Hikes

We have done 6 of 10 hikes and it has been eye opening. Do I like hiking, no, not especially. I thought getting out there and seeing cool stuff would be great, which it is, but it's not something I would do for 'fun'. I am doing it to gain a goal. I feel more rounded, which is gratifying, and I enjoy taking a picture at the end to prove that it is done.

My Facebook posts have gained me a little popularity and two people have asked me for suggestions on some local hikes. That is empowering. As if I were an expert on the subject, right? Bah.

It will be something that we do again, next summer. 10 hikes a summer is just about right. It keeps you taking every opportunity that you can and maybe do a little hustling at the end. Which is what we're going to have to do. 2 weeks of summer left and 4 hikes left to do. We are going to Utah on Monday and will need to finish up the hikes there, which will also be fun. Get some variety in my photos. I have a goal to get some red rock in a photo and found a short little walk called Devil's Kitchen which is pretty much a square of red rock near Payson, rather than having to go all the way to St. George area to get my red rock photo. And it's short enough that Talmage will be able to do it without a stroller. I am borrowing a hiking backpack from someone in the ward to take with me so that I don't need to take the stroller, but that means the girls have to carry all their own water bottles and snacks and I don't know how that is going to go down.

We have done all shaded hikes. It's what you do in the PNW. All but one. One was in the sun. I can still see in my mind, Alaska on the right side of my mom crying and saying, "The sun is in my shoes!" and C to the left side of my mom, her hands covering her eyes and me mildly wondering if she is even looking where she is going. The whole walk was like that and it was painful to my ears. At the look-out point Alaska would not take a photo and I have her documented bawling her heart out with C covering her ears because it is so loud. That was our hardest one.

My two favorites have been Lewis River lower and middle falls and Sauvie's Island Warrior Rock trail. Lewis River because it was beautiful and the kids had a great time stopping to play in the water and even though it was long, it didn't feel so long because it was shaded and gently rolling. And Warrior Rock because it has a good story that my mom was able to wrap up in a Facebook post:

So Jess posted the pictures, but I have to add the details to show just how incredible this daughter of mine is. . . . . . I'm just trying to support her in reaching a goal, you know? Nothing can stop her, and she does it all with enthusiasm and a smile! So, when a scheduled appointment threatens to keep you off the trail? Leave earlier! When parking permits are 10 miles back? Race back to get the permits while the other manages kids and puts strollers together. Short on time? Hustle! Time is up? Run! And holler with "whoops" and "yips" to make the kids laugh as we charge through the tall grass and blackberry brambles. This amazing daugher of mine. . . . . Doing incredible things every day. Conquering the world one goal at a time. Never a mishap. Always an adventure to embrace. Love you! Thanks for the memorable day!

We're Getting There!

People. Hear this! C may actually be a normal child under all her trauma and type A personality. Oh my goodness it is wonderful news and I feel so hopeful! I could just spin her around in circles. 

We just had our second to last counseling appointment for this Parent Child Interactive Therapy. I nailed it. One more to make sure things are going smoothly and then we are going to move onto the Parent Child Psychotherapy. With me. This is something that under the best of circumstances she would do with her mom, as her mom is the cause of the trauma and inner turmoil, but I will start it to hold her place while mom gets life under control. When we first went into all of this the counselor suggested that C would need both PCIT and PCP and we decided to start with PCIT to get her behavior under control. Which it is! Holy crap-oli. A month ago I could have told C to do something and we could have a 2 minute stare down of wills. Now I tell her to do something and she'll start in on it within 5 seconds or I can threaten a time-out and usually that gets her hustling to obey. And if the timeout doesn't work there are steps to take to make sure that it works and it has been relieving to my soul. I can breathe. I can take the girl in public and expect obedience and good behavior. No more tantrums, staredowns or stress that comes from a child that flat out won't listen to expectations. It is a miracle. I have put so much hard work into her. More work than I have my own children. And the payoff is finally coming.

This has been such a long time coming and I still feel like the phase 1 stuff was a little bit of a waste of time. I mean, I was so good at it and so far from it all at the same time it was frustrating. But it's good now and I am so good at it that today the counselor came to the house for our appointment and I was able to use my PRIDE skills on Talmage, Alaska and C, all at the same time. And it wasn't even hard. I was all in. All right there. And I exceeded by a million. Nearly doubling the requirements of 10. I was hitting numbers like 17 and 18.

