C's behavior was rubbing off on Alaska and it was wigging me out. That was at about month one and a half and now, month three, Alaska is back to her usual self. Also, Talmage has stopped his scowling that he was picking up from C. There is hope that after the storm there will be calm again! As much as Alaska wanted to try out C's behavior, she has been raised better than that and all that hard work we put in has prevailed! C has had 4 years of negative/no training and Alaska has had 4 years of positive training. Their environment is not conducive to getting away with feet stomping and bad attitudes and the good has conquered.
Right now I am noticing a pattern of 4 good days and 3 bad days. I don't know what they are in relation to. It's not like I can count on her being good on Mondays or whatever, but the numbers are there. This past week it wasn't even mediocre days. It was like really awesome, we-are-starting-to become-a-family type of days.
Friday, Steve had off so we took an impromptu trip to Portland to the Mississippi Pizza Pub. Lots of flavor packed combinations and the pull there was the promise of a whole wheat crust. That proved to be false, but it was a fun adventure and the girls did fantastic. On the way home C initiated an, "I love you." with which Alaska added to. Somehow it became a game of them saying, "I love you." and Steve and I replying, "I love you, too," in silly voices. It took us about 40 minutes for it to get old and to run out of giggles. Their laughter was absolutely contagious.
Saturday, Sunday, Monday were again filled with lots of good feels for everyone.
Monday in the evening, C pulled out all the stuffing from a stuffed animal. I didn't show I was mad, just got her a plastic bag to put all the stuffing into. I had Alaska help, too, which, I should have known from the start, would turn into a fluff ball fight. That was a mess and C had to come sit on the couch while I cleaned up.
3 hours later, as I put her into bed, she held on extra long for her goodnight hug. I had worked that day and she hadn't filled her quota of touch for the day is what I supposed. I didn't let go. I held her for as long as she needed, remembering a quote I had seen on pinterest the other week. "When you are hugging a child, always be the last to let go. You never know how long they need it," said by a retired Disney princess. It payed off. She pulled back, looked me in the eyes and said, "Jessica. Sorry for pulling all the white paper out of the bear and making a mess." It melted my heart and when I told Steve about it later I started to cry. She does not say sorry without prompting and for the incident to have happened earlier in the day and not in her immediate 5 minutes ago memory meant a lot. She's coming around. It is relieving.
Tuesday there was a stand off at the gym between her and I getting her boots on. We're talking the kind where she was not going to go and I was going to have to take her out kicking and screaming. Instead, I pulled a fast one on her. I got up, took her boots with me because she was not putting them on, and walked out the door, hustling to keep up with Alaska and Talmage. She came crying and carrying on after me and I didn't let her put her boots on until we were at the top of the stairs where I could coral Talmage to wait 10 seconds while she slipped them on. It was embarrassing, sure, but it had to be done.
Bah, talk about embarrassing. We were at Safeway a month ago, I haven't had the guts to take her out in public since this, but I guess you can get free cookies at Safeway to eat while you shop. I have no idea. But she kept on asking for a cookie. Incessantly. And she couldn't keep her hands off of stuff. I put her in the basket of the cart. And she literally screamed at the top of her lungs, "I want a cookie!", I about died. She gave one more half-hearted scream about it and when she was quiet to see what my reaction was going to be and pout, I just said, "No. And ya know what? I am done talking about it." And it was done. She was fine the rest of the shopping trip. But I still haven't gotten brave enough to take her out again. It was terrifying.
On Tuesday there was just that one incident with the boots and maybe one more, but come Wednesday she was spring loaded with all sorts of attitude and fits and just all around bad behavior. It was a hard day. But I believe my stamina has grown and her behavior is changing for the better because instead of memories of all badness and wanting to quit, I can distinctly remember her fits and behaviors as punctuations, not a whole, running paragraph for the day.
We are getting there, people! We are getting there. Her ending exclamation mark tonight was eating a book. Literally taking a bite out of a book, chewing and when asked what was in her mouth, swallowing the pulp. Keeping it real around here. One more bad day and we will be having sunny, feel good days again.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Sunday, February 21, 2016
The Power Struggle is Real
In all my expertise of reading a (1) parenting book and watching a webinar I have run into good ideas and conflicting things that children are after. As if it were so simple to say, "There are two things that kids need." Rather than the bajillion that they actually do. Or even better, "There are three things that children need." What's so hard about that?
It's all great words of wisdom, but it makes you wonder, who actually knows what they're talking about, right? Who gets more points and credibility for being the most in-tune? Of course, children are so complex, that it's not even fair to weigh on that kind of criteria. But it still makes me bristle to think that someone can claim that children only need two things and then for it to be wrong, actually children need the other two things. Two things is a high stake to try and pull off.
