There's No Such Thing as Other People's Children

This blog post by Glennon Doyle Melton (momastery) really touched my heart. And not because I am involved with the refugee crises. Because I am involved in foster care. The title, "There's no such thing as other people's children" hit home for me as I have one of those children in my home and I am trying to do my best by her, but so often it is so freaking hard. 

She is not someone else's, she is mine. While she is with me, she is mine. We dress her like we do the others, we treat her like we do the others and we love on her like we do the others - but when it proves to be more than I can handle. More than my patience level can withstand as she pushes back at every. little. thing. I get down to her level and I say, "I love you." Because really, she is mine as much as she is her own mother's. At least for now. And I will not be sad to give her back, but until then, I will love her.

I've had a really hard time getting attached. So many people, when we started, said things like, "I could never do that. I would get too attached." And I began to doubt myself. Here I was, happily taking her to her visitation appointment because it meant there was two hours in the day where I would not need to be around her. Could I not do it because I could not get attached enough? She's hard to love, happy and friendly on the outside but defiant and pushy on the inside. 

This paragraph from Glennon's post gave me heart:

"The situation is devastating, and sometimes looks hopeless. And to that we say this: People of light do not let the fact that we cannot do everything keep us from doing something. People of light concern themselves with serving instead of fixing. In the absence of long terms answers: we work. Turning away is not an option for people who have committed to the spiritual practice of showing up. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for people of light to do nothing. We can be heartbroken and confused, but we must continue to work while we are heartbroken and confused. When the world is dark: we do not hide. WE BRING THE LIGHT."

Most especially the line, "People of light concern themselves with serving instead of fixing." and I think I have forgotten that. There is a certain amount of fixing that has to happen in fostering. C is low on the communication and interaction with others type of things. Very low. I am constantly teaching her how to treat others. Re-teaching years of her fending for herself. And it's hard. And it's overwhelming. But I didn't come into this to do fixing. I did not start this journey all like, "I've got skills. I can teach children how to be kind and respectful." I came into this journey as, "I've got acceptance and patience. I have love to share." And somewhere between her not wiping herself after going poop and the stomping fits and the chasing the cat and the talking too loud and the coloring on the walls - I got overwhelmed. I came into this to serve and I think I have gotten so overwhelmed with all the teaching that I maybe have forgotten how to do the loving and that leaves me feeling as if I am failing. Because I don't feel like my teaching is changing all of a whole lot.

But the loving I can do. Despite all the frustration, I can love. And I need to remind myself that I am capable of that. Yes, it is irritating to the tenth term when I have to say, "Don't tease that cat" and when I have to stop what I am doing to take care of an issue of her not following directions - but that is all fixing stuff. 

I am not a failure at this. I can do it. I just have to rearrange my perspective. And not all of the time. But some of the time. Sometimes teaching needs to take a back seat to pulling her in close and inhaling the coconut and hibiscus product we are using to tame her unruly curls.

Also, "In the absence of long term answers: we work." I am working on creating some parenting skills. Bless their hearts, but Alaska and Talmage have just been too easy. And thank goodness, I wouldn't have it any other way, but I am going to need skills and I am going to get those skills now. I am studying and practicing and working my buns off to get this little girl up to where I know she can be. I am not shutting her in her room because she is too much to handle. I am pulling her out. I am teaching. I don't know what kind of time frame we will have her for, I for sure don't have any long term answers right now, but I am working on them. Because one thing I have learned, is that short term turns into long term one day at a time. Time is going to pass whether I am doing or not. May as well be doing.