We had to come to the house because the last appointment we had, C did exactly as I asked her each time, no time-out threatening needed. Which is fantastic, except that I needed to show that I could follow through with a time-out threaten and she never gave me the opportunity. So we amped it up by coming to the house where Alaska and Talmage could take some of her precious attention and I knew she would flip out. Which she did. The counselor noticed and is definitely going to focus on anger management type techniques to help her keep calm in frustrating situations in this next therapy we do. 

This past week we have struggled hard with house rules. Things like hands to self and talking quietly. I asked the counselor about implementing my timeout techniques for those and there is a whole section on it in her big fat book. I am relieved. We will start doing that this week. 

C's hardest things are not interrupting and giving people space. The counselor let me know that I could insist upon these things. Insist that she wait until I am done talking to someone and insist that she takes 2 steps back. This has given me some much needed breathing room and I don't feel like C needs to rule the house when someone is over. It is so amazing. So so so amazing.

One Month of Summer Left

We did a hike to Opal Falls over Memorial Day Weekend. It was packed. To put it mildly. The cars were parked along the side of the road starting at about 5 miles before the trail head. We were running later than we had wanted for a starting time, which worked in our favor. We were able to grab an empty early bird's spot just a few hundred feet from the entrance. 

Grandma Graff and my whole family, minus Dorian, came and it was so pleasant. There was lots to see and take pictures of. It used to be the location of a mining shaft and a lot of the necessary things were still there. The things that were too heavy to take out. Like a few rail cars and some other stuff. We took the stroller and Talmage and the girls took turns riding in it, riding on shoulders and walking. It was a huge amount of walking - 6.5, although the distance gets longer each time I tell the story. I'll keep it at 6.5, which is what we bargained for when we first started out. 

It was beautiful, just the whole thing, but especially getting to the top and seeing the pool. There was a particularly perfectly placed log that a person could sit on, their legs dangling as they enjoyed the scene while taking a sip of water or eating a snack.

This experience was the brainchild for my goal of 10 hikes this summer. I don't want to leave Oregon without knowing it. I know my area well enough, but I want to see and know more. So off we go. Right now we will be doing 5:10 tomorrow and we only have a month of summer left. It has got me in a tizzy. My heart hurts and my stomach twists up and does knots. It's so pitiful. I can never fit enough summer into our usual one good month of summer. August. And I get so anxious about how to fill my time and how to use it wisely that it just makes me unravel and I end up taking an afternoon wallowing and sleeping. Which is an utter waste of time but it was so overwhelming to find the perfect way to spend that time that I throw it away on purpose. As if that makes it better. To have control.

Five Minutes of Perfect Playing

More about the counseling. 

In order to practice my PRIDE skills - sounds like team spirit, Middle School type stuff, I have to practice 5 minutes a day with C. 5 minutes of practicing absolutely perfect playing. And it's actually kind of fun. I am not allowed to ask her why she did something or say anything with a questioning tone. I am not allowed to tell her no. And I am not allowed to tell her what to do. Sounds like anyone's perfect time, right?!?! It really is. 

I like how I can earn 'points' for praising, reflecting and doing the describing. I am really big into earning points. It just works for me. The first day of counseling it was just me going in to learn about how it all and the counselor and I role-played. Which was amazing. Because it really hit it home to me at how good it feels for someone to be paying so much attention to what you are doing to respond about how, "You have the blue figured girl in your hand." And, "I really like how you arranged the dolls in the doll house." And, my favorite. At the end of the role-playing she asks me, "Did you hear me do any reflecting?" And I say, "Sure." Because of course all of this is brand new to me and I really have no idea what she is asking me and I know that yes is always a better response than a no. She looks at me all like, Nope, wrong answer. And I back-track real quick and I say, "No?" She nodded in approval and says, "You never said anything. The whole time. I had nothing to reflect because you never said anything." I knew I was quiet, but for real! Even when I am pretend playing, I still don't say much! She clued me in that if C was ever quiet like that, like in my dreams!, that you can always reflect sounds and that counts just as well. I will never have to worry about that with this one. But it was good to know. Pretty sure I didn't make any sounds, either. I would be a hard one to work with to get all the points for reflecting.

