Big News!

Exciting news around here!

Pregnant! Another baby of our own! I am sicker than anything I remember - and I was super sick with Alaska. I wake up at night with nausea and can't get back to sleep. I was throwing up everything that I ate for a little while there. For the past two days I have been able to make it until 3! Wahoo for small steps. This is the worst part of it all. Steven thought I would be all worried about giving birth and that's the part that I would dread the most. But no, the part that I dread the most is the throwing up. I have decided this is the last time. And I am about 75% serious. I hate being sick. And if we keep doing this fostering thing, I am sure we will find someone to make our family complete at 4 kids. And if we don't, that's not so bad, either. Lots of people have three kids.

I haven't made an appointment yet. Doctor appointments are what I am the worst at. I am kind of thinking I want to do the midwife thing this time around. But actually, I want to deliver at Immanuel Hospital because it is the closest and most easy to get to hospital in Oregon to us and I will do whatever I have to do to make that possible.

All of C's appointments for her bladder/kidney stuff were at Immanuel and I have really gotten to know that place. After C had her surgery, I also got to know the food pretty well. And they have THE BEST croissant breakfast sandwiches. Amazing. I am sold. But they don't have the sugar cookies like OHSU does. Those people know their cookies. So I am in a quandary because those sugar cookies really pulled my days up while in the hospital. But the croissants! And the close driving and easy directions. I am searching out my options.

C's medical appointments have also been right here in town at the Legacy Clinic. I don't like the doctors as much as I do at the OHSU clinic in Scappoose, but I kind of feel like I just want something super close this time around. Even though Scappoose isn't that far (15 min). And I always got Dairy Queen ice cream on the way home. Which was a big bonus. I'd forgotten about that until just now. Maybe I just need to keep OHSU for the ice-cream trips and the sugar cookies after delivery.

Lots of Evaluations

A few weeks ago C went to the children's program. This is where the most challenging behaviors are looked at by a professional and then evaluated and given recommendations. C's sister did this when the kids first came into care and because she wasn't labeled as extremely difficult, DHS decided it wouldn't be beneficial to do the other kids.

Fast forward a year and all the foster parents are at their wits ends and the mom and dad aren't getting their stuff together and the more I want things to get taken care of and get settled so they can all go home, the more it looks like this case is just going to be pushed and pushed. AND right now our county has a judge that is very much 'give kids back to their bio families - most especially the moms' which has been sickening in a few very recent cases that I have heard of. A judge who goes against multiple agencies saying that the birth-mom is not a viable option and the judge sending kids back to bio-mom anyways.

But back to the kids. Basically, what finally pushed this all over the edge for the children's program was the CASA and how there needs to be more documentation on how high-needs these kids are. C was high-wired for 4 or 5 days after this evaluation. Obviously there is more below the surface than any of us thought. The following is an e-mail that I sent out to those involved in the case as an update.

The counselor/doctor/ therapist I really have no idea who he was. But he acknowledged, that yes, she takes a lot of time and energy as far as re-directing and being distracted goes. He spent about half a hour with C alone and had some games to play with her, but they were games with expectations attached and C caught on to that super fast. Casey saw her frustration level rise as it often does when she is asked to do something she doesn't want to do/takes longer than she thinks it should. 

Her unawareness of 'personal space' is something he also got to see. He was typing at his computer while talking to her and a rock on the other side of the desk caught her eye. Even though he was in-between C and the rock, she went down, under his desk where he was typing and past his legs to pop up on the other side to retrieve and examine the rock. She could have gone around just as easily, but less directly.

This was all relieving to hear. He was very empathetic.

He then dropped the idea that she may have ADHD. Of course it wasn't something that he suggested labeling at this point in her development, but he thought it would be useful to have that label in the picture, to have it on the radar. Her ability to switch from one thing to the next and be everywhere at once was marveling to him. Compounded with her brightness. She has a lot of learning potential, he said, and could tell from the little time with her that she is perceptive and bright. Catching onto things quickly. Her energy and 'flightiness' is a lot to handle.

