For the Most Part

For the most part Alaska is pleasant to be around. Gummy smiles with her tongue all poking out, squinty Chinese eyes to make room for all the happiness that fills her round cheeks and enough energy to astonish any caffeine consuming college student.

But sometimes it's more than I can take. I try to remember that every time she gets up from a nap her world has started over. The bawling and grumpy faces are a thing of the past and her momma's patient patting while she screamed with the consistency of woodpecker after his dinner was all a great bonding experience. Fussing in my ear, on my shoulder, in my arms, turned on her belly in my lap, all the while creating memories. Memories that she won't remember but I hope that subconsciously will make a difference.

What she doesn't realize is that time does not start over so easily for me. A bad night turns into a bad morning which turns into a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day (name that book) of frustration. I try not to let it go much further, but sometimes, really, I just don't want her company, no matter how big she smiles up at me after a 2 hour nap that was preceded by a hour and half of crying.

For instance, Alaska was up every two hours last night. I know. Poor me. Life of a momma. But really. It takes her 15-20 minutes to eat 'cause she's kinda lazy about it at night, even with the easy breaziness of a bottle. And then another 22 minutes of patting to get her back to sleep and even then it's not always enough to knock her out so that I can put her down. So it's either we fall asleep in the chair all cold and stiff or I take her to bed where it's at least warm, but still stiff as I lay absolutely still with her on my stomach. And then last night during the two hours that we lay in bed, not snuggling, it was out of pure necessity that we were under the covers together, she was squirmy and whiny even there, every 30 minutes and I would pat-pat her back to snoozing.

By 5 I had enough and was on the verge of letting her scream in her crib. I woke Handsome Husband out of his slumber and shoved the bottle I had just made into his hand and gave him instructions to take care of her. I needed at least 2 hours of undisturbed sleep on my side in order to make it through until her nap. And there was no nap until 1:30 today. The latest she's ever gone down. It was a worrisome morning to be sure. After her nap things didn't go so well either and by the time Steven came home from work I had tears in my eyes and he took her. I needed more than just for her to be taken by someone else, I needed her out. He took her visiting with him and came back to report that she had been on perfect behavior. Of course she had.

Steven kept her for the rest of the night while I typed furiously, venting and then when her crying got to be a little too much I retired to bed where I read The Last Song for a hour and a half before I felt unwound enough to get to sleep.

Now I am finishing up this post in the morning and things went much better last night with Steven getting up with me and making the bottle. He handed it to me, exclaiming, "We haven't even made it to midnight yet?!" Nope. We left her sleeping in the swing and when she woke up at 2:30 I got up by myself, taking my own sweet time to get her bottle and visit the bathroom before taking care of her. I may still have been a little bitter. We fell asleep together until 5 and I gathered up our bottle making materials one more time, fed, changed a diaper and played with her. Rocked her in the swing and she was asleep by 6 when I could finally crawl back into my own bed and get a cuddle before Handsome Husband got up for work.

And now she's up again, happily kicking around on the floor and I am rested and ready to spend a day inside. Yes, it snowed. And is still snowing. I was going to go to an art exhibit today but after yesterday changed my mind. And then I was going to go for a long walk but after the wet morning that I woke up to I changed my mind.

For the most part Alaska is pleasant to be with. We all have our moments. Our days. I love that little girl and have such high hopes for her. She really is my best friend right now. I hope that I can remember the feeling of simply not wanting her company. I wasn't really mad. Just kind of tired and discouraged. I wouldn't have wanted her to take it personally. I had just been pushed to the end and it would have happened if it were her or anyone else. I hope that I can remember it and not feel rejected when she's a teenager and there are days where she just doesn't want my company. For whatever reason, I know that we'll both feel it at times in our lives as we grow together where we just need our space. That's just life.