I counseling with C every week. Since last May. Not always for her. For me. I mean, she comes all the time and she does her bit and then the last 10 minutes the counselor checks in with me and we discuss the hard parts of the last week and things like that. If I miss a week, I feel it. I have less tolerance, less patience and a lot of just built up, "What the heck are you thinking?!"
A couple weeks ago the counselor says to me, "Do you think sound could be a trigger for her?" Despite her being loud herself, I watched and listened carefully.
And yup. There it was. The kids playing in the bedroom. The kids playing in the living room. Setting the table for dinner. Getting in the car. Getting out of the car.
"C. Stop. C stop! Stop it!!!!!!" And this repeated itself quite a few times that day, different location, same players, same lines. And the next day. And well, there's our pattern.
So I guess this is the part where foster care becomes a family thing. The part where your very own children learn compassion, empathy and skills that will be with them forever. When your children are no longer bystanders in the evolution of managing difficult behavior but are right there, understanding and changing it.
At dinner that night we talked about triggers. What they are. What they make people's bodies and actions do. What causes them.
How not listening the first time triggers yelling.
How yelling triggers hurt feelings.
And then we talked about using all of our words that we have. Like instead of saying, "stop it" how it's important to say, "stop bumping me." And even more important, after talking to the counselor again, to say it in the positive. "Please step away."
I won't say things are perfect and changed over this past week. But we're going the right way. And it's exhausting. Keeping up with it all and being sick. I am worn out.
Also, on a very personal level, it hurts. It hurts seeing your own mild child escalating into an unnatural volume. C is overwhelming on many different levels and I guess I should give more credit where it is due to Alaska for being a friend. For seeing the good over the hard. I know if they were in the same kindergarten class, Alaska would navigate herself away from C and find someone quieter. A classmate not constantly in her personal space. Bless her heart. It just makes me all the more grateful to her. But also grateful for C. That we can have this learning experience in our very own home so that when Alaska does go to kindergarten next year and has to sit next to the wiggliest boy to separate him from his friends, she'll know what to do. She'll know to use all of her words and hopefully something else. A calm, "look at my eyes." So she knows she has the attention she needs to make her wishes known and not have to repeat it three times and yell and make a ruckus. And maybe C will learn to listen the first time. At least when focused enough to be looking at a peer's eyes.
Saturday, February 4, 2017
The Nausea
This whole pregnancy has been a nightmare. I have been throwing up multiple times a day and having the absolute worse nausea since a couple weeks before Thanksgiving and on into the very, very last part of January. I haven't even been able to get excited about a new baby. I have just been puking my guts out and keeping on the down low to try and keep things down.
We have been eating loads and loads of cereal and a lot of apples. I loathe every time I have to feed the kids. The last thing I can remember that I made from ingredients was the artichoke cheese dip I took to my mom's house for Thanksgiving. I did a few of those, 'grab the pre-chopped vegetables and the pre-cooked chicken from Safeway' and then just haven't. I was too sick. The smell lingering in the house after making a meal was too much. So I bought McDonalds once a week and made the kids eat in the car because I couldn't stand the smell in the house and refused to get them chicken nuggets because that smelled the worst of all. I had a couple meals brought in by some ladies in the ward but those always make me leary.
It was bad enough during Christmas break that I spent the second week of Christmas break up at my parents and let them take care of me. And then we had snow days, which kept school closed, and we were able to spend more time there. And I was honestly wondering if I would need to pull the girls out of school because it nauseated me to get their clothes out and get hair done and breakfast done. It was horrible. A nightmare. Which has me declaring 'this is the last one!' Our last baby that I will give birth to. I will not be this sick again. I cannot. We won't live close to family where I can go when it's just too much. And Alaska and Talmage and this new baby will have more than just measly preschool going on.
I have been mad. Screaming in the bathroom after puking and spitting with vengeance. Not even mad AT anything. Just plain old mad at being sick. At throwing up. I was sad. Crying and crying because I was 'such a poor thing' - and now that the worst is over. I just feel blah. As if being sick for the past 3 months has taken all my enjoyment of life and now all I can do is just be irritated. I am looking forward to Valentine's Day and have high hopes to put all my energy into what I missed at Christmas.
Which - Christmas. I did not do any shopping after Black Friday. I didn't have the stomach nor the heart for it. So thank goodness I had gotten the 'important' things before that. A toy drill for Talmage and a Rapunzel dress for Alaska. And then, come to find out the day before Christmas that she doesn't want a Rapunzel dress, she wants an Ariel dress. That gave me the stress and I had to call my mom to help me out in finding one while she was out doing some shopping because there was no way I was making it out of the house and I didn't have time to order on Amazon.
Steven manned Christmas presents for everyone that we had pulled names for, for my family, and he manned gifts for his parents. It was pretty big of him. I couldn't even make decisions and tell him what to get. He had to do it all on his own. I could not think. I was an absolute puking vegetable.
