Painting and Flooring

I was so excited to get our house, to start fixing it up. Not necessarily to make it our own - but to literally make it livable and by that means, make it our own. We tore up all the floors one week and found three floors in the kitchen, two in the entry way and two in the dining area. The carpets were probably originals in the bedrooms and the carpet in the hall had been replaced once. It was some nasty stuff. 

I was so 'for sure' about which flooring I was going to put down after searching through pinterest and then found some nasty reviews on it later. So I don't suppose we'll go that route. Lots of people are using the flooring from COSTCO that snaps together - the luxury vinyl. They only have a few select colors, though, and none of them are what I am in love with. So we looked a little at Home Depot and have plans to look at the local floor covering store in our small town. 

Painting is honestly making me so nervous. I'm not super familiar with it - just know that it takes a lot of time. A lot of prep, a lot of time doing it, and a lot of clean-up. I am not super excited to get going on it. Steve is absolutely set on spray painting everything with primer - the Killz kind that keeps out oder and stains and prevents mildew. Not a bad idea, but it's one more step. And then I finally landed on a paint color called Hailstorm gray from Home Depot. It changes pretty dramatically in all of the rooms, dependent on the light - but all the changes are shades that I can deal with so we are moving forward. (3) 5 gallon buckets later. It's probably too much. Probably should have just done (2) 5 gallons buckets and a couple of gallon buckets. But it's done now. This whole thing. It just has me up in a tizzy and I can't even think straight while at the store. 

5 Months with Axton

Favorite Things: A little attention for you goes a long way. I would definitely say you're favorite thing is smiling. You are always smiling. Even sometimes at nothing or sometimes if someone's face is turned toward you but they're not really looking at you.

Special Talent: A predictable roll. Rolls are a thing that you can do now, predictably. Still no direction, but I can count on you twisting and turning within a 3 foot radius.

Favorite Pastime: Watching everything that is going on. You are so pleasant to be around that it's not uncommon to find a sibling handing you a toy or I will get on the floor with you, just to be with you.

Sleep: Naps are still all over the place. I need to put in the time to read my nap bible - healthy sleep habits, happy kids. It's what I use to get us all on a schedule of rest. It works brilliantly and Talmage is still taking naps, and can take naps at other people's houses, because of it.

Crying: Not a whole lot. We've cut down on the crying when you are tired by feeding you to sleep.

Dislikes: Being put-off. You go into hysterics. Especially at night because I am trying to get the other two bed and you are hungry at the same time and if I am not fulfilling your needs than you can throw yourself into a fit that takes you a good, long while to come down from.

Likes: Nana was making capes for Christmas and you got ahold of some of the extra, silky fabric. You love feeling that in your mouth.

My Favorite Part: Your happy personality. I will not take this for granted. It is our saving grace right now. And your eyes, still. They have changed from their gray to making me think maybe you will be our hazel-eyed babe. They are definitely taking their time turning brown if that is what they are getting at.

The One Where We Bought a House

We bought a house. My dreams and ambitions were keeping me up at night in terrifying fits. I couldn't continue what I was doing in our 2 bedroom apartment. I couldn't continue with foster care and I definitely never planned on raising a family in an apartment complex. Lots of tears and prayers later - a house happened.

A few highlights: I thought the house we would pick would feel like home upon our first entrance. A 'this is it' feeling - right? It didn't. Instead, we went and looked at houses on a Thursday or a Friday. Top of our price range houses, all of them listed as 3 bedrooms. None of them were what I would consider home. Neighbors too close. And the house that had the most property attached to it was a fixer-upper from the get-go. We had to do our first two quickly because there were still people living there and we had to have an appointment and then be out. That pace continued for the whole process - when we had done this before it was like we were trying the house on every time and looked each one over up and down and in and out. This time we were basically just checking through bedrooms - my mind fixed on, "Can I fit a bunk bed and two dressers in here?" I had an agenda.

I learned that there was no way I could stand being on a standard block with neighbors on either side. It left me feeling like I couldn't breathe, even when outside.

All these things weighed on me as I thought about the 6 or 7 houses we saw that night. I knew we didn't need to choose from those. There was time. But I couldn't get one of them off my mind. It gave me a race of excitement when I thought about it. It was an updater, for sure, but it was a corner lot in a neighborhood of retired folks. And that made the difference for me. I didn't remember any of the details of it, other than it needed some updating but seemed to be in decent shape. Being the worst house on the block gave us an advantage of getting into a good neighborhood and the ability to make it better, no matter what we did. It was also being sold as a 3 bedroom, when honestly, it is a 4 bedroom. And instead of a garage, it has a great room where there would have been a garage. It's a diy'ers dream. It's my dream. The possibilities are amazing.