During their time together he asked her to draw a picture of her family. C started out drawing 'mom' and he wasn't sure if that was me or Kathleen (it was Kathleen because she calls me Jessica, but he wouldn't have known that) but then she stopped, looked a little bewildered and changed her mind, making it into herself. She refused to go on and he thought it interesting that she put up such a block to that. He tried to ask her leading questions about her family and she pretty much shut down for him, wiggling her way into doing another activity. He didn't want to push her, but he definitely noticed that it was uncomfortable for her and found it interesting that she was not open to talking about any of it. With how wide open she had been previously and after, he was interested in this dynamic. Why it's so closed off. He didn't have anything to say about it, other than it was interesting.

There were no recommendations or a list of 'things to do' from the 5 minute follow-up I had with him, which is where he told me about these experiences with C during their half hour together. I will be interested in seeing the whole prognosis. All four kids did an hour with mom and then lunch and then an hour with dad. 

That was a couple weeks ago. And then we got this other update from our counselor. We have transitioned out of the Parent Child Interactive Therapy and are into Child Parent Psychotherapy. I filled out a little mental health survey for C while her counselor observed her playing for an hour. And from what I can gather, C went nuts. Not having me there to help her regulate herself with expectations and she went off the handle. Her counselor came out of there looking a little bewildered about what just went down.

The counselor calculated the results for the two of us to go over last week and it was enlightening. Here's an update on that:

C's results from her last counseling session came in. It was a survey I filled out with mental health questions on it and her counselor calculated it all and we went over the results today. I don't remember what it was called. But what it showed was C is still being affected by the trauma she has gone through. Mostly in the areas of avoidance (not wanting to talk about her past) and arousal (being constantly busy/easily irritated/impulsive). The counselor said that often kids with arousal PTSD showing are often mislabeled as ADHD, which had me thinking about what the specialist at the children's program had noticed, as well. We will do the parent child psychotherapy and then will re-asess in three months time to see what progress has been made in those two areas. 

Something else we talked about was ways to keep C calm. To give her body and mind a break and to be sensitive to her needs for safety and connection. I am going to be working hard on these for the next while until they become second-nature. I get super stressed in the morning trying to get everyone out the door on time and stressed again at bed time, trying to get everyone in bed on time. These are my two areas of highest needs and I am working on myself, on staying calm during these times and giving the time needed to make success happen. 

The specialist at the children's program did get me thinking, with the potential label of ADHD, I began brainstorming ways to get C calm at night. Understanding that her mind needs some extra un-winding time. We have a good, solid routine and if I add more to it, the routine will last more than I have patience for. We already do teeth, jammies, stories, prayers, 5 minutes with each kid talking about their day. This is enough to have Alaska calmed down and ready for bed. C is often up for another hour, which was never a huge deal in the past, but now that school is going on, it was beginning to freak me out.  I picked up some children's melatonin at Walmart the other day and have been giving her the prescribed dosage every night. It has helped immensely! It used to take her a hour to fall asleep, just being awake, in bed, but now she is ready to fall asleep the same time Alaska is and that has cut down a lot of the bedtime drama, as well. It used to be, before, last week, that C would keep Alaska up by tossing and turning or singing to herself or whatever. There aren't as many bathroom or drink needs and evenings run much smoother as the melatonin kicks in and C is calm enough to not make a ruckus about herself but can focus on getting things done. 

So - with all that backstory. The counselor had also mentioned looking at C's behavior through the trauma lense of needing connection and safety. I have been doing my best to make those happen. Reminding her a few times a day that she's safe, asking her about her heart beat. Things like when she is happy and calm her heart beat is slow and when she is upset her heart beat is fast. Noticing the difference and she has come to tell me a few times this week, "Jessica! My heart beat is slow! I am happy!" That has been a good change. For her to recognize that. And as far as trying to use more connection, I am bending over more, getting to her level, using more touch, and when she does something really good, I compliment her quick when she does it, but then bring it back up later in the day about how much I appreciated her doing whatever it was she did.