And that about brings us to now. The first week of February and I no longer have to take the b-6 vitamin with the sleeping aide at night. I was waking up multiple times in the middle of the night with nausea.
"Oh, you just need to keep yourself fed" was the common condolence. Right. Which is fine until you really, honestly are trying to eat every two hours to keep your stomach from churning. And you know what. It's hard. The morning I was always the most successful but by 2 o'clock in the afternoon, I was so sick of eating, I would rather be sick than eat more food. And my body had to stop eating sometime in the evening, so I would always, always throw up around 8 after a dinner at 6. Because if I didn't tell my body that there was no more food coming at 8, I would need to tell it at 9. It was just always the way to end the night. Puking up whatever I last ate.
We have been eating loads and loads of cereal and a lot of apples. I loathe every time I have to feed the kids. The last thing I can remember that I made from ingredients was the artichoke cheese dip I took to my mom's house for Thanksgiving. I did a few of those, 'grab the pre-chopped vegetables and the pre-cooked chicken from Safeway' and then just haven't. I was too sick. The smell lingering in the house after making a meal was too much. So I bought McDonalds once a week and made the kids eat in the car because I couldn't stand the smell in the house and refused to get them chicken nuggets because that smelled the worst of all. I had a couple meals brought in by some ladies in the ward but those always make me leary.
It was bad enough during Christmas break that I spent the second week of Christmas break up at my parents and let them take care of me. And then we had snow days, which kept school closed, and we were able to spend more time there. And I was honestly wondering if I would need to pull the girls out of school because it nauseated me to get their clothes out and get hair done and breakfast done. It was horrible. A nightmare. Which has me declaring 'this is the last one!' Our last baby that I will give birth to. I will not be this sick again. I cannot. We won't live close to family where I can go when it's just too much. And Alaska and Talmage and this new baby will have more than just measly preschool going on.
I have been mad. Screaming in the bathroom after puking and spitting with vengeance. Not even mad AT anything. Just plain old mad at being sick. At throwing up. I was sad. Crying and crying because I was 'such a poor thing' - and now that the worst is over. I just feel blah. As if being sick for the past 3 months has taken all my enjoyment of life and now all I can do is just be irritated. I am looking forward to Valentine's Day and have high hopes to put all my energy into what I missed at Christmas.
Which - Christmas. I did not do any shopping after Black Friday. I didn't have the stomach nor the heart for it. So thank goodness I had gotten the 'important' things before that. A toy drill for Talmage and a Rapunzel dress for Alaska. And then, come to find out the day before Christmas that she doesn't want a Rapunzel dress, she wants an Ariel dress. That gave me the stress and I had to call my mom to help me out in finding one while she was out doing some shopping because there was no way I was making it out of the house and I didn't have time to order on Amazon.
Steven manned Christmas presents for everyone that we had pulled names for, for my family, and he manned gifts for his parents. It was pretty big of him. I couldn't even make decisions and tell him what to get. He had to do it all on his own. I could not think. I was an absolute puking vegetable.
And that about brings us to now. The first week of February and I no longer have to take the b-6 vitamin with the sleeping aide at night. I was waking up multiple times in the middle of the night with nausea.
"Oh, you just need to keep yourself fed" was the common condolence. Right. Which is fine until you really, honestly are trying to eat every two hours to keep your stomach from churning. And you know what. It's hard. The morning I was always the most successful but by 2 o'clock in the afternoon, I was so sick of eating, I would rather be sick than eat more food. And my body had to stop eating sometime in the evening, so I would always, always throw up around 8 after a dinner at 6. Because if I didn't tell my body that there was no more food coming at 8, I would need to tell it at 9. It was just always the way to end the night. Puking up whatever I last ate.
Friday, February 3, 2017
And Then There Was A Hot Mess
I decided to go with the midwife at Emanuel. The hospital that is much, much easier to get to and the appointments that are here in town. So long trips to DQ on the way home from doctor appointments. I hope I can survive without you.
This one. This first one. I have never been a hotter mess than I can remember. Except maybe one other time this week when I walked C to school in pajama pants, two day-old mom bun and wearing Steven's coat because I couldn't find mine. Stringing three kids along behind me. Talk about walking mess. Pregnancy hot mess. It's a real thing.
My appointment was at 10:40. I finally got called back to the room at 11:10. 5 minutes short of half an hour. Half my appointment time - done and gone. At 11:30 I started to panic. I had to get C from school at noon and the midwife wasn't even in there yet. And I had stuff to get done. A physical, a pap smear, some small medical history, hear the baby's heart beat and a pee test. The midwife walks in at 11:35 and I flat out tell her I am in a panic because I need to do a pick-up at noon and she's got 5 minutes before I predicted this appointment being over. She did a great job at just being like, "We'll get what we can done and if we don't get it all in, we can do some more next appointment." Which, of course, isn't an option for me. I get in and I get things done. So we get started right in and she promises to have me out of there at 11:50.
