so excited about for Cottage Grove. I looked up houses, I looked up history on the town, I was all set to move into a large Victorian or a whimsical Kelly green house and even had Steven swing by the addresses while he was down there to interview. It ended up not working out, and it wasn't even that sad because he had three other interviews set up, which would get us into a bigger store and give us more money even though the Cottage Grove position was for assistant manager and these bigger stores are for a position one less than assistant manager. So I guess everything is working out ok.

The next two were in Washington, which, being an Oregon girl, I have a little bit of a beef with Washington. Because so many people think they are so similar - but they really are not. And Oregon is way better and everyone knows it, even if no one can say exactly why.

And the third was in King City - which is total retirement place with a sprawling gold course and houses start at $300K. For a two bedroom. So I wasn't really so excited. Because even the surrounding cities are expensive since it's so close to Portland. And in a fair world, we would be able to pay for a house in that area by working in that area. But I really think not. The other Washington stores were the same. To buy house was out of our budget.

And then there is the change that will come with C. I have been so sick. So worn out. Everything has become a big deal. Her volume, her inability to focus, the way she always has to do what Talmage is doing. It has just all been adding up. And then the possibility of this move we will have to make in the next little while. On top of all that is the shadow of the terminating of the rights of the parents. Apparently even after the papers have been served, the waiting list for a court date is 6 months out, and I haven't even heard yet if there is a court date set. And then the fact that even after the court date, then DHS is finally free to be looking for a family for these kids and they are going to try to keep at 4 of them together. Someone is going to have to do some fast talking to get that done, is what I think. Finding these kids a home is a long ways out.

Before Steven got on the list, I thought I could make it to June, when school gets out. But I have let DHS know that they need a new home for her by spring break - the end of March. I cannot do this forever and I definitely don't want DHS scrambling for a home for C while we are trying to clean house and pack and find new housing and everything. It's just more than I can handle.

Right now - the foster mom of the older sister - will have an opening in her house right at Spring Break time. She has told DHS that the sister needs new housing come the end of June, when school is out. They won't do another summer with her home all day. So, what will probably end up happening is DHS will put C in with her sister for the remaining of the school year and then they are going to try and find a family that has no other kids. A family that can give these two girls 100% of the attention they both so desperately need. I've already been giving C 100% of everything and you know what, it has just worn me out. I am just literally worn out. I cannot do a high maintenance child like that forever. I could do a year. But that is about my threshold max, I have decided.