We put an offer in on it that following Tuesday after stewing around on it over the weekend. I wasn't super attached and wasn't even sure if they would take our offer. We went $5k under asking price and asked for them to cover $6,500 of closing costs. Sellers aren't covering closings costs any more, our realtor told us. But we needed them to. So we said a prayer, fasted, and on Wednesday found out they had accepted our offer. We called up an inspector to give us a thorough report and found loads of things wrong with it. If this weren't our first house, we would probably have been intimidated. But naive and fresh, we lowered our offer another 10k. The inspector, before he left, gave us the advice, "Not going to lie. This house has quite the handful of problems." And we nodded and agreed and worried. And were a little scared. Probably most houses just have one or two things wrong with them - this thing had a 17 page report.

More prayers and fasting and they came back with a counter offer, taking only $5k off the price instead of the $10k that we had asked for. And we had a decision to make. With which we decided, sure, what the heck. Yes. It as built in 79, but while all this was going on, we were thinking it was built in 71. Which means that there was a very real probability of it having lead paint. More fasting and praying. That there wouldn't be any lead paint. It was a test of faith and Steven went and talked to all the neighbors he could get ahold of by knocking on doors, asking about the history of the houses and when they were built and what products were used in other people's homes. No lead paint. And nice neighbors that were happy to talk. It was amazing. I fell in love with the community that this street had created. A lead paint test by a professional to prove it as legitimate would cost $600. We weren't doing that.

We put an offer in, Sept 26th and were given the keys Nov. 21st. Almost 2 months. And I don't know how people have real jobs and buy a house. I did a lot of running around. A lot of phone calls. It was a full-time job. It was terrifying - talking about all the numbers that go into this kind of thing - and those numbers represent dollars. But I just continued on, knowing it would all end up ok in the end. Our loan ended up with a 4.1% interest rate, as opposed to the 3.65% we were expecting. But whatever. Can't change that. We also got slammed with a $2k flood insurance per year. That bumped up our mortgage a considerable amount and on our 'to-do' list is to get an elevation certificate to prove that we aren't as huge of a risk of flooding as they think we are. We would still have to have flood insurance, but it wouldn't be as expensive.

The numbers kept getting bigger and the costs for us kept adding up. No one talks much about how much money you have to put up for a house, not including the actual payments. Thank goodness we had the grace of my parents to meet us where we couldn't. They matched what we were able to put in and that saved us. We used that much and a little more for the downpayment. We payed $365 for an inspection report, $150 for a sewage scope, $700 for an appraisal and then had to pay our first year of flood insurance up front, $2,163. There were a lot of heightened heart beats and a lot of looks of, "Are we really doing this?" But we are. And we did. And we made our first half of the mortgage payment yesterday. We'll be on a schedule to pay half on the 15th and the other half on the 1st. This is supposed to take off a lot of interest in the long run. And to round things off, we're doing a $900 payment each time. This will force us to pay an extra $40 a month. That is maybe $200 shy of Steven's whole pay check.

We've done this before. When we were first married. We can do it again. 3 children makes it a little complicated, but I am going to make this work. I would rather be strapped like this now than later. Right now we are at the top of the pay scale for Les Schwab, so the only way to get more money is for a career change. Which Steven has been kicking around for a while, so this will be our catapult. Here's to making changes. And we've got a house to update before we take in any fosters, which I have already cried about. But it's better to put the time in now than to not be able to put that time in, ever, for lack of space.

4 months with Axton

Favorite Things: You love yourself some lotion. It gives you the giggles when I rub it on your face, those round little cheeks, and down into your neck.

Special Talent: Laughter. You are laughing and it is just the most adorable.

Favorite Pastime:  Being on your tummy. You are the first baby I have ever had that prefers your front to your back when on the floor.

Sleep: Golden. We are so golden. You go to bed around 7:30, right after the 'big kids'. And wake up again 12 hours later. Your naps are still very sparatic but I have nailed you down for a 9:30 am fussy time that means you are tired. And then again around 1 pm.

Crying: You have to cry to get to sleep. Even if I am holding you with binkie ready, you have to fuss about it. But you are pretty chipper for the most part.

Dislikes: Loud noises.

Likes: People paying attention to you. You always reward them with a big, gummy smile that reaches all the way into your eyes.

