Sound Trigger

I counseling with C every week. Since last May. Not always for her. For me. I mean, she comes all the time and she does her bit and then the last 10 minutes the counselor checks in with me and we discuss the hard parts of the last week and things like that. If I miss a week, I feel it. I have less tolerance, less patience and a lot of just built up, "What the heck are you thinking?!"

A couple weeks ago the counselor says to me, "Do you think sound could be a trigger for her?" Despite her being loud herself, I watched and listened carefully. 

And yup. There it was. The kids playing in the bedroom. The kids playing in the living room. Setting the table for dinner. Getting in the car. Getting out of the car. 

"C. Stop. C stop! Stop it!!!!!!" And this repeated itself quite a few times that day, different location, same players, same lines. And the next day. And well, there's our pattern.

So I guess this is the part where foster care becomes a family thing. The part where your very own children learn compassion, empathy and skills that will be with them forever. When your children are no longer bystanders in the evolution of managing difficult behavior but are right there, understanding and changing it. 

At dinner that night we talked about triggers. What they are. What they make people's bodies and actions do. What causes them. 

How not listening the first time triggers yelling.
How yelling triggers hurt feelings. 

And then we talked about using all of our words that we have. Like instead of saying, "stop it" how it's important to say, "stop bumping me." And even more important, after talking to the counselor again, to say it in the positive. "Please step away."

I won't say things are perfect and changed over this past week. But we're going the right way. And it's exhausting. Keeping up with it all and being sick. I am worn out. 

Also, on a very personal level, it hurts. It hurts seeing your own mild child escalating into an unnatural volume. C is overwhelming on many different levels and I guess I should give more credit where it is due to Alaska for being a friend. For seeing the good over the hard. I know if they were in the same kindergarten class, Alaska would navigate herself away from C and find someone quieter. A classmate not constantly in her personal space. Bless her heart. It just makes me all the more grateful to her. But also grateful for C. That we can have this learning experience in our very own home so that when Alaska does go to kindergarten next year and has to sit next to the wiggliest boy to separate him from his friends, she'll know what to do. She'll know to use all of her words and hopefully something else. A calm, "look at my eyes." So she knows she has the attention she needs to make her wishes known and not have to repeat it three times and yell and make a ruckus. And maybe C will learn to listen the first time. At least when focused enough to be looking at a peer's eyes.