AND!!! It was payday today. These come just every once-in-awhile and I am quick to write them down because for every payday there is negative numbers coming from my patience bank by the hundreds. Like today when we went to pick up Alaska, we talked about having a quiet voice and whispering because there are kids at Alaska's school that are trying to sleep. We get in the door and BANG! Alaska! I MISSED YOU!!!! and it's loud enough that Alaska's teacher has to tell her to be quiet. And then there are other conversations that happened two more times that the teacher had to hush her for. It was embarrassing. 

But, today being payday. We got pizza today for dinner. And there are those little 'tables' that they put in the middle of the slices. One for Alaska and one for C. Talmage took Alaska's and Alaska was having a bigger melt-down about it than she should have been. C gave Alaska her table! No prompting. Just saw how upset Alaska was and gave hers to her. And then a second thing tonight, C put all the toothbrushes back in the drawer. Not just her own, but Alaska and Talmage's, too. And the third thing... oh goodness, what was it? I don't even remember, but it was something to make my heart swell and it's that feeling that I can't forget. Something that was being a peace-maker again. Where she was extra-nice to Talmage, which is also a rare thing in itself since she is always competing for attention with him. 

Maybe all this is going to pay off, after all. Thank goodness there are good, sweet moments. 

A Successful Morning Shopping Trip

I don't even know what it was. But today, so far, we've had success.

A morning shopping trip with C and Talmage because Alaska is in school. C had no school today, Halloween, because her teachers are doing parent/teacher conferences. I had hers at 9:15 and was told stuff that was surprising (good) and stuff that is like, "Oh, so now you see it?" not so good. I am not so crazy. It's just nice to see others struggle, ya know? To be recognized for the hard work I am doing.

C knows a large majority of her letters and sounds and can say a word that begins with that letter. She is able to problem solve on her own, as given an example of a whole long process she did one day.  Which the teacher pointed out is often the norm, but it shows that she is capable. Math is still a struggle, as is sharing and delaying her gratification and obeying rules.

We did a quick in-and-out at Target where I knew exactly what I needed and didn't even bother putting Talmage in a cart because he was doing a great job holding hands and keeping up. C was staying close, which we had talked about before going in, and there we were. Two kids and a mom. C carried the two items that we went in for and I wrangled Talmage a little. Because, even if he can hold hands in the parking lot and keep up with me while we cruise to an isle, once we are at the destination his hands start wandering and I here him chirp, "Me, me, me" at things that he likes and wants to bring home. Note to self, he's still not aware enough to be out of the cart.

Which is funny to me. Because if I had another baby right now, he would be the big boy, and would need to keep his hands in his pockets while in the store and I wouldn't have the option of plopping him in a cart. We rise to what is expected of us. And right now, I am not expected to have a 2 year-old who walks beside me without touching stuff, so it's just easier to put him a cart and contain the matter for a few more months. I hope I am not doing him a dis-service.

Target went well so I was prepared to go a quick Old Navy trip. I had done my research online and knew what I needed to be looking for. Found it all by only having to do one back-track loop in the store and then looked at little girl clothes for a little too long, which Talmage let me know all about. He is so noisy sometimes. Not necessarily unhappy noises, just loud. Gum saved my buns this round. A promise of a piece of gum if he could be quiet and then we were out of there. C carried the clothes that I had picked out for her and an extra pair of leggings she had found. She had been carefully staying close and while I was looking at some things she busied herself looking at leggings. When she picked a pair I had to explain to her that the (xs) was too small and she needed to find a hanger with an (m) on it. She did and also found an (s) for Alaska. It was pleasant.

At check-out there are all. the. things. C touched many a thing, saying that she wanted it. We had a good conversation while the cashier put in my coupon codes about putting things on our birthday lists and how we had gum in the car waiting for us already. She was receptive to it all and we made it out without any troubles.

Breath of fresh air! Sweet relief! We did it! And I just had to come here to blog about it because it was such a miracle!

Oh! And! And they had both been doing so well that we went to Panda Express for lunch. This is something Alaska and I have been doing since she could chew food. And even before that. It's our most favorite tradition of going into Hillsboro/Tanasbourne and doing our shopping and then getting lunch before coming home.