My Favorite Part: We bought a house. Yup. It's a big deal around here. And you have been a champ about hanging around while I work on fixing it up for us. You hang out on the floor, which I layer with towels and then a blanket for you. You practice rolling over and just watching what is going on around you.

3 Months with Axton

Favorite Things: Your swing. You love this thing! And I love it. I can put you in it and you will instantly go to sleep. It is our secret weapon.

Special Talent: You love some tummy time. You don't even mind being left there for awhile.

Favorite Pastime: Eating. You are eating. A lot. Almost basically up to 8 oz a bottle.

Sleep: You sleep through the night and your naps are done in the swing. I can count on you for one huge one - so long as I keep that swing rocking. I can put you down in it and get Talmage set up for a nap and then take a nap myself and then when I wake up I can turn the swing off and you will wake up.

Crying: Never. Unless you have to wait your turn and you think it's an emergency. I do a good job of getting to you and not letting you get worked up. But when you do get worked up because I am taking care of someone else it takes you a hot minute to calm down again enough to eat. Because that's usually your problem. You think you are starving.

Dislikes: You love EVERYTHING! We thought Talmage was a chill baby. You make him look like high maintenance! I love, love, love you! You make being a mom that easiest job.

Likes: Being on the floor. I can count on you to be happy on the floor for a very, very long time. Your head is lopsided because for the longest time you have been looking to your left. And the gravity and your smushy skull has been no good for you. I have been trying to correct it by laying you down and then putting things off to your right shoulder for you to look at. Or even putting you in front of the couch so that your only way of looking out and about is over your right shoulder.

My Favorite Part: Your gray eyes. I have been waiting for them to turn brown - checking your eyes every time I feed you a bottle because I don't want to miss it. But they aren't. Right now they are a dark gray. A 'rain on the sidewalk' type of dark gray.

Gratitude Being Enough

The Sunday after everything went down and blew up in my hands I was off to my parents' ward. John was giving a talk and even though he didn't want everyone there - he wanted me there. I took Talmage and I went. I stayed the whole time, going to Sunday School and Relief Society. And what would you know. The topic was marriage and family between the two of them. I wasn't in the mood, but I took note and listened with my heart.

The second Sunday after everything went down and blew up in my hands we were to Steven's parents' ward for Megan's returning from the mission talk - what's that, her mission report? Anyways. What happened there was incredible. A wonderful talk was given on gratitude. And it was a lesson that I wish I could give to myself again and again.

The speaker started by telling a story of Christ. When He was giving his sermon on the mount. So many people wanted to hear what he had to say. There were hundreds. And they were getting hungry. They had been listening for so long. Drinking in everything that he had to teach, but they were getting hungry. Christ did not panic. He remained calm and said, "Bring me what you have." The apostles were worried and apologetic. Seven loaves and a handful of fish were all the people had among them. Christ did not worry. He blessed what they had in gratitude and the food was multiplied so that everyone was able to eat. Because of his gratitude, he had enough.

There is something beautiful in every situation. In every hard day there is something worth noticing. And I thought about my situation. Of how there was so much sad and hurt happening and then I thought about how this is what had to happen to finally get us into counseling. We've needed counseling for a long time and now - finally - it was going to happen.

That day's blessing was my three dark haired children sitting beside me at church. Their hair and eyes seemed extra chocolatey because they were all dressed in white. Talmage in beige shorts and a white polo and Alaska in her white crocheted dress with all the lace. Axton in a gray romper with large, white polka dots. The moment that I remember looking down on them, Talmage was holding Axton and kissing his little head while Alaska sat beside the two of them - alert to the bishopric member opening the meeting.

Give gratitude. Kneel down and give thanks. When we can see the sunlight in the darkness, the good in the bad - that is when learning has occurred and life can continue on.

And the third Sunday. Heavenly Father knows that my heart is especially good at listening on Sunday. It is this day that I think of the things that are so close and dear to my heart and how to get those things and keep them.

We had a wonderful lesson in Young Womens based on the song, "I Will Be What I Believe" by Blake Gillette - after which we watched the music video. It was a powerful message of taking heart in our heritage of believers and standing up for what we believe. In my case, persevering and making it happen. I believe in Eternal Families and because I believe it - I will be an Eternal Family through the covenants I have made. The world would have me believe that when things get hard, discard. But through the blessings I know that are mine this hard part that I am doing right now will be made right in the end. Getting on our knees and praying for guidance takes a lot of bravery and trust as we follow the clear and true feelings of the spirit.