I took home a homework sheet and started my 5 minutes of perfect playing with C right away. It was too easy. She flourishes, absolutely thrives, on one-on-one attention. Which I knew. After three days of comfortable playing and me looking at my sheet of skills every second that I wasn't commenting on her, I had it down enough to introduce a little controversy. I let Talmage play with us. You do what you gotta do. I had to practice some more skills, like the shaping behavior by ignoring or re-directing. She knocked Talmage's tower over within 10 seconds of us playing. I turned my body away and started playing with legos. When she was done, I returned and let her know how much I liked it that she was letting Talmage make his own tower.

Another epic thing happened. That was the hardest we encountered, so I thought, 'What the heck. I'll have Alaska play with us, too." And that was interesting. While I was describing what Alaska was doing, C realizes that I am not paying 100% attention to her and she says, "Jessica, say, "I have a blue peg." That girl! She's quick. It made me laugh-out-loud in surprise. But not surprise. That attention thing. It's her biggest.

Parent Child Interactive Therapy

Counseling. It's finally happening. I feel so dumb that I didn't sign up for this stuff beforehand. But when C had her mental health exam she was your normal, rattled from being relocated, 4 year-old. I had no idea what kind of trauma I was going to be dealing with and thought her difficult behavior would simmer down after some attention (read: LOADS of attention). Not so much. Also - hello - I had no idea what kind of counseling there was out there for children and instead of asking, I just assumed there was play therapy and 'talk about your feelings' type of therapy. Wrong-o. Could have used someone watching out for me a little more on that one. Huge learning curve over here.

You know the whole story, you've been here since the beginning. We've been through a lot. And what I haven't told you is that as of late, she has started peeing herself. For attention. Girl's got problems. Steven wigs out big about pee. Pee in the bathtub, pee missing the toilet, pee anywhere is a huge-o deal. With all this pumping C full of water to counter her medication forming kidney stones, you can bet she's got to go to the bathroom a lot. Which can be a hassle when you're doing fun stuff. So she peed at Steven's parents' house. In the car. When she was waiting to be buckled in to go home. Threw him up in arms because it's disgusting and it's embarrassing. Well, with such an awesome reaction - she did it again. We did a week of peeing in our pants. I was so fed up with it the second day that I had good intentions of getting her some cute underwear and doing some potty training 101 with her, complete with sticker chart, when Steven intervened and saw how much it was twisting my world and decided for me, "We're putting her in pull-ups." And so we did. For two weeks she wore pulls up and for a week she pretty consistently peed in them. I stopped making any kind of attention about it and it stopped. We're talking, "oh, you peed yourself at 8:30 p.m. instead of getting up to go to the bathroom? Go ahead and change. No, you don't get a shower." That's how extreme it got before she stopped. We've been a week dry in underwear and she's only missed the toilet once. She was so close to almost there, and just missed. I wigged out when I saw it, Steven reminded me to bring myself down, and I calmly told her to get a rag to clean it up. Nothing more. She said sorry without being prompted. That was a big deal. The sorry. Hugs and lots of thank yous all the way around. She ate it up and I hoped that wasn't going to encourage more missing.

All that tangent for my 5 minutes of perfect parenting. Back to the counseling.

So, I am doing these Pride Skills.

P - Praise. Self-explanatory. "Nice job stacking those blocks!"
R - Reflect. I say what she says, back to her. In the same way or re-directed. Doesn't matter.
I - Imitate. Doesn't count towards mastery. It's kind of like extra credit type stuff. I play along beside her. She stacks blocks, I stack blocks.
D - Describe. I say what she is doing.
E - Enjoy. Another extra credit type thing - but basically, slap a smile on your face.

Mastery is using 10 praises, 10 reflections and 10 descriptions in 5 minutes. Using 3 or less commands, questions or sarcasm.

It takes people 8 weeks to get this stuff down. The first week I came really close. But my questions were exponentially high. And I realized that Kenzie uses a lot of questions when she plays and I was repeating those. Which I thought was reflecting. But it didn't count as reflecting. It counted as questioning, which is counted against you. That made me frustrated.