Basically, children need attention - everyone agrees on that. And they also need a toss up of power and belonging. Some more power than others. C is definitely a power person and it has been interesting to see her progression as I give her the power she so desperately asks for in all the wrong ways.
I am not a person who discusses which clothes are going to be worn for the day or which hair pretty is going to be worn for the day. When it comes to appearance there is no option but to slip into what I have set out on the couch. That's just the way it is. And I realize my kids are missing out on valuable life lessons by doing this, but it's something I don't care to change right now. There are other things that I am more lax about. Like chicken nuggets or sandwiches for lunch, or to read stories first or brush teeth first. The more choices I can give C in a day, the better she does. It is amazing how simple the choice of "you can walk to your room by yourself for a time out or I can hold your hand and take you to your room for a time out." She can honestly put on a smile when she has the choice to walk by herself when before the choices were an option I would have been given the stomp of a foot.
Right now I am trying to eliminate the time out, but when she has colored on yet another thing that shouldn't be colored on it's all I can do to not lose it. I should probably be putting myself in time out, but I believe that would have the same consequences as when I get on the phone or go to the bathroom - all of a sudden everyone is interested and I spend more energy telling people to go away than I do in actually doing my task. Note to self, work on that. I know that I can train them to leave me alone if I say a couple of key words, gotta come up with those words.
Back to the choices, though. It is really just incredible that change in her disposition. And sometimes she delays in her decision making to stall her consequences but when she does that I ask her if she would like to choose for her and usually that hurries her up. One time she surprised me and said that she did want me to choose for her. Her choice was 'walk down the stairs' or 'have a time out'. I chose walk down the stairs for her because time outs are 'no fun'. She agreed and sulked down the stairs, but down she went anyway. It's magic. I wish I was better at it. But I am practicing.
It's all great words of wisdom, but it makes you wonder, who actually knows what they're talking about, right? Who gets more points and credibility for being the most in-tune? Of course, children are so complex, that it's not even fair to weigh on that kind of criteria. But it still makes me bristle to think that someone can claim that children only need two things and then for it to be wrong, actually children need the other two things. Two things is a high stake to try and pull off.
Basically, children need attention - everyone agrees on that. And they also need a toss up of power and belonging. Some more power than others. C is definitely a power person and it has been interesting to see her progression as I give her the power she so desperately asks for in all the wrong ways.
I am not a person who discusses which clothes are going to be worn for the day or which hair pretty is going to be worn for the day. When it comes to appearance there is no option but to slip into what I have set out on the couch. That's just the way it is. And I realize my kids are missing out on valuable life lessons by doing this, but it's something I don't care to change right now. There are other things that I am more lax about. Like chicken nuggets or sandwiches for lunch, or to read stories first or brush teeth first. The more choices I can give C in a day, the better she does. It is amazing how simple the choice of "you can walk to your room by yourself for a time out or I can hold your hand and take you to your room for a time out." She can honestly put on a smile when she has the choice to walk by herself when before the choices were an option I would have been given the stomp of a foot.
Right now I am trying to eliminate the time out, but when she has colored on yet another thing that shouldn't be colored on it's all I can do to not lose it. I should probably be putting myself in time out, but I believe that would have the same consequences as when I get on the phone or go to the bathroom - all of a sudden everyone is interested and I spend more energy telling people to go away than I do in actually doing my task. Note to self, work on that. I know that I can train them to leave me alone if I say a couple of key words, gotta come up with those words.
Back to the choices, though. It is really just incredible that change in her disposition. And sometimes she delays in her decision making to stall her consequences but when she does that I ask her if she would like to choose for her and usually that hurries her up. One time she surprised me and said that she did want me to choose for her. Her choice was 'walk down the stairs' or 'have a time out'. I chose walk down the stairs for her because time outs are 'no fun'. She agreed and sulked down the stairs, but down she went anyway. It's magic. I wish I was better at it. But I am practicing.
It's Getting a Teensy Tiny Bit Better Around Here
This week I would say was a decent one. C seems to have migrated to a hard day every 5 days or so and that feels nice. I took my break from teaching every single second of the day to just loving. And that 'just' has a lot of qualifications to back it up - but mostly that's what it was. Just.
Just loving when she ran after the cat. We took a minute to talk about how Kitty Kitty feels when he is chased.
Just loving when she colored on yet another book. We took a minute to talk about how that makes me feel when books are colored on. (This one is not slowing down. She is constantly coloring on stuff that shouldn't be colored on. Even with our rule of markers and pens staying at the table, if there is something on the table while they are coloring, it gets colored. Books, toys, the table, it happens all the time! And she is definitely not confusing books with coloring books. She knows the difference.)
Just loving when she hit Talmage. We took a minute to talk about how that makes Talmage feel.
Just loving when she screamed at me for I don't even remember what. We took a minute to talk about being respectful and how that makes people feel.