Which totally would have been realistic, after all, if things were to go smoothly. But of course, there would be no blog post and no mortifying story if that were the case. So we begin.
Medical history stuff first. I swear I have filled this information out at least 3x in the past month. But what-evs.
Physical. The midwife is not used to the room and opens all the drawers and cupboards looking for a sheet. She pulls out a little napkin used for setting tools on or whatever and comments, "Oh, that will not do. That won't cover anything up." And has to go out for a sheet. When she gets back she's all like, "Hop on down. I'll hold this up for you to take your bottoms off" And bam, done. That part was really nice. Instead of having her leave the room while I undress all the way and then have to wait for her to come back while I sit shivering in a paper gown. Everything goes fine. We talk a little about breastfeeding while she does all the feeling and touching and our conversation ends with, "Well, hopefully third time is the charm for breast feeding. You've got great breasts." I think I would have been horrified to hear that two babies ago. But now I am all like, "Dang straight, I do!" and smile at the nice compliment that to me sounds as natural as, "You have nice eyes."
Heart Beat. She feels up my stomach, trying to get a gauge for where the baby is. Gets the jelly out and her doppler and starts listening around. And listening. And listening. And listening. And then, "Did they find the heartbeat last time?" Which would have totally freaked me out. And probably would have, except that my stomach has grown by leaps and bounds and there's no way all that is fluid. Plus, I would never admit it, but I think I have felt little kicks. But they were awhile ago and they aren't consistent. Mostly I was freaked out about the time this was taking and hoping it wasn't 12 already. She finally found the heart beat, did a quick count and confirmed everything was just fine. She was probably more relieved than I was.
Pap smear. This was very quick, painless and she probably talked too much for what I would have preferred, but it was fine. And then she's all like, "And how about your kagels? Can you flex those for me?" And then we spent what felt like 5 minutes trying to engage those and I really have no idea what the heck I was doing - but not doing it right and we gave up with a reassuring, "I bet you're really good at pushing. You're using those muscles and they are strong."
And then the pee test. At this point I am so stressed about the time. I have been poked and prodded in all the places. She gives me the cup and the instructions and I sit on the toilet for like 5 minutes. Nothin'. Absolutely nothing. So I get up and wash my hands. Dab my face with cool water. Leave the water running. I am in a such a fluster that I drop the cup in the toilet. I scoop it up real quick and dry it off with a paper towel. There was no way I was spending more time finding someone to get me a new cup and waiting for them to print my sticker name out again and all that. Dried it out and got a cm of pee into it.
The nurse was outside the door with my papers and I told her about my limited pee and she was so nice and just smiled and said, "Well, we'll do what we can." I think she thought I was exaggerating at how much was in there. And off I went. Running out the door at 12:05 after all those added little time-suckers and my pee incident.
One of the foster moms that we are sharing this sibling unit with was picking up one of her other girls from head start and called asking if she could help by bringing C home. I had to quick-explain that I was at an appointment just a few minutes from her house and if she just took C to her house, I would meet her there. Thank goodness for friends who watch out for each other!
This one. This first one. I have never been a hotter mess than I can remember. Except maybe one other time this week when I walked C to school in pajama pants, two day-old mom bun and wearing Steven's coat because I couldn't find mine. Stringing three kids along behind me. Talk about walking mess. Pregnancy hot mess. It's a real thing.
My appointment was at 10:40. I finally got called back to the room at 11:10. 5 minutes short of half an hour. Half my appointment time - done and gone. At 11:30 I started to panic. I had to get C from school at noon and the midwife wasn't even in there yet. And I had stuff to get done. A physical, a pap smear, some small medical history, hear the baby's heart beat and a pee test. The midwife walks in at 11:35 and I flat out tell her I am in a panic because I need to do a pick-up at noon and she's got 5 minutes before I predicted this appointment being over. She did a great job at just being like, "We'll get what we can done and if we don't get it all in, we can do some more next appointment." Which, of course, isn't an option for me. I get in and I get things done. So we get started right in and she promises to have me out of there at 11:50.
Which totally would have been realistic, after all, if things were to go smoothly. But of course, there would be no blog post and no mortifying story if that were the case. So we begin.
Medical history stuff first. I swear I have filled this information out at least 3x in the past month. But what-evs.
Physical. The midwife is not used to the room and opens all the drawers and cupboards looking for a sheet. She pulls out a little napkin used for setting tools on or whatever and comments, "Oh, that will not do. That won't cover anything up." And has to go out for a sheet. When she gets back she's all like, "Hop on down. I'll hold this up for you to take your bottoms off" And bam, done. That part was really nice. Instead of having her leave the room while I undress all the way and then have to wait for her to come back while I sit shivering in a paper gown. Everything goes fine. We talk a little about breastfeeding while she does all the feeling and touching and our conversation ends with, "Well, hopefully third time is the charm for breast feeding. You've got great breasts." I think I would have been horrified to hear that two babies ago. But now I am all like, "Dang straight, I do!" and smile at the nice compliment that to me sounds as natural as, "You have nice eyes."