C and Talmage waited at a table while I ordered, which is also a huge step from C having to come 'tell me something' while I am trying to do our orders. I got Talmage the rice and teriyaki chicken and he was even big enough to eat the rice while leaning over his plate. These milestones! C ate her chicken, which is also a big step, because that girl won't eat chicken unless it is heavily marinated and no longer resembles chicken. That last time I took her to Panda she tried one noodle, a taste of chicken and declared herself done. We are making progress!

Just Maybe, but No

I suppose having been to the recruitment meeting last night put me up on the radar of a few people because today I got a call from Amanda asking if we could take in a 2 month-old. A whole year has gone by without anyone calling to see if we have space, which of course, we don't.

So it made me feel like we were really missing out on this one. That maybe this one was so special that Amanda felt we needed it. I didn't even ask if it was a boy or a girl. I just had to say, "no". Because we don't have the space. And really, honestly, not really even the time right now, either. And I'll probably always be wondering who it did go to, and how that baby is doing and if I should have said, well, sure, we can make room. If the blessings would out-weigh the trial. I mean, I know it wasn't my baby, but it was almost my baby and that is a weird feeling. So there's that.

I told Amanda that really, we would love to, a baby just sounds so nice right now. Especially since Talmage is not really a baby anymore (he's 2 and some change) but we really don't have the space. Talmage is sleeping in a porta-crib as it is because we have the two girls sharing the bedroom and then Steve and I in the master bedroom with Talmage in the closet. The girls' room is full with their mini-bunkbed, two dressers (although we need three) and a toy shelf that books and toys are kept on. There's not even an option of how to take any of those items out to make room for another bed. The only thing that could be done is to switch rooms. Have the master bedroom be crammed into the girls' room and then put all the kids in the bigger room and there would be room for a toddler bed in there and then a new baby could use the pack-and-play. But I am not sure if I am up to that kind of transition right now. So it was easier to just say, "Nope, we don't have the room right now." Plus, plus! What would I do with a baby while I substituted? I mean, Talmage was three months when I went back to work last time and he survived just fine. But it's another person for the babysitter to transport, and frankly, with what would then be 4 kids, and none of them being able to ride in the front seat yet, then the babysitter would need to drive a car big enough. And that just isn't going to happen. So I guess we are where we are for a reason with how many kids we have. I'll have to be a full-time stay-at-home-mom before we add any more numbers to our kid count. Right now, though, I am saving every penny I can so that we can buy a house.

We need a house. I cannot stay in this little apartment for much longer without going crazy and if I am not saving what I earn it aint gonna happen. So basically, I am racking up whatever jobs I can while keeping my sanity of working two days a week and I can't jeopardize that to take care of someone else's problem of not being able to take care of their kids. I gotta put my own first and then when I've got the time and the house space to do it, I will do it. It's nearly a miracle in itself that we have one extra girl at all! You should have seen us that first night. Taking down Talmage's crib, moving a couch piece around, setting up the pack-and-play for Talmage, running to walmart for another crib mattress. It was a lot to get done in just a few short hours. But we did it. And got to bed at 12 am that day.

But see, see all this that is rushing through my head just by a simple question of could we take one more in? It's a lot of emotional energy.

I called Steven at work to tell him that Amanda had called, even though I had already given our answer. I just needed to share the emotional baggage of saying no, with him. Of the possibilities.

After 5 minutes of the shock wearing off, I e-mailed Amanda saying that if it was an emergency and the baby needed a place for the weekend, we could handle that. 2 month-olds don't really sleep at night, anyways, and I could make sleep happen in our big armchair, in-between getting up to make formula bottles. Talmage was 3 months old before I was putting him in his own bed at night. For three months I spent every night in that chair with him up on my chest. He could do naps on his own, but at night I was too exhausted to fight the crying.