Satan is attacking the families. He has been doing that for a long time. If the family can be destroyed then the rest of society will disintegrate as well. I was reminded of another song lyric from when I was a youth. "I will not be causality in this war I didn't start." I will keep my family together. I will return to live with my Heavenly Father and I will do it with my husband by my side.

Some Counseling

I was totally and completely furious. Furious when Steven told me that there had been promotion opportunities that he had not applied for. I felt utterly betrayed and I cannot imagine feeling any differently than if he had cheated on me. It was the highest level of betrayal and I don't appreciate anyone telling me differently. Those are my feelings and they are real. All of my future was relying on that promotion. That move. I had been living with my hand hovering over the 'go' button for five years and then to find out that the 'go' button had been disconnected all together without me knowing was a huge shock to my system. To my trust. The only thing that I could think of to do back that would hurt in the same way was to leave. To just leave and take the kids. And that is a scary feeling. To be so hurt. So mad. So lost that I was willing to break a family. My family. Willing to tear my family apart for revenge of a hurt heart. It was an extremely powerful and very real feeling. And it was near paralyzing to have an emotion that strong ripping through my body.

A feeling of revenge doesn't sit well with me. That is small thinking. A feeling of calling it done and everyone knowing full and well beforehand that my line has been drawn is one thing. But to take off for revenge just didn't feel good. So I stayed. I screamed and I cried and I stayed. I woke up nights with Axton and couldn't get back to sleep. I screamed and cried those nights, too. After two of them I told Steven I wasn't doing it anymore. He would need to get up with Axton because I wasn't being able to get back to sleep. And bless his heart that I hated at that time. He did it.

Steven called LDS services for some marriage counseling. And I shut my mouth. I couldn't even talk. It was the silent treatment for a week. Nothing kind was on my mind and life was not going well. I was pretty much done. Just making it day to day. My heart was broken over my girls. My heart was full with a new baby. My heart was up and down and all over the place and I was mad. Mad that life was not where I wanted it to be and maddest that it for sure wasn't going anywhere fast. And I was stuck. Something I have never been before. I would consider myself pretty resilient and pretty flexible to make things work out one way or another - but this time. It was done. I was stuck.

We got to counseling and it was relieving. It was a hour and a half of talking about Steven and I and our relationship and our history and anything anyone would want to know. It was an emotional time, although I was still mad enough that I didn't have a lot of emotion to share. The lady was a little too, I don't even know. Too something. Too inquisitive. Too touchy-feely. We didn't go back. Not for the money that we would need to shell out when we had big, fat problems that were very general. Perhaps we'll go back when we are ready to fine-tune our relationship. But not right now. I called up our health insurance, found out they didn't cover marriage counseling, but the employee assistance program would cover it. 100%. 4 sessions for me. 4 sessions for Steven. And that would start over in January. I was optimistic that we could get our lives headed in the right direction in 8 weeks. It felt like forever, but it needed to be started somewhere.

After that first counseling session, things opened up. We were going to make it. A heartfelt talk and a good cry and commitment was on my lips again. Not love. But commitment. We would get through this and things would be ok. As much as I would want a present mother and father in my kids' lives - I wanted this to work mostly for me. I wanted to be have a relationship that worked well and that I love.

Among all these things happening - there were some noteworthy Sundays that softened my heart. When I was in church, where I could concentrate on what my faith looks like and what makes it strong and what makes my testimony as strong as it is and what that testimony is made of - that's where I found my strength to keep poking along. Those Sundays that were so hard for me because of the weeks that I had just endured of having a new baby and wanting more for my life. But I showed up for them and for some reason there was always something that always spoke directly to my heart. Piercing it with truth and understanding. And I knew it was all going to be ok. It was going to be uncomfortable, but it was going to be ok.

A Big Fat Beef

I have a beef to take up with someone. In this case. My own thoughts.

You want to know something absolutely ridiculous? Something that has been on my mind for awhile - but must be said before I go into the rest of my story of how 'the beginning to my end' is going to play out.

I am really bothered by the notion of Mormon culture teaching and re-teaching this idea of pushing through. Making it to the top at all costs. And I suppose - yes - making it to the top is fine and good. But it also needs to be taught about when to toss in the rag, call it done. Call it good. When to say, "enough is enough" and to put a pause in it all as we make some decisions. And if our decision says, "call it quits" then it should be respected and not be-littled.

