And then Monday was over. Tuesday was the first day that it actually felt like 'real life' again. It was amazing. So calm - both the physical and the internal parts of me. Steven puts it exactly accurate. It's like 60% of our family is missing. And not by missing, as we miss it, but missing as in - gone. Removed. C took up 60% of the time, the management, the emotional energy and Talmage and Alaska were left to split the rest 20, 30 for themselves. It was unhealthy. It was taxing. I am so glad it is over.
Talking to Alaska over the next few days I have learned that she had taken on the responsibility of being mom to C. I guess I had known this - she was always telling C what to do and making sure things were running smoothly, but I thought she did that out of her own need to have things run smoothly, not because she was trying to make things easier for me or seeing how drowning I was. I had been discouraging her from 'tattle-telling' and encouraging her to take care of problems on her own. But maybe there were more problems than she could emotionally and healthfully take care of on her own and I should have given her more of a break. I'll know for next time. And she'll be older. A whole year and a half older than when C came to us and I think I didn't realize that as it was happening. That she would be able to articulate her feelings and needs more clearly. So I didn't check in as much as I probably should have.
We had such a huge learning curve all the way around on this case I can't even imagine myself being able to absorb all the damage that was being done until I look back now. I hadn't been trained at all to know when damage was happening. To look for it. We were just swimming forward with all our might to get this girl the stability and other things that she needed and then patiently treading water as things started to sort out, but treading water is much more tiring than actual swimming and that treading water turned into drowning. I wouldn't say distress drowning - but more like the silent kind. Maybe a little of distress now that I think of it. But mostly we tried our best to make everything look normal on the outside until the time was actually posted when C could move on and that's when the distress started happening. When others could see our splashing and rocking and the hard stuff started being easier to talk about because it was going to be removed.
I am so grateful for the special combinations that have been put in my path. A combination of this Wounded Children, Healthy Homes book that we happened to be reading just the right chapter at just the right time for me to realize that my decision of enough is enough is accurate. Because even though I kept pressing forward with the knowledge that we needed to call it quits - a little encouragement on that goes a long way and I have clung to everything I could. Every word.
And also the fact that DHS has a second agency working with them right now, like within the past two weeks, specifically to give foster parents support, called Maple Star. It is a pilot program right now - but I can't imagine it not catching fire and spreading to the rest of the state. Right now it is only in our district and it has been amazing. They were reaching out to each foster parent individually and I missed the call. So I wrote an e-mail in, checking in, telling them about our situation. And the sweet lady that got my message sent a tender reply, which then positioned me to write back with further detail and she very accurately gave me the encouragement that I needed. The validation. I have been thinking about her words a lot this past week without C and want to include them on here so that my whole journey is in one place. And I also feel like I need to add my own too bits in. My thoughts on the whole thing, so as to give another parent a chance to realize that we are only human. I have had some break throughs that have been able to remove the guilt of turning C over to someone else and I know that these breakthroughs have been an integral part of making this whole change a peaceful one for me.
It has been hard. It has been extremely hard. The hardest thing I have ever done since college. That was 7 years ago. I guess it was about time I did something hard. But this was SO hard. So absolutely freaking hard. It makes me want to clench my teeth and scream it out.
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