Heart Beat. She feels up my stomach, trying to get a gauge for where the baby is. Gets the jelly out and her doppler and starts listening around. And listening. And listening. And listening. And then, "Did they find the heartbeat last time?" Which would have totally freaked me out. And probably would have, except that my stomach has grown by leaps and bounds and there's no way all that is fluid. Plus, I would never admit it, but I think I have felt little kicks. But they were awhile ago and they aren't consistent. Mostly I was freaked out about the time this was taking and hoping it wasn't 12 already. She finally found the heart beat, did a quick count and confirmed everything was just fine. She was probably more relieved than I was.
Pap smear. This was very quick, painless and she probably talked too much for what I would have preferred, but it was fine. And then she's all like, "And how about your kagels? Can you flex those for me?" And then we spent what felt like 5 minutes trying to engage those and I really have no idea what the heck I was doing - but not doing it right and we gave up with a reassuring, "I bet you're really good at pushing. You're using those muscles and they are strong."
And then the pee test. At this point I am so stressed about the time. I have been poked and prodded in all the places. She gives me the cup and the instructions and I sit on the toilet for like 5 minutes. Nothin'. Absolutely nothing. So I get up and wash my hands. Dab my face with cool water. Leave the water running. I am in a such a fluster that I drop the cup in the toilet. I scoop it up real quick and dry it off with a paper towel. There was no way I was spending more time finding someone to get me a new cup and waiting for them to print my sticker name out again and all that. Dried it out and got a cm of pee into it.
The nurse was outside the door with my papers and I told her about my limited pee and she was so nice and just smiled and said, "Well, we'll do what we can." I think she thought I was exaggerating at how much was in there. And off I went. Running out the door at 12:05 after all those added little time-suckers and my pee incident.
One of the foster moms that we are sharing this sibling unit with was picking up one of her other girls from head start and called asking if she could help by bringing C home. I had to quick-explain that I was at an appointment just a few minutes from her house and if she just took C to her house, I would meet her there. Thank goodness for friends who watch out for each other!
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Alaska age 5
Alaska's birthday. The Punky has turned 5. I can't imagine it. One, little, young me having a 5 year-old and two, hello! She's 5! Kindergarten! And new friends that I won't know their moms. And bigger clothes and opinions. It's hard to imagine - which I suppose is why you get older one day at a time rather than any other way.
Her favorite color seems to change with whatever Disney princess is currently her favorite. Right now she loves Rapunzel and thinks purple is the bomb.
Favorite Foods: Ramen noodles, chocolate cake, blueberry muffins
Favorite thing to do: Dress-up
Best Friends: Ethan and Lilly and Allen and Rowen
Song: Let it Go and Shake it Off
I am good at: Dancing to Elsa (let it go)
Love to do with Dad: Crawl on him. But he usually doesn't let me do that. So I like to spend time with him.
Love to do with Mom: Like to spend time with me snuggling.
Love to do with Talmage: Love to play pegs with him.
Love to do with C: Playing house with her.
She has wanted a Princess Sofia birthday party since the day after her last birthday party of Elsa and Anna. Not exactly sure why - it's a mystery. But we did Princess Sofia this year and it was a success due to Grammer's (Tamera) excellent experiment with fondant the cake looked like a pinterest masterpiece. Because I am still not feeling well, like, at all, we did the party at Sunshine pizza and invited all the family. As we were turning into the pizza place I thought maybe we should get balloons, but as soon as I climbed out and dry-heaved I was just grateful that I could be there and it would have to be what it was. Thank goodness she's 'only' 5 and I can be sick and unglamorous and low key as humanly possible while still making it a special day for her. And thank goodness for my parents and Steven's parents for pulling through with awesome presents and cake to make it a party.
Her favorite color seems to change with whatever Disney princess is currently her favorite. Right now she loves Rapunzel and thinks purple is the bomb.
Favorite Foods: Ramen noodles, chocolate cake, blueberry muffins
Favorite thing to do: Dress-up
Best Friends: Ethan and Lilly and Allen and Rowen
Song: Let it Go and Shake it Off
I am good at: Dancing to Elsa (let it go)
Love to do with Dad: Crawl on him. But he usually doesn't let me do that. So I like to spend time with him.
Love to do with Mom: Like to spend time with me snuggling.
Love to do with Talmage: Love to play pegs with him.
Love to do with C: Playing house with her.