This has been lingering on my mind for a few months and then I attended Time Out for Women (TOFW) and Sheri Dew gave a spiritual thought about running and making it up a hill before her husband. She knew she was strong on hills and offered the challenge of a race up the hill. She was doing well and was winning when her husband passed her, hardly exerting any effort. She let him pass and then announced, "I'm going back to the car. See you there." She would rather give-up than allow herself to lose. He caught her by the shoulder and says, "You never turn around in the middle of a hill." And up the hill she went. And of course, naturally, saw the most glorious sunset she would have missed if she had gone back. Always. Always a sunrise or a sunset. Made me shudder.

This little story made my blood boil. Literally. It has been 4 years since I have been to the last TOFW because honestly - I don't need to be told what to do. I don't need to be encouraged to keep pushing. I am already pushing. I am already going as hard as I can. I need to be applauded for the work that I am doing and celebrated for the hard. Not to be told, "Dude - you can't be turning back." I wanted to walk out to show my disdain for her little speech, but stayed put because I knew there would be something worthwhile. That just wasn't the piece for me this time. Maybe someone else needed that. Someone else who didn't learn that as a child. I was so angry that I was being told this, as a grown woman. When no. I am a grown woman and don't need to be told to push through. I can put my feet down and say, "No thanks." And it made me think.  You know what we should really be teaching our daughters? We should be teaching them to listen to their bodies. To their hearts and minds and to know when yes, matter of fact, it is time to let this one go.

So my story. My 'beginning to my end' is a little bit reliant on the idea of yeah - you've got to stand up for yourself. And you've got to make things happen. And sometimes you need to pause your journey up that dumb hill to figure things out and if you need to turn around and head on down the hill, then that takes strength, too.

This Is the One Where I Fall Flat On My Face

I wrote this back in September. But, like most things, it's hard to talk about them when they are happening. It is much easier to talk about trials after they have happened and you and know everything works out ok. That there is a 'happy ending' to cushion all the hurt that was happening. So. This is it. This is the beginning to my ending.

****************************

I am such an idiot. So, so, so stupid. I want to break things. I want to scream. I want to pull everything out of the pantry and throw it at the wall and let it fall. Let it make a mess. It would only scratch the surface of what I am feeling. A physical mess to represent the emotional mess that I am inside.

It's like I have woken up to my 'life' and I hate it. I hate this small apartment most of all. I hate that my husband can't make a decision and go with it. I hate when the kitchen is messy. It's now 5:00 a.m. and I have been up for the past 2 hours. My mind won't stop. I can't stop thinking about what I can do to change my situation that I find myself in and the hopeless feeling that brings because there isn't a whole lot.

Things have slowly been getting worse and worse. We've needed counseling for years, but it was just easier to not address the subject. The subject of a marriage falling apart. And why not.

It started with the two of us arguing about money. Which, of course, who doesn't. But it was bad. I am trying so hard to save for a house and am getting zero support in that. For the longest time I was making ends meet with the money that I was able to make by subbing, doing orders, dove releases, whatever it was. And that was fine. Because it kept us from talking about money. I was able to get nice clothes for the kids. Which is important to me. And things for our home, which was also important because it made me feel like 'this is mine.' But I wasn't able to save for a house. Not at all.

And then, we started doing foster care. And it's not a whole lot that you get from that. It's a reimbursement of taking care of an extra child. And believe me. It is especially not a lot for that first month where you are starting from scratch. New clothes, special food, in our last case, bed sheets and spreads and pillows and pillow cases. It all added up fast. But after a few months when things settle, it finally breaks even and yeah, that little bit of money was enough to take the edge off of things. I was able to seriously put away some money for a house. And I still didn't need to talk to Steven about money because I had what I was making to use for kid stuff. I didn't need to ask if we had money for new clothes. Or for birthdays. I just used what I knew I had. And then what I got from fostering, that I could put away into savings.

I hate to be the nagging one. It's not in my nature - so I let Steven do what he would with our future. And now. I see that he has crapped all over that. I should have taken a more active role in that. Even though, seriously thinking about, there's nothing more I could have done. Nothing more he would have let me done. But what happened is that I was so busy and preoccupied with fostering and taking care of those kids and taking care of our kids that I feel like I just woke up this past month and realized what a mess of life I am in right now. My purpose has been stripped because of there being no more bed space. Which wraps around to no room for what I want to do. Which wraps even tighter and I can't even put groceries away because there's no room. Things are forever spilling out of cupboards when I try to add one more thing. Getting craft supplies out for young womens is a nightmare. Putting them away, even worse. There is no easy place for things to go. Which is what drives me the most crazy. I know that an orderly house has to have a 'home for everything' - a place where you can count on it going. And you know what? My pillow cases and sheets for the kids are constantly changing places because sometimes there's room where they need to go, and sometimes there's not. It depends on how hard I want to work at getting them into their spot. So then, when I go to look for sheets, I have to look three different places before finding them. It's irritating.