Lots of feelings go along with all that loving. But there weren't as many timeouts and what do you know - the cat chasing slowed to a minimum. This is all such common sense when you look at it after you have found the answer and you can think that I am dumb all you want. 'Cause even I feel dumb! But it's learning, none-the-less.
The one thing I did not put up with was the whining. It has gotten out of hand around here. And the forgetting to use manners. It boils me over. So we practiced asking and when they forget I say 'try again' and they are supposed to try again in asking. At first I was sending them to their room when they forgot but I quickly learned that didn't help. Instead it was just a stand-off. So I started setting the timer for 4 minutes, what is usually a timeout length of time around here, and then they can try asking again in 4 minutes. That went over much more well and didn't drive me nearly as crazy because I didn't have to have a battle of defiance every time. We're still practicing and sometimes I forget to follow through - but I hope we get there. That was the hardest day. The day where I was trying to teach that and follow through really well with the consequences for not asking in a regular voice and leaving out the request words. Mostly it's a whine of "I need milk" instead of something nice like, "Could you please get me some milk?"
We had three really good days in a row. Like, not just a regular mediocre day, but a really good day. Like we were a family day. And C has started saying, "Jessica, I love you." through out the day and that makes me feel better about life.
Just loving when she ran after the cat. We took a minute to talk about how Kitty Kitty feels when he is chased.
Just loving when she colored on yet another book. We took a minute to talk about how that makes me feel when books are colored on. (This one is not slowing down. She is constantly coloring on stuff that shouldn't be colored on. Even with our rule of markers and pens staying at the table, if there is something on the table while they are coloring, it gets colored. Books, toys, the table, it happens all the time! And she is definitely not confusing books with coloring books. She knows the difference.)
Just loving when she hit Talmage. We took a minute to talk about how that makes Talmage feel.
Just loving when she screamed at me for I don't even remember what. We took a minute to talk about being respectful and how that makes people feel.
Lots of feelings go along with all that loving. But there weren't as many timeouts and what do you know - the cat chasing slowed to a minimum. This is all such common sense when you look at it after you have found the answer and you can think that I am dumb all you want. 'Cause even I feel dumb! But it's learning, none-the-less.
The one thing I did not put up with was the whining. It has gotten out of hand around here. And the forgetting to use manners. It boils me over. So we practiced asking and when they forget I say 'try again' and they are supposed to try again in asking. At first I was sending them to their room when they forgot but I quickly learned that didn't help. Instead it was just a stand-off. So I started setting the timer for 4 minutes, what is usually a timeout length of time around here, and then they can try asking again in 4 minutes. That went over much more well and didn't drive me nearly as crazy because I didn't have to have a battle of defiance every time. We're still practicing and sometimes I forget to follow through - but I hope we get there. That was the hardest day. The day where I was trying to teach that and follow through really well with the consequences for not asking in a regular voice and leaving out the request words. Mostly it's a whine of "I need milk" instead of something nice like, "Could you please get me some milk?"
We had three really good days in a row. Like, not just a regular mediocre day, but a really good day. Like we were a family day. And C has started saying, "Jessica, I love you." through out the day and that makes me feel better about life.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
There's No Such Thing as Other People's Children
This blog post by Glennon Doyle Melton (momastery) really touched my heart. And not because I am involved with the refugee crises. Because I am involved in foster care. The title, "There's no such thing as other people's children" hit home for me as I have one of those children in my home and I am trying to do my best by her, but so often it is so freaking hard.
She is not someone else's, she is mine. While she is with me, she is mine. We dress her like we do the others, we treat her like we do the others and we love on her like we do the others - but when it proves to be more than I can handle. More than my patience level can withstand as she pushes back at every. little. thing. I get down to her level and I say, "I love you." Because really, she is mine as much as she is her own mother's. At least for now. And I will not be sad to give her back, but until then, I will love her.
I've had a really hard time getting attached. So many people, when we started, said things like, "I could never do that. I would get too attached." And I began to doubt myself. Here I was, happily taking her to her visitation appointment because it meant there was two hours in the day where I would not need to be around her. Could I not do it because I could not get attached enough? She's hard to love, happy and friendly on the outside but defiant and pushy on the inside.
This paragraph from Glennon's post gave me heart:
"The situation is devastating, and sometimes looks hopeless. And to that we say this: People of light do not let the fact that we cannot do everything keep us from doing something. People of light concern themselves with serving instead of fixing. In the absence of long terms answers: we work. Turning away is not an option for people who have committed to the spiritual practice of showing up. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for people of light to do nothing. We can be heartbroken and confused, but we must continue to work while we are heartbroken and confused. When the world is dark: we do not hide. WE BRING THE LIGHT."
