I was totally and completely furious. Furious when Steven told me that there had been promotion opportunities that he had not applied for. I felt utterly betrayed and I cannot imagine feeling any differently than if he had cheated on me. It was the highest level of betrayal and I don't appreciate anyone telling me differently. Those are my feelings and they are real. All of my future was relying on that promotion. That move. I had been living with my hand hovering over the 'go' button for five years and then to find out that the 'go' button had been disconnected all together without me knowing was a huge shock to my system. To my trust. The only thing that I could think of to do back that would hurt in the same way was to leave. To just leave and take the kids. And that is a scary feeling. To be so hurt. So mad. So lost that I was willing to break a family. My family. Willing to tear my family apart for revenge of a hurt heart. It was an extremely powerful and very real feeling. And it was near paralyzing to have an emotion that strong ripping through my body.
A feeling of revenge doesn't sit well with me. That is small thinking. A feeling of calling it done and everyone knowing full and well beforehand that my line has been drawn is one thing. But to take off for revenge just didn't feel good. So I stayed. I screamed and I cried and I stayed. I woke up nights with Axton and couldn't get back to sleep. I screamed and cried those nights, too. After two of them I told Steven I wasn't doing it anymore. He would need to get up with Axton because I wasn't being able to get back to sleep. And bless his heart that I hated at that time. He did it.
Steven called LDS services for some marriage counseling. And I shut my mouth. I couldn't even talk. It was the silent treatment for a week. Nothing kind was on my mind and life was not going well. I was pretty much done. Just making it day to day. My heart was broken over my girls. My heart was full with a new baby. My heart was up and down and all over the place and I was mad. Mad that life was not where I wanted it to be and maddest that it for sure wasn't going anywhere fast. And I was stuck. Something I have never been before. I would consider myself pretty resilient and pretty flexible to make things work out one way or another - but this time. It was done. I was stuck.
We got to counseling and it was relieving. It was a hour and a half of talking about Steven and I and our relationship and our history and anything anyone would want to know. It was an emotional time, although I was still mad enough that I didn't have a lot of emotion to share. The lady was a little too, I don't even know. Too something. Too inquisitive. Too touchy-feely. We didn't go back. Not for the money that we would need to shell out when we had big, fat problems that were very general. Perhaps we'll go back when we are ready to fine-tune our relationship. But not right now. I called up our health insurance, found out they didn't cover marriage counseling, but the employee assistance program would cover it. 100%. 4 sessions for me. 4 sessions for Steven. And that would start over in January. I was optimistic that we could get our lives headed in the right direction in 8 weeks. It felt like forever, but it needed to be started somewhere.
After that first counseling session, things opened up. We were going to make it. A heartfelt talk and a good cry and commitment was on my lips again. Not love. But commitment. We would get through this and things would be ok. As much as I would want a present mother and father in my kids' lives - I wanted this to work mostly for me. I wanted to be have a relationship that worked well and that I love.
Among all these things happening - there were some noteworthy Sundays that softened my heart. When I was in church, where I could concentrate on what my faith looks like and what makes it strong and what makes my testimony as strong as it is and what that testimony is made of - that's where I found my strength to keep poking along. Those Sundays that were so hard for me because of the weeks that I had just endured of having a new baby and wanting more for my life. But I showed up for them and for some reason there was always something that always spoke directly to my heart. Piercing it with truth and understanding. And I knew it was all going to be ok. It was going to be uncomfortable, but it was going to be ok.
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