She has wanted a Princess Sofia birthday party since the day after her last birthday party of Elsa and Anna. Not exactly sure why - it's a mystery. But we did Princess Sofia this year and it was a success due to Grammer's (Tamera) excellent experiment with fondant the cake looked like a pinterest masterpiece. Because I am still not feeling well, like, at all, we did the party at Sunshine pizza and invited all the family. As we were turning into the pizza place I thought maybe we should get balloons, but as soon as I climbed out and dry-heaved I was just grateful that I could be there and it would have to be what it was. Thank goodness she's 'only' 5 and I can be sick and unglamorous and low key as humanly possible while still making it a special day for her. And thank goodness for my parents and Steven's parents for pulling through with awesome presents and cake to make it a party.
TPR
TPR = termination of parental rights. The most biggest, most horrible and imposing thing the government can do to a person besides the death-sentence. And it's what is next for our case.
I am really relieved. These kids have been in care for a year and their parents are still months from getting them back. They need a home to call their own and need to be together, if at all possible. The parents can still work at getting their rights back, but after tpr has been done, DHS can start looking for an adoptive family and then it's all a big race from there.
The paperwork from the children's program showed that no one person can handle all 4 of these kids. It's need to be a team of at least two. Which means that the kids would be split between mom and dad, back when we were still entertaining the idea of them going home. Two to mom and two to dad.
A month ago things were looking really good at returning home. But housing continues to be an issue. Not just because there is none, which is true, but because of mom's rental history and dad's personal history, both of them are having a really hard time of finding some place that will give them a break.
And then court happened. DHS suggested postponing pernamnency for another three months to give dad a chance to prove himself a fit parent. Why this hasn't been done since the beginning, I don't know. And is dumb. The law favors return to mother most of the time, especially our judge, so it was never double-checked, the amount of work the dad was putting into the case. The judge over-ruled that and said that tpr needed to be served by Jan 15th. That these kids are young and deserve some stability in their lives and that adoption needed to be a real step in their case. Thank goodness. Maybe now things will start moving along.
What they do first is serve the papers to the parents. The parents then have a right to a trial. This trial is done by jury and can sometimes last 3 days. It is usually really ugly and terrible - all of the parent's faults listed on and on for reason to give these kids a chance at a new family. It can go a couple of different ways. 1) the parents can fight until the bloody end and it gets nasty and there are lots of tears and words and the jury makes a decision. 2) the parents hold on for as along as they can, but it is such a brutal process that sometimes a trial that could have taken 3 days get shortened to 2 days because the parents get so depleted of hearing all their faults and sign their rights away. 3) the parents could have a head on their shoulders and know that if the case has come to this, they are basically already esteemed as not fit parents and they sign their rights away within the first day. 4) our county is so backed up right now with these kinds of cases that once the date has been set, it's usually 6 months out. The parents could come to their senses anywhere between those 6 months and say that they want to relinquish their rights without the trial.
Our parents that we are dealing with are very much 7th graders. Purely emotional and cannot foresee long-term consequences or plans and pay very little attention to detail. It's a wreck sometimes to try to communicate with them. So super frustrating. I am not counting on number three or four being us. Although it would be amazing.
Then DHS does an extensive genealogy search. Digging up relatives who would have no idea who these kids are and asking if they would like them. If that doesn't work, then they do 'recruitment' which is where they make up an advertisement and send it out to all the adoption sites and hope some innocent bystander will take all 4. You know, where words like, 'spontaneous' mean "never know what the child is going to do, very unpredictable" and words like 'high-spirited' mean something like bordering ADHD. I can't imagine a house with all 4. Just reading the report from the children's program and what all went on while the parents were supervised with the kids is a nightmare. No one failed - but it was chaotic just reading about it all. I can't imagine being there, with all the noise compounding as well.
Right now it seems like DHS would rather place all 4 kids together in a home that could handle that as opposed to splitting the kids, 2 and 2, even if that was between family.
I am really relieved. These kids have been in care for a year and their parents are still months from getting them back. They need a home to call their own and need to be together, if at all possible. The parents can still work at getting their rights back, but after tpr has been done, DHS can start looking for an adoptive family and then it's all a big race from there.
The paperwork from the children's program showed that no one person can handle all 4 of these kids. It's need to be a team of at least two. Which means that the kids would be split between mom and dad, back when we were still entertaining the idea of them going home. Two to mom and two to dad.
A month ago things were looking really good at returning home. But housing continues to be an issue. Not just because there is none, which is true, but because of mom's rental history and dad's personal history, both of them are having a really hard time of finding some place that will give them a break.
And then court happened. DHS suggested postponing pernamnency for another three months to give dad a chance to prove himself a fit parent. Why this hasn't been done since the beginning, I don't know. And is dumb. The law favors return to mother most of the time, especially our judge, so it was never double-checked, the amount of work the dad was putting into the case. The judge over-ruled that and said that tpr needed to be served by Jan 15th. That these kids are young and deserve some stability in their lives and that adoption needed to be a real step in their case. Thank goodness. Maybe now things will start moving along.