I had high hopes for passing the second week, but alas, I wasn't getting all of my descriptions because I was saying things like, "Thomas the train is on the track," rather than, "You put Thomas the train on the track." You have to always give credit back to the child. Build up their confidence. It was disappointing to say the least. And I cried. Not just over that, but, still. The frustration of the whole thing. They call these pride skills phase 1 and then phase 2 is more about sculpting behavior. What I actually need help with. I am dying, and I told the counselor that. I feel so OUT of control. I feel controlled by this child! The counselor thought I was crazy thinking I could pass in the second week of doing this and had a hard time understanding how upset I was about failing such a high expectation. I think she underestimated me on how much I desperately need to get on to this phase 2. She realized her mistake and gave me some counsel for the things that are really buggering me as of late. Some phase 2 type of things that I felt dumb for not knowing/thinking of before, but whatever.

When a three year-old says, "Why" a million times it often means, "Tell me more about that. I am really interested." When a four year-old says, "Why" when you ask her to do something - it means something totally different. Actually, I don't know what it means. But what you do is not engage. You ignore the "Why?". You count 5 seconds in your head and repeat your request. Wait another 5 seconds. After those 10 seconds you say, "I need you to ______ or you will have a time out." And that is when you get results, positive or negative.

Another trick she gave me was the modeling of positive, calm behavior. When C freaks out about her tower of blocks falling over, I can say, "When I am upset I take three big breaths and it helps me calm down." I used this one 4 times today, not all the time about blocks, and by the end of the night at story time, Talmage took C's spot. I didn't even realize how upset she was until I hear these big, deep, raggedy breaths beside me. And there she was, fuming, and breathing. I was so proud of her!  I acknowledged and gave her a big hug. Talmage would not have had opportunity to take her spot if she had been in her spot where she needed to be so I left that up for a learning experience.

Also, for getting a child out of a fit, is to distract them by commenting on things around the room. I tried that one once and it didn't seem to help, but whatevs, I tried. The important thing about all of this is that you comment on the positive behavior when it appears. Always following through and saying things like, "I like how calm you made yourself" are big deals in making this work.

And the last one, ignoring. You demand she pay attention by pulling a, "We can't leave the house until________" or, "You can't get a snack until________." I don't know if I like this one because it makes everyone have a hold up. But I will try anything at this point. Even today, C had on sandals with buckles that are a huge pain to get off and on. For dance I make them wear flip flops so they can change super quick. I asked her three times to take them off and if I were a good parent I would have told her we weren't going anywhere until they were off. But I am just a parent in a hurry all the time and I told her to grab her flip flops and she would need to change her shoes in the car. Which she did. And I could probably have taken a breath when we got there and given her the ultimatum to get them off before we go inside if it had come to that. So I could have redeemed myself. Just had to talk that one out for a sec. I am a good parent, after all!

It May not be the Only Time

It happened today. I didn't take anything for the kids to do in sacrament meeting. Alaska and C were absolutely content to be near Steven and I and Talmage fell asleep without so much commotion going on around him.

Sometimes it takes hitting a hard edge to break free of what we so often hold close. This morning Alaska was begging for a snack before we left for church. I was putting finishing touches on a lesson and told her to get herself something. A granola bar later she still needed more and in my distracted state I said, "Whatever you can find. No cereal." 6 mini bags of cookies later - after everyone has helped themselves to what they wanted and opened a couple of bags they didn't want - I panicked as I was going to the printer and bursted with, "No snacks today during church!"

And you know what? I was ready 10 minutes earlier than usual because I was actually ready on time and didn't need to be rushing around last minute pouring cheerios into serving size baggies or hunting down the last of the granola bars or fruit snacks, knowing that if I have two I had better have three. And wasn't there one floating freely around here yesterday?

