In all my expertise of reading a (1) parenting book and watching a webinar I have run into good ideas and conflicting things that children are after. As if it were so simple to say, "There are two things that kids need." Rather than the bajillion that they actually do. Or even better, "There are three things that children need." What's so hard about that?
It's all great words of wisdom, but it makes you wonder, who actually knows what they're talking about, right? Who gets more points and credibility for being the most in-tune? Of course, children are so complex, that it's not even fair to weigh on that kind of criteria. But it still makes me bristle to think that someone can claim that children only need two things and then for it to be wrong, actually children need the other two things. Two things is a high stake to try and pull off.
Basically, children need attention - everyone agrees on that. And they also need a toss up of power and belonging. Some more power than others. C is definitely a power person and it has been interesting to see her progression as I give her the power she so desperately asks for in all the wrong ways.
I am not a person who discusses which clothes are going to be worn for the day or which hair pretty is going to be worn for the day. When it comes to appearance there is no option but to slip into what I have set out on the couch. That's just the way it is. And I realize my kids are missing out on valuable life lessons by doing this, but it's something I don't care to change right now. There are other things that I am more lax about. Like chicken nuggets or sandwiches for lunch, or to read stories first or brush teeth first. The more choices I can give C in a day, the better she does. It is amazing how simple the choice of "you can walk to your room by yourself for a time out or I can hold your hand and take you to your room for a time out." She can honestly put on a smile when she has the choice to walk by herself when before the choices were an option I would have been given the stomp of a foot.
Right now I am trying to eliminate the time out, but when she has colored on yet another thing that shouldn't be colored on it's all I can do to not lose it. I should probably be putting myself in time out, but I believe that would have the same consequences as when I get on the phone or go to the bathroom - all of a sudden everyone is interested and I spend more energy telling people to go away than I do in actually doing my task. Note to self, work on that. I know that I can train them to leave me alone if I say a couple of key words, gotta come up with those words.
Back to the choices, though. It is really just incredible that change in her disposition. And sometimes she delays in her decision making to stall her consequences but when she does that I ask her if she would like to choose for her and usually that hurries her up. One time she surprised me and said that she did want me to choose for her. Her choice was 'walk down the stairs' or 'have a time out'. I chose walk down the stairs for her because time outs are 'no fun'. She agreed and sulked down the stairs, but down she went anyway. It's magic. I wish I was better at it. But I am practicing.
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