What they do first is serve the papers to the parents. The parents then have a right to a trial. This trial is done by jury and can sometimes last 3 days. It is usually really ugly and terrible - all of the parent's faults listed on and on for reason to give these kids a chance at a new family. It can go a couple of different ways. 1) the parents can fight until the bloody end and it gets nasty and there are lots of tears and words and the jury makes a decision. 2) the parents hold on for as along as they can, but it is such a brutal process that sometimes a trial that could have taken 3 days get shortened to 2 days because the parents get so depleted of hearing all their faults and sign their rights away. 3) the parents could have a head on their shoulders and know that if the case has come to this, they are basically already esteemed as not fit parents and they sign their rights away within the first day. 4) our county is so backed up right now with these kinds of cases that once the date has been set, it's usually 6 months out. The parents could come to their senses anywhere between those 6 months and say that they want to relinquish their rights without the trial.
Our parents that we are dealing with are very much 7th graders. Purely emotional and cannot foresee long-term consequences or plans and pay very little attention to detail. It's a wreck sometimes to try to communicate with them. So super frustrating. I am not counting on number three or four being us. Although it would be amazing.
Then DHS does an extensive genealogy search. Digging up relatives who would have no idea who these kids are and asking if they would like them. If that doesn't work, then they do 'recruitment' which is where they make up an advertisement and send it out to all the adoption sites and hope some innocent bystander will take all 4. You know, where words like, 'spontaneous' mean "never know what the child is going to do, very unpredictable" and words like 'high-spirited' mean something like bordering ADHD. I can't imagine a house with all 4. Just reading the report from the children's program and what all went on while the parents were supervised with the kids is a nightmare. No one failed - but it was chaotic just reading about it all. I can't imagine being there, with all the noise compounding as well.
Right now it seems like DHS would rather place all 4 kids together in a home that could handle that as opposed to splitting the kids, 2 and 2, even if that was between family.
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Big News!
Exciting news around here!
Pregnant! Another baby of our own! I am sicker than anything I remember - and I was super sick with Alaska. I wake up at night with nausea and can't get back to sleep. I was throwing up everything that I ate for a little while there. For the past two days I have been able to make it until 3! Wahoo for small steps. This is the worst part of it all. Steven thought I would be all worried about giving birth and that's the part that I would dread the most. But no, the part that I dread the most is the throwing up. I have decided this is the last time. And I am about 75% serious. I hate being sick. And if we keep doing this fostering thing, I am sure we will find someone to make our family complete at 4 kids. And if we don't, that's not so bad, either. Lots of people have three kids.
I haven't made an appointment yet. Doctor appointments are what I am the worst at. I am kind of thinking I want to do the midwife thing this time around. But actually, I want to deliver at Immanuel Hospital because it is the closest and most easy to get to hospital in Oregon to us and I will do whatever I have to do to make that possible.
All of C's appointments for her bladder/kidney stuff were at Immanuel and I have really gotten to know that place. After C had her surgery, I also got to know the food pretty well. And they have THE BEST croissant breakfast sandwiches. Amazing. I am sold. But they don't have the sugar cookies like OHSU does. Those people know their cookies. So I am in a quandary because those sugar cookies really pulled my days up while in the hospital. But the croissants! And the close driving and easy directions. I am searching out my options.
C's medical appointments have also been right here in town at the Legacy Clinic. I don't like the doctors as much as I do at the OHSU clinic in Scappoose, but I kind of feel like I just want something super close this time around. Even though Scappoose isn't that far (15 min). And I always got Dairy Queen ice cream on the way home. Which was a big bonus. I'd forgotten about that until just now. Maybe I just need to keep OHSU for the ice-cream trips and the sugar cookies after delivery.
Pregnant! Another baby of our own! I am sicker than anything I remember - and I was super sick with Alaska. I wake up at night with nausea and can't get back to sleep. I was throwing up everything that I ate for a little while there. For the past two days I have been able to make it until 3! Wahoo for small steps. This is the worst part of it all. Steven thought I would be all worried about giving birth and that's the part that I would dread the most. But no, the part that I dread the most is the throwing up. I have decided this is the last time. And I am about 75% serious. I hate being sick. And if we keep doing this fostering thing, I am sure we will find someone to make our family complete at 4 kids. And if we don't, that's not so bad, either. Lots of people have three kids.
I haven't made an appointment yet. Doctor appointments are what I am the worst at. I am kind of thinking I want to do the midwife thing this time around. But actually, I want to deliver at Immanuel Hospital because it is the closest and most easy to get to hospital in Oregon to us and I will do whatever I have to do to make that possible.
All of C's appointments for her bladder/kidney stuff were at Immanuel and I have really gotten to know that place. After C had her surgery, I also got to know the food pretty well. And they have THE BEST croissant breakfast sandwiches. Amazing. I am sold. But they don't have the sugar cookies like OHSU does. Those people know their cookies. So I am in a quandary because those sugar cookies really pulled my days up while in the hospital. But the croissants! And the close driving and easy directions. I am searching out my options.