She graciously e-mailed back a, "Thank you for your message, we found another good option and the family is following a safety plan for the weekend." Which basically means, no emergency, and if/when placement happens they have a place. A safety plan is the last resort before removing a child. It's where someone who is approved to be a safety service provider is with the kids and gives 24/7 supervision for the parent, if the parent is there. It is this person who has a lot of say in what goes down afterwards. If the kids are just way too much/parent can't give the safety that they need, then they go into the foster system. If the parents can have a little bit of 'getting it togetherness' then they can keep them. Is how I understand it. That could be all wrong, but that is how I have seen it work in our case.

Fun fact: C gave her little sister, and herself, a haircut the weekend of the safety plan and I am sure countless other things happened, but that is the one that was the most obvious to us, the foster parents. Safety concerns/supervision has been a big deal in this case. And we're not talking small hair cut. We're talking the little sister had to have it all trimmed off to a pixie cut and C looked like she had been given a bad bang job that was trying to be grown out. Thank goodness it wasn't short bangs. It was just chunks of hair missing their length. But it made doing ponytails really tricky because a lot of it wasn't quite long enough to make it into the rubber band.

Recruitment Meeting

I went to a foster parent recruitment night last night. I caught up with a GHOBI representative, which is basically foster care, but on steroids. These kids are high needs behaviorally and mental healthily. You get payed more and maybe I could do it. Maybe not, though, C has been a handful as it is. This GHOBI, whatever it stands for, is new in the community and they are doing a lot of good work for the county. Wrap around services is what they call it. In order to qualify for GHOBI, you have to be subsidized in some other government intervention. Like foster care. Our CASA is looking in to getting our case transferred from CCMH (columbia county mental health) to this GHOBI place for maybe more resources to help the kids that are placed with us. They are a mess, as always. As I talked to the rep, though, I am not sure if our kids are a mess enough. We're talking about kids who do self-harm, who blow up at school with biting and spitting and stuff who cannot regulate their own emotions. C doesn't do that. She mostly has listening and following direction problems and a need for attention that overrules all of her taught skills. It's still a headache. We're going on a year, all the counseling we did over the summer and it's often just as frustrating as it was. More good days, but those bad days hit just as hard and fast as always.

After catching up with the GHOBI people I talked to a certifier who is the other half of our certifier. Sounds weird, but what it is, is that we have a certifier that works two, 10 hour days. And then she has a partner who does the second part of the week, the other two, 10 hours days. She was absolutely so nice and approachable. She answered a few questions for me, too. I felt very much more in the 'know' after having talked to her and that was fulfilling. If the night had ended there, it would have been fine.

But! I got to talk to a parent unit with their son about becoming foster parents. It was invigorating to have the answers they needed and to just give them a little of the lowdown. Something I wish I would have had when I was looking into the process. I remember seeing a post about someone reaching out for foster parents on facebook. It was a family member posting, not DHS or anyone representing them, and it just hit me so hard that I cried that night. Two girls needed a home ASAP and there was nothing I could do about it.  I then contacted almost everyone that commented on that post who I felt like might know something, anything, about the foster care process and it was tedious work. To have an open meeting like the one last night would have been so excellent!

This is something that I love. My passion. I have found it. Surrounding myself with people who have the same passion is so beautiful. And being able to share my knowledge and experiences with people is just great, too. I was flying high on my way out of there and then Amanda (The recruitment head person. She teaches the classes and puts together all the messages about training opportunities) reached out to me and asked if Steven and I would be willing to come in and talk about our experiences on a panel for her next training. Heck yes! She says this, "I just thought of you. You are fairly new, you are part of sibling unit that works seamlessly together, you have a relationship with the bio-parents that, I don't know what it is, but it works. And you've had your fair share of unexpected things like C's surgery and the need for a new caseworker - although that can't be advertised too openly because then everyone will want a new one." When you put it all like that, then yes, yeah, it's a lot. I have a lot to share. In my short year of doing this service I have kind of run the gauntlet. When I first met the attorney that represents the kids he says something to the extent, "This is your first foster experience? I can't believe you got such a complicated case for your first one." And back then, we didn't know what that meant. We had no idea what other people's experiences were, we were just along for the ride. And now, having met more people and heard more incredible things than I can even remember, I see what he means. Yes, we got a hard one for this first one. I can only hope that they get easier after this.