Most especially the line, "People of light concern themselves with serving instead of fixing." and I think I have forgotten that. There is a certain amount of fixing that has to happen in fostering. C is low on the communication and interaction with others type of things. Very low. I am constantly teaching her how to treat others. Re-teaching years of her fending for herself. And it's hard. And it's overwhelming. But I didn't come into this to do fixing. I did not start this journey all like, "I've got skills. I can teach children how to be kind and respectful." I came into this journey as, "I've got acceptance and patience. I have love to share." And somewhere between her not wiping herself after going poop and the stomping fits and the chasing the cat and the talking too loud and the coloring on the walls - I got overwhelmed. I came into this to serve and I think I have gotten so overwhelmed with all the teaching that I maybe have forgotten how to do the loving and that leaves me feeling as if I am failing. Because I don't feel like my teaching is changing all of a whole lot.
But the loving I can do. Despite all the frustration, I can love. And I need to remind myself that I am capable of that. Yes, it is irritating to the tenth term when I have to say, "Don't tease that cat" and when I have to stop what I am doing to take care of an issue of her not following directions - but that is all fixing stuff.
I am not a failure at this. I can do it. I just have to rearrange my perspective. And not all of the time. But some of the time. Sometimes teaching needs to take a back seat to pulling her in close and inhaling the coconut and hibiscus product we are using to tame her unruly curls.
Also, "In the absence of long term answers: we work." I am working on creating some parenting skills. Bless their hearts, but Alaska and Talmage have just been too easy. And thank goodness, I wouldn't have it any other way, but I am going to need skills and I am going to get those skills now. I am studying and practicing and working my buns off to get this little girl up to where I know she can be. I am not shutting her in her room because she is too much to handle. I am pulling her out. I am teaching. I don't know what kind of time frame we will have her for, I for sure don't have any long term answers right now, but I am working on them. Because one thing I have learned, is that short term turns into long term one day at a time. Time is going to pass whether I am doing or not. May as well be doing.
She is not someone else's, she is mine. While she is with me, she is mine. We dress her like we do the others, we treat her like we do the others and we love on her like we do the others - but when it proves to be more than I can handle. More than my patience level can withstand as she pushes back at every. little. thing. I get down to her level and I say, "I love you." Because really, she is mine as much as she is her own mother's. At least for now. And I will not be sad to give her back, but until then, I will love her.
I've had a really hard time getting attached. So many people, when we started, said things like, "I could never do that. I would get too attached." And I began to doubt myself. Here I was, happily taking her to her visitation appointment because it meant there was two hours in the day where I would not need to be around her. Could I not do it because I could not get attached enough? She's hard to love, happy and friendly on the outside but defiant and pushy on the inside.
This paragraph from Glennon's post gave me heart:
"The situation is devastating, and sometimes looks hopeless. And to that we say this: People of light do not let the fact that we cannot do everything keep us from doing something. People of light concern themselves with serving instead of fixing. In the absence of long terms answers: we work. Turning away is not an option for people who have committed to the spiritual practice of showing up. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for people of light to do nothing. We can be heartbroken and confused, but we must continue to work while we are heartbroken and confused. When the world is dark: we do not hide. WE BRING THE LIGHT."
Most especially the line, "People of light concern themselves with serving instead of fixing." and I think I have forgotten that. There is a certain amount of fixing that has to happen in fostering. C is low on the communication and interaction with others type of things. Very low. I am constantly teaching her how to treat others. Re-teaching years of her fending for herself. And it's hard. And it's overwhelming. But I didn't come into this to do fixing. I did not start this journey all like, "I've got skills. I can teach children how to be kind and respectful." I came into this journey as, "I've got acceptance and patience. I have love to share." And somewhere between her not wiping herself after going poop and the stomping fits and the chasing the cat and the talking too loud and the coloring on the walls - I got overwhelmed. I came into this to serve and I think I have gotten so overwhelmed with all the teaching that I maybe have forgotten how to do the loving and that leaves me feeling as if I am failing. Because I don't feel like my teaching is changing all of a whole lot.
But the loving I can do. Despite all the frustration, I can love. And I need to remind myself that I am capable of that. Yes, it is irritating to the tenth term when I have to say, "Don't tease that cat" and when I have to stop what I am doing to take care of an issue of her not following directions - but that is all fixing stuff.
I am not a failure at this. I can do it. I just have to rearrange my perspective. And not all of the time. But some of the time. Sometimes teaching needs to take a back seat to pulling her in close and inhaling the coconut and hibiscus product we are using to tame her unruly curls.
Also, "In the absence of long term answers: we work." I am working on creating some parenting skills. Bless their hearts, but Alaska and Talmage have just been too easy. And thank goodness, I wouldn't have it any other way, but I am going to need skills and I am going to get those skills now. I am studying and practicing and working my buns off to get this little girl up to where I know she can be. I am not shutting her in her room because she is too much to handle. I am pulling her out. I am teaching. I don't know what kind of time frame we will have her for, I for sure don't have any long term answers right now, but I am working on them. Because one thing I have learned, is that short term turns into long term one day at a time. Time is going to pass whether I am doing or not. May as well be doing.