C's medical appointments have also been right here in town at the Legacy Clinic. I don't like the doctors as much as I do at the OHSU clinic in Scappoose, but I kind of feel like I just want something super close this time around. Even though Scappoose isn't that far (15 min). And I always got Dairy Queen ice cream on the way home. Which was a big bonus. I'd forgotten about that until just now. Maybe I just need to keep OHSU for the ice-cream trips and the sugar cookies after delivery.
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Lots of Evaluations
A few weeks ago C went to the children's program. This is where the most challenging behaviors are looked at by a professional and then evaluated and given recommendations. C's sister did this when the kids first came into care and because she wasn't labeled as extremely difficult, DHS decided it wouldn't be beneficial to do the other kids.
Fast forward a year and all the foster parents are at their wits ends and the mom and dad aren't getting their stuff together and the more I want things to get taken care of and get settled so they can all go home, the more it looks like this case is just going to be pushed and pushed. AND right now our county has a judge that is very much 'give kids back to their bio families - most especially the moms' which has been sickening in a few very recent cases that I have heard of. A judge who goes against multiple agencies saying that the birth-mom is not a viable option and the judge sending kids back to bio-mom anyways.
But back to the kids. Basically, what finally pushed this all over the edge for the children's program was the CASA and how there needs to be more documentation on how high-needs these kids are. C was high-wired for 4 or 5 days after this evaluation. Obviously there is more below the surface than any of us thought. The following is an e-mail that I sent out to those involved in the case as an update.
That was a couple weeks ago. And then we got this other update from our counselor. We have transitioned out of the Parent Child Interactive Therapy and are into Child Parent Psychotherapy. I filled out a little mental health survey for C while her counselor observed her playing for an hour. And from what I can gather, C went nuts. Not having me there to help her regulate herself with expectations and she went off the handle. Her counselor came out of there looking a little bewildered about what just went down.
The counselor calculated the results for the two of us to go over last week and it was enlightening. Here's an update on that:
C's results from her last counseling session came in. It was a survey I filled out with mental health questions on it and her counselor calculated it all and we went over the results today. I don't remember what it was called. But what it showed was C is still being affected by the trauma she has gone through. Mostly in the areas of avoidance (not wanting to talk about her past) and arousal (being constantly busy/easily irritated/impulsive). The counselor said that often kids with arousal PTSD showing are often mislabeled as ADHD, which had me thinking about what the specialist at the children's program had noticed, as well. We will do the parent child psychotherapy and then will re-asess in three months time to see what progress has been made in those two areas.
Fast forward a year and all the foster parents are at their wits ends and the mom and dad aren't getting their stuff together and the more I want things to get taken care of and get settled so they can all go home, the more it looks like this case is just going to be pushed and pushed. AND right now our county has a judge that is very much 'give kids back to their bio families - most especially the moms' which has been sickening in a few very recent cases that I have heard of. A judge who goes against multiple agencies saying that the birth-mom is not a viable option and the judge sending kids back to bio-mom anyways.
But back to the kids. Basically, what finally pushed this all over the edge for the children's program was the CASA and how there needs to be more documentation on how high-needs these kids are. C was high-wired for 4 or 5 days after this evaluation. Obviously there is more below the surface than any of us thought. The following is an e-mail that I sent out to those involved in the case as an update.
The counselor/doctor/ therapist I really have no idea who he was. But he acknowledged, that yes, she takes a lot of time and energy as far as re-directing and being distracted goes. He spent about half a hour with C alone and had some games to play with her, but they were games with expectations attached and C caught on to that super fast. Casey saw her frustration level rise as it often does when she is asked to do something she doesn't want to do/takes longer than she thinks it should.
Her unawareness of 'personal space' is something he also got to see. He was typing at his computer while talking to her and a rock on the other side of the desk caught her eye. Even though he was in-between C and the rock, she went down, under his desk where he was typing and past his legs to pop up on the other side to retrieve and examine the rock. She could have gone around just as easily, but less directly.This was all relieving to hear. He was very empathetic.He then dropped the idea that she may have ADHD. Of course it wasn't something that he suggested labeling at this point in her development, but he thought it would be useful to have that label in the picture, to have it on the radar. Her ability to switch from one thing to the next and be everywhere at once was marveling to him. Compounded with her brightness. She has a lot of learning potential, he said, and could tell from the little time with her that she is perceptive and bright. Catching onto things quickly. Her energy and 'flightiness' is a lot to handle.During their time together he asked her to draw a picture of her family. C started out drawing 'mom' and he wasn't sure if that was me or Kathleen (it was Kathleen because she calls me Jessica, but he wouldn't have known that) but then she stopped, looked a little bewildered and changed her mind, making it into herself. She refused to go on and he thought it interesting that she put up such a block to that. He tried to ask her leading questions about her family and she pretty much shut down for him, wiggling her way into doing another activity. He didn't want to push her, but he definitely noticed that it was uncomfortable for her and found it interesting that she was not open to talking about any of it. With how wide open she had been previously and after, he was interested in this dynamic. Why it's so closed off. He didn't have anything to say about it, other than it was interesting.There were no recommendations or a list of 'things to do' from the 5 minute follow-up I had with him, which is where he told me about these experiences with C during their half hour together. I will be interested in seeing the whole prognosis. All four kids did an hour with mom and then lunch and then an hour with dad.