I was just so estatic, though, to be asked to be on the panel. Success! It may be a small way to measure a job well-done, but I will measure away. Of course, when I tell people this incredible story of being chosen to be on the panel they just nod their heads and say, 'of course' - but really. I am just so happy! I don't see myself as doing anything too super special, and yet I can have such great success just by being the person that I am and doing the things that I do naturally. It feels good.

Stake Auxilliary Meeting

The meeting was fabulous. And the car ride was fabulous. It all turned out to be a great way to end the night.

President Opdahl gave a moving spiritual thought about loving those we serve. I have been feeling so depleted lately. Like the fact that having three kids is so much harder and time consuming than having two. It's like I can't even focus long enough to get things done without someone coming in, needing something. Or someone else coming along to report some tattling. It's exhausting. It's all I can do to keep my little family running smoothly. I don't have the time and the energy, nor the motivation, to keep up with much else.

Which is where my church calling has been suffering. I can do the basics. But I can't do extra. Being paired with the youth, where everything feels like it is extra, is starting to take it's toll. Instead of a job to do for Sunday, it's a job to do for Sunday, Wednesday (youth group night) and during the week because I feel like they need the prayers on their behalf, the thoughts on their behalf and I really so badly wanted to do a little surprise for them for the first day of school. And then the first day of school turned into the first week of school and it still never got done. I want these girls to know that I love them, but I just can't do anything extra right now. C takes up all of my thoughts and my resources and any other time that I think I might have. It's taxing. But so rewarding and I know I am doing what I ought to be doing - I just need to find a way to squeeze out a little more for those girls that I am in stewardship over. And that is where the blessings come in, I know. Heavenly Father is looking out for me and when he sees the effort that I put in I know that he will magnify that effort so that it all comes around full circle. Just gotta have the faith (and the concentration) to make it happen.

The spiritual thought though: Love can fill the gaps of what we cannot do. The spirit can touch the hearts of all and if we teach with the spirit we cannot go wrong. Basically, if the girls feel the love that I have for them, then those days when things kind of fall apart, will be ok. Because the love will fill in where I have failed.  And if I am teaching by the spirit, then something will stick to their heart enough to make whatever lesson it is we had be of importance to them. Which is reassuring because so often I look at the lesson topics on Sunday and wonder, "What in the world is this? How can I teach this so that it matters? They've heard this stuff a million times already, what is going to make this different?" And you know what? I don't have to make it all fancy. So long as the spirit is there to testify and speak to them - they will learn something worthwhile. And that is good news for a teacher.

After the spiritual thought with everyone all together, we were split into our existing auxiliaries. Young Women presidencies, Primary, Relief Society and Sunday School. The young women's lesson started out a little shaky but ended strong. A video was shown with President Monson narrating. Something about a sugar beet farmer. He was driving all his beets to market and the load was so full he was losing beets along the roadside. He had the field hands driving behind him stop to pick up the beets that had fallen off, saying, "There is just as much sugar in those that fall off the truck as those that are still on." Which goes to say, the girls who aren't coming to church on Sunday or mutual on Wednesdays - they are just as precious and good as those who are loaded carefully on the truck, tucked in with scriptures/prayer and positive peers and supportive family. Which is hard to remember sometimes because those girls are so often the ones that are the least lovable and seem to have the least amount of sugar. Except for in our case. The young woman that I am most worried about is the quietest little thing that just slips in and out and while the other girls try to out-reach to her, she bows her head and will not make eye-contact. I have talked to her mom about it and her mom literally said, "She's just fine at home. I see no reason to worry."

There were a couple of one-liners that were unforgettable, "Our service is to save souls."  "Testify of the truthfulness of Christ."  and, "Never let your faith be difficult to detect." And I just realized that all of those have alliteration. Well, it makes them easy to remember, what can I say? Note to self, next time I make up a talk for sacrament meeting, make up a sentence with alliteration.

