You Grew a Little Too Fast

Let's be honest.  EVERYONE says, "They grow so fast.  Enjoy it while you can."  Yes.  While you are giving words of wisdom I will be smiling as Alaska screams bloody murder for want to stay up another hour. I will be taking kodak pictures in my mind as she insists upon attention when all I really want is two hours alone.  I will be loving every minute. Every. Minute.

Well, at first I did.  I was the mom who snuggled her baby all through her nap.  The one who admired her baby's long eyelashes and counted her tiny fingers and toes a dozen times a day.  The mom who practically memorized every inch of her baby's face and would spend a minute during diaper changing time just holding her baby's legs.  It's kind of incredible to think that those legs are what will carry this child through life and at the moment they were small enough to completely fit in my hand.  Such power. In my hand.  Such adventures.  In my hand.  Such potential, and it all fit in my hand.

And then Alaska grew a little.  And I thought she was done being tiny.  I thought I was done paying extra attention to every single detail of her little face.  she could sleep through the night on her own.  I could put her down for a nap and she would stay asleep.  She was such a big girl!  So independent.

And I let her go.  I stopped enjoying the moments we had together and started counting the minutes down to the second to when I could put her down and she was asleep enough to stay asleep.  I started doing things during her nap.  I had dinner ready for Handsome Husband when he got home and the house was always spotless.  I was rested and full of energy.

I looked down, and my baby that I had left at 3 months old was now 5.  It was incredible.  And she was still small.  She was still a baby.  And I knew right then that I needed to keep making the most of our time together.  No matter how old she was, whether 3 months, a year or 12, I needed to memorize her little face.  Her fingernails and her lips.  She won't be mine forever.

She will become a child and want to explore the world.  She will have brothers and another sister and my time will be divided.  She will become a teenager and her friends will become her world.  She will go to college and studying and working and playing will be her world.  She will get married and she'll be someone else's to care for.  She'll have her own baby girl and she will be her's.  I've only got a few years where Alaska is all mine.

So we've started snuggling again.  I watch her as she sleeps.  I count her fingers and toes and hold her hand. I look at her eyelashes closed soft on her cheek and I watch her little mouth smile when she is really truly asleep.  I am no fanatic, she's still gotta be on the floor to have her own learning time, but I am not going to forget this important lesson.  It doesn't matter how small they are, enjoy it.  The enjoying part never ends.  The needing to spend time never ends.