Also - our young women's program is going electronic free. That means leather-bound scriptures for us all, and an extra 7 pounds into my church bag. It's going to take some extra muscle to stick this one out. But it inspired another change. No more stuff to be hauling around for the kids to do during sacrament. I just couldn't handle hauling two heavy bags around like a donkey going down the grand canyon trail. And if we take coats to church - it's a whole parade. I never leave our coats in the foyer because I always forget them. It will be pouring buckets on our way to church and then church lets out and no more rain and we forget the jackets and then we have no jackets for the next couple days until I can get back for them during a night the church is open for mutual. It's a bigger headache to get them remembered than to carry them around for three hours. But those 3 hours are no picnic, either.

Talmage has a hard time in sacrament meeting as it is. And not because there isn't enough stuff to do. Having people all around and close is stimulation overload for him. I gave up bringing stuff to keep him occupied with because he would consistently and forever throw whatever I gave him. 

Little finger puppets, thrown. Match box cars, thrown. Binkies, thrown. Milk cup, thrown. Anything. Thrown. And it's not like he'll look at it for 5 minutes and then throw it. It's like you give it to him and it gets chucked up to the people in front of us. He very often gets taken out after the Sacrament and you know what he does? Steven holds him on his lap and he falls asleep. No wiggling, screaming or crying. Just sits still and falls asleep. Why he can't do it in sacrament meeting, I will never know. But today he did it, and it was wonderful. Alaska leaned over to me after noticing and said, "Talmage is thinking about Jesus" and nodded to him with his eyes closed. Steven will often close his eyes during the sacrament and that is what I tell Alaska is going on. 

The girls traded sitting on my lap with sitting beside me and were content to be still and be close. We will be trying this again.

A little boy in front of us had his mom's phone and was playing games - which can open a whole new bone that I can pick raw - and the girls were watching him too intently. I got out two pens and a notebook and they drew for the last 15 minutes. But that's nothing special I packed, that just happened to be in there and it came in handy.

Sometimes it's a thank goodness for a flip-out and being asked to do something new and hard. Our girls will learn young that sacrament meeting is for them, despite their young age.

Never Give Up

I was asked to give a talk in Sacrament meeting, on mother's day, with the topic of "never give up"

"Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are," said Geoffrey R. Holland in October's General Conference of 2015.

I believe, that to truly find peace, one must have the truest of true conviction of what one is doing.

When our family started looking into doing foster care we had a blissful notion that we would make a difference in a child's life and it felt right for us. As I have been confronted with tantrums, defiance and a lot of re-teaching I started to lose heart. This wasn't what we had put in for. Not what we expected, and yet at the same time, it wasn't unexpected. Just the way it was. As we gathered ourselves up to re-group and re-consider the situation I realized I needed some more parenting skills. This wasn't going to be a fairy tale without some hard work put into it. I checked books out at the library, I looked at books in book stores, I searched blogs and I sat down with Bro. Barnes to do a parenting webinar. My conviction grew stronger as I realized not only was I changing a child's life for the better, but I was changing my life for the better as well by researching skills that would help me raise independent, respectful and most of all, kind and considerate children. This conviction has buoyed me through some hard things, and hard things yet to come. But I know that this opportunity is not only about taking in a child, but also an opportunity to make myself and my family more understanding, kind, and structured.

Mary F. Foulger said in General Conference of 1980, "My dear sisters, I believe that you, like our priesthood brethren, have been “called and prepared from the foundation of the world according to the foreknowledge of God, on account of … exceeding faith and good works, … having chosen good.” Therefore you are “called with a holy calling.” (Alma 13:3.)

We stand in awe at Mary’s assignment to be the mother of the Lord, but we, too, have been called to mother gods. Latter-day Saint women understand that the very purpose of creation depends upon our participation as earthly mothers to the spirit children of God. As it is his work and his glory to bring his children unto eternal life, it is also our work and our glory as mothers. That it is work, no mother will deny. That it is glory, our Father’s greatest promises concern themselves with joy in posterity. “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work” (D&C 64:33). Indeed, there is none greater."

If we, as women, can have the conviction that comes with the knowledge that we have a divine calling to mother those around us I feel that we will have the courage to press on. Whether we have babies of our own or not. Whether we interact daily with teens or adults, we have a calling that has been set apart just for us as women to be an example to those around us.

We have to remember the things that we do today have lasting effects and we can use that power for good or for evil. Nothing is more powerful than having a child tell you something they have learned or noticed when you weren't even intentionally teaching. 