Friday, February 5, 2016
Bottom and Back Up
It's days like these that make me question everything that I think of myself. All of my self-worth goes down the poop hole and my confidence takes flight and is perching on the telephone wires outside, waiting for it to be safe to come back in.
I screamed a lot today. A lot a lot. I knew fostering would be hard, and I knew I would have to change and I knew that would be hard - but I didn't know that before I could turn into the person I want to be, I would very likely lose my mind and become a crazy lady for a minute. But I guess sometimes you have to go where you never want to go in order to have total disdain for it. And it happened. Today it happened. I lost all control and screamed until my throat hurt.
C spent the better last half of the day in her room because I could not take the bickering, the poking, the teasing; the total disinterest in how her own actions affect others. I felt horrible about it. I am not that kind of person. I reach for teaching moments like hummingbirds reach for sugar water. But today I had enough. And I knew, as I told her that I was not going to talk to her and that she needed to stay put until I was ready to deal, that I was hitting rock bottom.
And what makes it even worse is that this morning I lathered her with attention! We read stories one-on-one for about thirty minutes and she helped me fold towels (the book mentioned that children need to feel needed. They need to have skills in order to be their happiest and most well behaved. That misbehavior comes from feeling like they don't belong). I did the two things I knew bring her to her to happiest and it still didn't work! She was still terrorizing everyone!
Instead of a teaching moment I was having a shoving moment. I was avoiding the problem and therefore avoiding the teaching that could be happing. It was one of those times where the the knot in the necklace needed to be set down to avoid the temptation of throwing it against the wall. And now, as I think of it this way, I do the same thing with babies. When the crying is too much, I think nothing of putting them down and gathering up my wits that have been scattered. What is the difference in this situation? And I think maybe it's because she's old enough to know, to be taught, and I feel like I should constantly be doing that. But today I was just broken. Tomorrow will be better and maybe I can keep her out of her room a little longer. And maybe I can keep my head together and use my whisper instead of my scream. This is all so hard. It's made me cry more than once.
***Steve got home, knew I had a rough day of it, offered to take all the kids on a drive, and I went to the gym. I got back before they did, sweaty and fulfilled after using some pent up stress energy on the elliptical. By the time C came cruising in the door, I was ready for her and took her up in a big hug and apologized for yelling. To which she replied, "Where?" Looking around as if she didn't even understand what I was telling her. Which made me all tight inside again but I just hugged her again and said, "Not where, when. This afternoon. When I was so mad. I am sorry for yelling." We hugged and she said, "I love you" and that was it. Better hopes for tomorrow.
I screamed a lot today. A lot a lot. I knew fostering would be hard, and I knew I would have to change and I knew that would be hard - but I didn't know that before I could turn into the person I want to be, I would very likely lose my mind and become a crazy lady for a minute. But I guess sometimes you have to go where you never want to go in order to have total disdain for it. And it happened. Today it happened. I lost all control and screamed until my throat hurt.
C spent the better last half of the day in her room because I could not take the bickering, the poking, the teasing; the total disinterest in how her own actions affect others. I felt horrible about it. I am not that kind of person. I reach for teaching moments like hummingbirds reach for sugar water. But today I had enough. And I knew, as I told her that I was not going to talk to her and that she needed to stay put until I was ready to deal, that I was hitting rock bottom.
And what makes it even worse is that this morning I lathered her with attention! We read stories one-on-one for about thirty minutes and she helped me fold towels (the book mentioned that children need to feel needed. They need to have skills in order to be their happiest and most well behaved. That misbehavior comes from feeling like they don't belong). I did the two things I knew bring her to her to happiest and it still didn't work! She was still terrorizing everyone!
Instead of a teaching moment I was having a shoving moment. I was avoiding the problem and therefore avoiding the teaching that could be happing. It was one of those times where the the knot in the necklace needed to be set down to avoid the temptation of throwing it against the wall. And now, as I think of it this way, I do the same thing with babies. When the crying is too much, I think nothing of putting them down and gathering up my wits that have been scattered. What is the difference in this situation? And I think maybe it's because she's old enough to know, to be taught, and I feel like I should constantly be doing that. But today I was just broken. Tomorrow will be better and maybe I can keep her out of her room a little longer. And maybe I can keep my head together and use my whisper instead of my scream. This is all so hard. It's made me cry more than once.
***Steve got home, knew I had a rough day of it, offered to take all the kids on a drive, and I went to the gym. I got back before they did, sweaty and fulfilled after using some pent up stress energy on the elliptical. By the time C came cruising in the door, I was ready for her and took her up in a big hug and apologized for yelling. To which she replied, "Where?" Looking around as if she didn't even understand what I was telling her. Which made me all tight inside again but I just hugged her again and said, "Not where, when. This afternoon. When I was so mad. I am sorry for yelling." We hugged and she said, "I love you" and that was it. Better hopes for tomorrow.