That was a couple weeks ago. And then we got this other update from our counselor. We have transitioned out of the Parent Child Interactive Therapy and are into Child Parent Psychotherapy. I filled out a little mental health survey for C while her counselor observed her playing for an hour. And from what I can gather, C went nuts. Not having me there to help her regulate herself with expectations and she went off the handle. Her counselor came out of there looking a little bewildered about what just went down.
The counselor calculated the results for the two of us to go over last week and it was enlightening. Here's an update on that:
C's results from her last counseling session came in. It was a survey I filled out with mental health questions on it and her counselor calculated it all and we went over the results today. I don't remember what it was called. But what it showed was C is still being affected by the trauma she has gone through. Mostly in the areas of avoidance (not wanting to talk about her past) and arousal (being constantly busy/easily irritated/impulsive). The counselor said that often kids with arousal PTSD showing are often mislabeled as ADHD, which had me thinking about what the specialist at the children's program had noticed, as well. We will do the parent child psychotherapy and then will re-asess in three months time to see what progress has been made in those two areas.
Something else we talked about was ways to keep C calm. To give her body and mind a break and to be sensitive to her needs for safety and connection. I am going to be working hard on these for the next while until they become second-nature. I get super stressed in the morning trying to get everyone out the door on time and stressed again at bed time, trying to get everyone in bed on time. These are my two areas of highest needs and I am working on myself, on staying calm during these times and giving the time needed to make success happen.
The specialist at the children's program did get me thinking, with the potential label of ADHD, I began brainstorming ways to get C calm at night. Understanding that her mind needs some extra un-winding time. We have a good, solid routine and if I add more to it, the routine will last more than I have patience for. We already do teeth, jammies, stories, prayers, 5 minutes with each kid talking about their day. This is enough to have Alaska calmed down and ready for bed. C is often up for another hour, which was never a huge deal in the past, but now that school is going on, it was beginning to freak me out. I picked up some children's melatonin at Walmart the other day and have been giving her the prescribed dosage every night. It has helped immensely! It used to take her a hour to fall asleep, just being awake, in bed, but now she is ready to fall asleep the same time Alaska is and that has cut down a lot of the bedtime drama, as well. It used to be, before, last week, that C would keep Alaska up by tossing and turning or singing to herself or whatever. There aren't as many bathroom or drink needs and evenings run much smoother as the melatonin kicks in and C is calm enough to not make a ruckus about herself but can focus on getting things done.
So - with all that backstory. The counselor had also mentioned looking at C's behavior through the trauma lense of needing connection and safety. I have been doing my best to make those happen. Reminding her a few times a day that she's safe, asking her about her heart beat. Things like when she is happy and calm her heart beat is slow and when she is upset her heart beat is fast. Noticing the difference and she has come to tell me a few times this week, "Jessica! My heart beat is slow! I am happy!" That has been a good change. For her to recognize that. And as far as trying to use more connection, I am bending over more, getting to her level, using more touch, and when she does something really good, I compliment her quick when she does it, but then bring it back up later in the day about how much I appreciated her doing whatever it was she did.
AND!!! It was payday today. These come just every once-in-awhile and I am quick to write them down because for every payday there is negative numbers coming from my patience bank by the hundreds. Like today when we went to pick up Alaska, we talked about having a quiet voice and whispering because there are kids at Alaska's school that are trying to sleep. We get in the door and BANG! Alaska! I MISSED YOU!!!! and it's loud enough that Alaska's teacher has to tell her to be quiet. And then there are other conversations that happened two more times that the teacher had to hush her for. It was embarrassing.
But, today being payday. We got pizza today for dinner. And there are those little 'tables' that they put in the middle of the slices. One for Alaska and one for C. Talmage took Alaska's and Alaska was having a bigger melt-down about it than she should have been. C gave Alaska her table! No prompting. Just saw how upset Alaska was and gave hers to her. And then a second thing tonight, C put all the toothbrushes back in the drawer. Not just her own, but Alaska and Talmage's, too. And the third thing... oh goodness, what was it? I don't even remember, but it was something to make my heart swell and it's that feeling that I can't forget. Something that was being a peace-maker again. Where she was extra-nice to Talmage, which is also a rare thing in itself since she is always competing for attention with him.
Maybe all this is going to pay off, after all. Thank goodness there are good, sweet moments.
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