There are others around us who notice what we do and how we act and we can be an example of something to strive for or we can be a warning. Some of my best learning moments have come from watching women I admire interact with others. As I aspire to fulfill my potential I consciously take the traits I notice from others and practice them. I have a habit to not want to take up too much time or make too much of a big deal of something and I feel as if I am always in a hurry to get somewhere. The women I admire the most take time to make connections and don't let the hustle of life push them along too fast. They take time to reach out to others and don't worry too much about what is happening around them.

I have been reading a lot of pioneer stories as of late and have started a book composed of women's diaries of the westward journey. In the preface it notes, "Though women were often drawn into performing tasks far removed from their usual domestic duties, in the end they clung almost possessively to their traditional roles. More than that, they created and maintained the networks of support  that they had known in their more traditional and stationary homes."

As women, we don't need to feel bad for keeping traditions despite their inconvenience and we don't need to apologize for being soft and nurturing. My grandma has taught me a lot about traditions and their importance. They are important to her and because they are important to her, they have become important to me and when I carry on with a tradition despite every reason not to, I feel as if I am honoring her. The thing about traditions is that they are rarely convenient and I have come to embrace that. There is honor in making the unworkable, work. 

We have a mother's day tradition of going to mother's day tea at my grandma's work. She is the activities director for a retirement home, I know, ironic, right? Alaska and I dress up fancy and spend the afternoon listening to a quartet, eating mini cucumber sandwiches, cream puffs and chocolate cake and listening to sentiments of mothers. This year it was a race to make it happen. I got a call that morning that an appointment in Portland that we needed to make was available due to an earlier cancellation and our next open spot wouldn't be until October. The available time would be crunchy and tight and I couldn't do it by myself. Thank goodness I have two wonderful moms in my life. One took Talmage so I could take the girls to the appointment and another came to Portland to pick up Kenzie for her visitation with her dad while I hurried on with Alaska to Tigard. Despite all reasons to go in street clothes, Alaska and I changed into our tea party dresses in the car while we were waiting for my mom to meet up with us. We were only 15 minutes late and the little old ladies gushed over Alaska and her outfit that had been mine when I was little. It was a tradition that we had to keep. And it took more than just me to make it happen.

Sometimes, on my quest to bettering myself I have opportunity to repent and use the atonement of Jesus Christ. Too often, with so much hard work, there comes a great deal of stress. When I am teaching kindness and the right way to get someone's attention I sometimes do not teach by example and I am left with no words as children go crying to their rooms. I know they need their time to cool off, even if I am instantly sorry and know my wrong. Moments like these are opportunities to pray and take advantage of the atonement and the relationship I have with my Savior. 

Elder John A. Widtsoe said in 1954: “Motherhood may be exercised as universally and vicariously as Priesthood”

Many of us interact with children or teens. Not always our own and not always children under 18. It is our right and privilege to exercise motherhood. To let our arms and words be an extension of the Savior's in providing love and security for all his children.

When we can't believe in ourselves, we can believe in God. He is the variable in every equation that can make the solution 100%, fulfilled and whole. If we only have the patience to last until 6:00 pm, He has the factor to make it to an 8:00 bedtime and an 8:15 drink of water and last hug. If we let Him. 

Sister Foulger continues, "God has called Latter-day Saint women to prepare his children for the challenges of the last days. In order to fulfill this calling, we must be both learners and teachers of eternal truths. We must study the scriptures that we might arm our children with knowledge of Jesus Christ and his gospel. We must guard our homes against any intrusion of evil. We must seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit. We must make our homes holy places in which to stand. Sisters, we must faithfully fulfill here the sacred trust we willingly accepted there."

There are a million and one ways to measure success in motherhood, and just as many ways to compare and determine that there is no success. We are doing better than we think we are. We can find peace in our convictions of doing what is right for us and not measuring ourselves against others. Believing in the power of God and allowing grace to fill in the parts we stumble with allows us to fill our potential and strive to be better. 

I know Heavenly Father loves me and knows me. I know that He has bigger plans for me than I can imagine and that the hard things that I am doing now are preparing me to fulfill my potential and be the best that I know how to be.