And so I Checked Out the Book
After getting the book, it just so happened that the certifier and the caseworker had to stop by to do a visit. They did a good job working with schedules and were able to come at the same time. I thought it was really thoughtful of them and felt like they were checking in on C and may have some extra information to share. Not so much. As they stood up to leave they said, "Keep doing what you're doing, you're doing fine."
I was so put out! And even more put out when talking with one of the other foster moms she explained that they were most likely casing the house to see if they could ask me to take in any more kids. The nerve!
I read a little bit of the book and in my search to find something that works, I learned a little about children that I had taken advantage of in my own children just by being a good mom and hadn't realized that C would need and I learned a things or two about her personality and why she is so highly reactive to sounds and other stimulus. Which is also really annoying. I thought it was because she had been trained to overreact to get attention, when really, her body is just wired to do that. Of course, I think we can bring it down a touch, but it feels good knowing that I don't have to eliminate it completely.
I can't get over the whole paradigm switch I am having to go through. I thought I was fostering to make a better life for a child, when in all reality, I am fostering to become a stronger, more effective parent. To become a better person. There's no way that you can foster and not be changed yourself. Not have to adjust something or learn something new. At least with the child we got landed with.
I've had a couple of days where I just about lose it and then bring it back in after reading a story with everyone and other days where I totally nail it all and feel pretty good about how the day went.
The book I flipped through had some good ideas and I wrote them down, but now I need to get up the guts to actually implement them. I did do the bedtime thing that they suggested, which I am sure I have learned before, but I just forgot. When they get up out of bed, take them by the hand without eye contact and without talking, tuck them in with a kiss and leave. I did it and it took 3x the first night, 1x the next and after that we've kicked the getting up in the stomach and it's no longer an issue.
I did have Alaska and C going to bed at the same time in the same room and they did fine and then did really bad and I haven't gotten the guts to try it again yet. Alaska has been sleeping in our bed to get to sleep and then I transfer her to her own bed every night when I go to bed. It works alright most of the time, except when Talmage has a hard time getting to sleep is making a ruckus in the closet. Because right now he is in the walk-in closet in our room. Our house is maxed out. So take that. We're going crazy enough with just one added person in our life as it is.
I was so put out! And even more put out when talking with one of the other foster moms she explained that they were most likely casing the house to see if they could ask me to take in any more kids. The nerve!
I read a little bit of the book and in my search to find something that works, I learned a little about children that I had taken advantage of in my own children just by being a good mom and hadn't realized that C would need and I learned a things or two about her personality and why she is so highly reactive to sounds and other stimulus. Which is also really annoying. I thought it was because she had been trained to overreact to get attention, when really, her body is just wired to do that. Of course, I think we can bring it down a touch, but it feels good knowing that I don't have to eliminate it completely.
I can't get over the whole paradigm switch I am having to go through. I thought I was fostering to make a better life for a child, when in all reality, I am fostering to become a stronger, more effective parent. To become a better person. There's no way that you can foster and not be changed yourself. Not have to adjust something or learn something new. At least with the child we got landed with.
I've had a couple of days where I just about lose it and then bring it back in after reading a story with everyone and other days where I totally nail it all and feel pretty good about how the day went.
The book I flipped through had some good ideas and I wrote them down, but now I need to get up the guts to actually implement them. I did do the bedtime thing that they suggested, which I am sure I have learned before, but I just forgot. When they get up out of bed, take them by the hand without eye contact and without talking, tuck them in with a kiss and leave. I did it and it took 3x the first night, 1x the next and after that we've kicked the getting up in the stomach and it's no longer an issue.
I did have Alaska and C going to bed at the same time in the same room and they did fine and then did really bad and I haven't gotten the guts to try it again yet. Alaska has been sleeping in our bed to get to sleep and then I transfer her to her own bed every night when I go to bed. It works alright most of the time, except when Talmage has a hard time getting to sleep is making a ruckus in the closet. Because right now he is in the walk-in closet in our room. Our house is maxed out. So take that. We're going crazy enough with just one added person in our life as it is.
It Will Take 3 Months
We finally got in to see a counselor. She didn't really have much to say to me other than 'sounds like you know what you're doing.' - When really, nothing could be further from the truth. But I thought I kind of knew so I rolled with it.
We were edging up on two months at that point and I was getting anxious. C's behavior was mildly improving but it was not at all predictable. While she could keep an indoor voice at home, as soon as someone came over or we went over somewhere, she had to be the loudest. Which, I mean, it's a skill that has worked for her in the past, but it is the most irritating thing in the world to me. And even more irritating that it's something that can't be practiced without the involvement and pain of someone else. I was getting really nervous about the whole situation.
