4 Weeks Measured by Heart Taps

People. I love, love having 4 kids! The heart taps that come are un-countable. And yet I want to remember every. single. one.

My heart just wants to implode and explode, all at the same time. It is amazing the joy I find in having these two extra girls in our home. They are so absolutely pleasant and it saddens me to no end that their mom and dad can't be the ones taking care of them. But I am soaking up the opportunity that I have.

reading together on the bed

homework all together at the table

mother's day cards

Their comments on how much they love it here, how much they love each other and Talmage and Alaska. They have quickly become a mainstay of our family and I have been scheming how to keep them longer. I was so nervous taking them in with such a short time until our newest edition but now I am all up and anxious about them leaving.

I did a nesting clean-up of our room. Making the most of the space and clearing out a space for a pack-and-play. Talked to my parents about doing respite care while they can so I can give Steven the family time he thinks he needs before the baby comes. Talked to them about doing respite after the baby comes so we can do a little adjusting. And then talked to a few other people, too, about taking care of the girls while the baby is born. It was all coming together.

And then I contacted our certifier. And she basically said, Ummmm - thank you for being so flexible and I am glad this placement is working out - but you really don't have the room. On top of that, the mom of the brother had already said that she could take the girls. She had just needed the extra time to figure out child care and everything complicated like that. She's amazing and is a single mom who works - I hate to see her take on so much - but I know she'll do wonders. So all my planning and cleaning and everything was pretty much for naught and I bawled my eyes out.

Which in turn made my madder than I have ever been before. I am so ridiculously upset that my dreams are being shot down by space. Space that I don't have any control over because housing in St. Helens is mounting into a bubble (269,000 for a 3 bedroom!!!!) and rent isn't much better. We're lucky to be where we are, but it's not enough. And on account that Steven hasn't promoted yet and is looking at a career change and yet nothing is moving. It's stagnant.

Fostering has held my head over the water - allowing me to do great things while in my limited situation and now that my 'doing great things' has been expanded it absolutely disgusts me that I can't keep going. I so badly want a house with a yard. With multiple rooms. One extra child used to be scary, and then two was scary, and now I feel like I am ready to take on three if I were asked. And now I am stunted. To one extra. Where I have already been and done.