I could probably write a paragraph about each of those right now, but honestly, I am so worn out from today's events. I didn't even get to talk about them because I was so busy catching up from Wednesday. A job for tomorrow. Always a day behind, it feels like.

This is the Life I Chose

You want to know what happens to me? Well, I sign in to write on this bloggedy-blog and I get sucked into my 'following' section of blogs that I enjoy reading. Not my favorites, my favorites I show up for at the end of the night to coast through beautiful words and photos. But the ones that I don't see often and actually kind of forget about until I sign in to write my own post. And then all of a sudden a hour is gone by and I have accomplished not a whole lot and I definitely feel inadequate to write anything after reading so many wonderfully written and descriptive days of others. So I sign out and call it a go and vow not to forget 'that one thing Alaska said,' or that 'way I felt when that part happened'. And of course, I do forget, and then I vow to get on here more often and record more stuff and keep life-documenting. But I don't. Because I am a lady with a busy schedule and things to do and kids to teach how to be kind and solve their own problems and all that.

Today though, something special happened.

I absolutely loving substituting. Especially as I have gained a family through working at the alternative school. A family of high-strung, loud and extra-obnoxious teenagers. The ones who don't quite fit in at the high school because they are so high-strung, or anxiety ridden, or really just hate showing up for classes. What-have-you. They're teenagers, and not the kind that you see at church sitting with their families during sacrament meeting or at youth group on Wednesday.

I love it so much, and I love the paycheck mid-month, that sometimes it's easier to measure my success by that paycheck than it is by the less satisfying number of breakfasts, lunches and dinners made and cleaned up, the amount of laundry pushed through the machines and stuffed into drawers and the more objective things like the kindness my children show to others and their ability to problem-solve an issue of sharing.

Anyways, to save my sanity, I have set a goal of subbing 2 days a week. This helps me keep life in perspective. Otherwise I would be wanting to sub every single day and that is just all around a little crazy with three kids and the babysitting schedule I have rigged up for them and not to mention, I need some energy for them and days that I substitute it's hard to stay calm in the mornings when I am trying to get everyone out the door and it's hard to stay calm in the evenings when I come home to a house that was stagnant all day. No dinner made or laundry done or floors vacuumed.

The jist is, that today I made a hard decision. I was called on need to my 'school family' and couldn't do it. It was last minute and all that and it was easier to say no, but I still had to think about it. Hard. I even went to the effort of putting together an elaborative babysitting scheme where I would pick C up early from school and then take her and Talmage to CCEC and have them wait in the office until my mother-in-law could come pick them up. When you sub enough at a small school this kind of stuff becomes a reality.

I called back and had to explain that no, today I just couldn't do that.

And as I hung up, I was empowered. This is the life I chose. I chose to be a stay-at-home mom with a side job. And it is hard sometimes being so capable and having to say no. But instead of saying no, I need to think of it as choosing what I want most.

Today I had my mind all set for staying at home and doing the 'mom gig' as I think of it. I loaded Talmage into the stroller and we walked to C's school to pick her up, walking back home with a friend who lives in the same apartment complex. Not very moms get to do this around here. Who get to choose to do this, nonetheless. The walk was refreshing, even though C all but refused to move from the front door of the school for about 5 minutes because her legs hurt and she wanted to ride in the stroller. Which was another reason it was especially nice to have a friend to walk home with. To get her distracted. That girl. So stubborn.

No one was interested in taking naps - so the two of them played quietly while I did orders (this is what I do for my dad's business) and then we went and picked up Alaska from school. I didn't get around to doing any more of the 'mom gig' as I was emotionally spent after all of the thinking and planning of earlier in the day, but I was home and my children were home and I guess that counts for something.

This evening is a stake auxiliary training for my calling in the young women's program. I am car pooling with a vanful of ladies and it should be a good time. I am looking forward to the drive as much as I am looking forward to the filling of my cup of training. I was really good at doing presidency meetings with my beehives for about a year and then we got a new beehive president and all of a sudden all of my excitement is just gone and it's easier to not. Maybe I can gain some purpose back into this enthusiasm I know I should have.