Bedtime was especially hard, with too many trips to the bathroom and too many drinks of water and too many calls of, "Jessica!" My name is used out during the day, but the time 8 o'clock comes around I am so done it is not even funny.
The counselor assured me that due to her 'mild situation' that it would take her about 3 months to fully adjust. This was heaven to me, knowing that I still had another week and a month to get this girl up to where I needed her. But as that week came and went and another week started things seemed to get progressively worse. Her tantrums and outbursts were rubbing off onto Talmage and Alaska and Talmage was beginning to scowl at anything that did not immediately please him. C would not follow directions and I was always doing a tug-of-war with her. Timeouts were useless, earning warm fuzzies was useless, taking away privileges was not even worth the effort it took to come up with them and deal with the crying and whining that ensued.
Our certifier suggested I check out a book from the library on positive discipline and my first thought was, "Discipline doesn't even work for this one! I need something more effective." It took me another week to actually get around to doing it.
It was two weeks after seeing the counselor when things weren't really progressing and it felt like we were sliding backwards. I was all up in a panic and needed answers and this is when I made a special trip to the library to grab the book the certifier has suggested.
I also messaged the caseworker at this point, explaining my concerns and asking for help. She returned me to the certifier and I figured I had better just go get the book.
We were edging up on two months at that point and I was getting anxious. C's behavior was mildly improving but it was not at all predictable. While she could keep an indoor voice at home, as soon as someone came over or we went over somewhere, she had to be the loudest. Which, I mean, it's a skill that has worked for her in the past, but it is the most irritating thing in the world to me. And even more irritating that it's something that can't be practiced without the involvement and pain of someone else. I was getting really nervous about the whole situation.
Bedtime was especially hard, with too many trips to the bathroom and too many drinks of water and too many calls of, "Jessica!" My name is used out during the day, but the time 8 o'clock comes around I am so done it is not even funny.
The counselor assured me that due to her 'mild situation' that it would take her about 3 months to fully adjust. This was heaven to me, knowing that I still had another week and a month to get this girl up to where I needed her. But as that week came and went and another week started things seemed to get progressively worse. Her tantrums and outbursts were rubbing off onto Talmage and Alaska and Talmage was beginning to scowl at anything that did not immediately please him. C would not follow directions and I was always doing a tug-of-war with her. Timeouts were useless, earning warm fuzzies was useless, taking away privileges was not even worth the effort it took to come up with them and deal with the crying and whining that ensued.
Our certifier suggested I check out a book from the library on positive discipline and my first thought was, "Discipline doesn't even work for this one! I need something more effective." It took me another week to actually get around to doing it.
It was two weeks after seeing the counselor when things weren't really progressing and it felt like we were sliding backwards. I was all up in a panic and needed answers and this is when I made a special trip to the library to grab the book the certifier has suggested.
I also messaged the caseworker at this point, explaining my concerns and asking for help. She returned me to the certifier and I figured I had better just go get the book.
Sometimes, You Just Have to Hold 'Em
Being a momma is hard. Most especially being a momma to a foster. I held C for a hour tonight as she cried and cried. Usually I would have sent anyone who was crying that long to their room to wail it out, but deep in my heart, past the annoyance that an hour of crying can develop, I knew she needed to be held. She has been so happy since she has come to us. She has only asked about mom once or twice and she asks about her sisters and brother only at night when she is stalling the light going off.
This is the first time I have seen her cry and it came in spurts of her straining her legs and screaming inside. I tried to get her to talk about it but she just wanted to cry. And I couldn't just let her do it on her own. I felt that if I could hold her, I could absorb some of the feelings she was having. That this was something she didn't have to go alone. Goodness knows she's been through so much already. The homesickness hit her hard tonight.
As I sat there, looking at what my life really looks like from the view of the couch, I felt the overwhelming peace that has come a few times since we've gotten her and I know I am doing what I am meant to do.
Sitting on a couch holding an inconsolable child. Others may not think that is much. That things that contribute more to society would be greater accomplishments. But here I am, holding a girl who just needs to be held and I have been given the most precious opportunity to give something that only I can give. A gift that not even her own mother could give.
All my holding must have worked a little because when she was through whimpering I got up to get her a tissue and she fell asleep on the couch. I am grateful for my own children, that they have taken this added member of the family in stride. While I was holding C, Alaska and Talmage were entertaining themselves by feeding each other crackers on the floor at my feet. Those two - they are something else.
This is the first time I have seen her cry and it came in spurts of her straining her legs and screaming inside. I tried to get her to talk about it but she just wanted to cry. And I couldn't just let her do it on her own. I felt that if I could hold her, I could absorb some of the feelings she was having. That this was something she didn't have to go alone. Goodness knows she's been through so much already. The homesickness hit her hard tonight.
As I sat there, looking at what my life really looks like from the view of the couch, I felt the overwhelming peace that has come a few times since we've gotten her and I know I am doing what I am meant to do.
Sitting on a couch holding an inconsolable child. Others may not think that is much. That things that contribute more to society would be greater accomplishments. But here I am, holding a girl who just needs to be held and I have been given the most precious opportunity to give something that only I can give. A gift that not even her own mother could give.
All my holding must have worked a little because when she was through whimpering I got up to get her a tissue and she fell asleep on the couch. I am grateful for my own children, that they have taken this added member of the family in stride. While I was holding C, Alaska and Talmage were entertaining themselves by feeding each other crackers on the floor at my feet. Those two - they are something else.
Our Very Own Christmas Tradition
Alaska and I were talking about when Santa will come and how Christmas is when we celebrate Jesus' birthday. She excitedly said, "We should get Him presents!" and in the same breath and in somber tones she followed up with, "But we can't. He's not here. He's in our hearts."
It's astonishing how "momma moments" happen. "Yes, you're right. Jesus is in our hearts. And because He's in our hearts, He loves presents like acts of kindness and love and watching out for others and making sure they are ok." Her quick little mind worked like magic and she piped up, "I shared. At the gym. With my friends."
And then my first original tradition was born. We wrapped up a birthday present for Jesus in Christmas wrapping and wrote down her act of kindness and put it in the box. The lid comes off and on and it will be our new tradition to write down the kind things we do for the month of December to give as a gift to Jesus on Christmas day.
It's astonishing how "momma moments" happen. "Yes, you're right. Jesus is in our hearts. And because He's in our hearts, He loves presents like acts of kindness and love and watching out for others and making sure they are ok." Her quick little mind worked like magic and she piped up, "I shared. At the gym. With my friends."
And then my first original tradition was born. We wrapped up a birthday present for Jesus in Christmas wrapping and wrote down her act of kindness and put it in the box. The lid comes off and on and it will be our new tradition to write down the kind things we do for the month of December to give as a gift to Jesus on Christmas day.
Sometimes You Just Gotta
Sometimes you just gotta follow your heart. We've been certified for foster care and there has hardly been a second where I have not been totally in love with the hard work, the patience, the re-teaching and the extra chaos it has brought into my life.
I've been scratching thoughts down on pieces of paper - things that I want to talk about. Things that I need to think more about. And they got lost. So here I am, starting from nothing, but starting none-the-less. Because this is a journey that should probably be documented.
The biggest change that I noticed right away came in the change of vocabulary. No longer are my kids referred to as 'both' - with the addition of C we now use the word 'all'. Which makes it seem like so many! "All" is used for 7 kids, 5 kids - and yes, even just 3.
My brain is just now starting to get back to normal. I was so stressed I was having pregnancy brain all over the place, only they should call it 'add a new child to your family brain.' It was absolutely insane. I couldn't remember where my keys were, if I had put clothes away or if they were still sitting in a pile on the couch.
I couldn't keep dates and times straight and if the event wasn't written in my phone with a reminder attached to it, it wasn't happening. We're talking normal things that happen every single week like mutual. I totally forgot about it!
I had said yes to a substitute job a week or so before and totally forgot about it until my dad texted me, asking me where I was. And even then, I didn't remember what he was talking about. I thought he was asking when I was coming by to pick up the background checks. I hustled to school and the kids were so nice about it and I was so sorry and anxious and flustered from totally forgetting that I had to turn around to compose myself and keep the tears from running. Weird stuff like this is happening.
I've been scratching thoughts down on pieces of paper - things that I want to talk about. Things that I need to think more about. And they got lost. So here I am, starting from nothing, but starting none-the-less. Because this is a journey that should probably be documented.
The biggest change that I noticed right away came in the change of vocabulary. No longer are my kids referred to as 'both' - with the addition of C we now use the word 'all'. Which makes it seem like so many! "All" is used for 7 kids, 5 kids - and yes, even just 3.
My brain is just now starting to get back to normal. I was so stressed I was having pregnancy brain all over the place, only they should call it 'add a new child to your family brain.' It was absolutely insane. I couldn't remember where my keys were, if I had put clothes away or if they were still sitting in a pile on the couch.
I couldn't keep dates and times straight and if the event wasn't written in my phone with a reminder attached to it, it wasn't happening. We're talking normal things that happen every single week like mutual. I totally forgot about it!
I had said yes to a substitute job a week or so before and totally forgot about it until my dad texted me, asking me where I was. And even then, I didn't remember what he was talking about. I thought he was asking when I was coming by to pick up the background checks. I hustled to school and the kids were so nice about it and I was so sorry and anxious and flustered from totally forgetting that I had to turn around to compose myself and keep the tears from running. Weird stuff like this is happening.
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