So, now I wake up from my trance. Look up from the hard work that I have been doing with these extra kids and I realize I am definitely not where I want to be in life. I want to be doing more - and right now that is not even possible because of my physical living situation. Things were fine a month ago. And now that we have a baby and had to give up the placement that we had because of our 'no room' issue - I am furious. I am ticked off all the time.

Right now I am in an apartment that is too small for my dreams and ambitions. I am in a relationship that I can't even take seriously. There is no light coming from any angle about this situation being changed anytime within the next 6 months. And I am done. This apartment was supposed to be temporary. Alaska wasn't supposed to go to kindergarten here. We were supposed to be moved by then. All the goals that I thought we had have been drowned down the toilet and now we're just in the motion of making it work, day to day, rather than focusing on a future.

I was done 6 months ago. In January I gave Steven the ultimatum about getting on the promotion list or moving to my parents house. I wasn't going to stand for it anymore. So he got on the promotion list. And I was able to keep doing what I was doing. And I was sick. So sick. This pregnancy was a really hard one for me. I went straight from being sick and hurling multiple times a day to being so tired. So, so tired. But I pushed through. Because things were supposed to be changing for us.

And then they didn't. And they haven't. And it's not even because opportunity hasn't come up. Apparently it has, and Steven just hasn't taken it. Which is infuriating. It drives me crazy and just makes me want to scream all over again, even as I write this. The hurt and betrayal that I felt when he told me that was so real. So powerful. So debilitating. I thought the plan was to promote. And to do that asap. So I was patiently biding my time. Doing what I could while I waited. And then, come to find out, all my waiting was in vain. It's not going to happen. In fact, he had seen openings and hadn't taken them. My patience had been taken for granted.

And Alaska is going to be starting school and I am stuck in a place that is too small for me to even function. Baby stuff is all over the place. I don't know what changed. No. I do. If I were a happy person with who I am right now - then sure, what's another two years in this apartment. But I am not happy with who I am right now. I want to continue to grow and be better. And I see this two bedroom, small apartment as an obstacle to that. There isn't enough room for life here. Life just comes with things. It comes with blankets. It comes with more dishes. It comes with bigger bodies that need more dresser space for their clothes. It comes with bigger bodies that need bigger beds. And right now there isn't room for progression. It's stagnant. It was supposed to be temporary. It was supposed to be temporary. I don't even have room to put up photos or momentos or anything that says, 'hey, we've been here awhile.'

We are living in a white trash apartment. Not because it is trashy - but because everyone around us is not going anywhere in life. They are stuck. And I am stuck. I am no longer waiting for the big promotion or the big what's next. This is it. And that feels crappy. I should have realized that sooner. Before my patience was all the way out. But it's out now. And now I've got to make a decision about what I am going to do about it.

Foster Care Thoughts

"Do you have any kids?" Yes. Sort of. Well, no...not really. But, yes.
"Could you send me a bio about you and your family?" Sure, but who do I include?
"Is that a picture of your daughter?" Yes...
But, she's someone else's daughter, too.

These last few months have been the hardest we've walked as we said goodbye to L. What still surprises me three months later are the unexpected pangs that come from seemingly mundane, curious, "normal" questions.
Love knows no bounds. Love doesn't distinguish between genes, delivery process, or circumstance. Something amazing happens when we say "yes", when we whisper "you are safe, you are loved, you are okay" in a child's ear.
For 17 months we were mom and dad. And, that has forever changed us. It's changed our routines, our energy, our posture, our relationship, our hearts, our faith.
Frankly, I like those changes. They've made me better.
So, yes. I have a daughter. She's not with me anymore. But, she'll forever be my girl...that was shared with us for a season. And, truly I'd do it all again. 

-- Brooke Gray, Foster Mom, Executive Director of Every Child

As if I weren't already in a mix of emotions. As if anything foster care related, 'my girls' related doesn't already make me bawl my eyes out and just want to scream. Scream because I feel so trapped in my housing situation. Scream because this was supposed to be temporary anyways and now we are edging up on 5 years. Scream because I am mad at where I find myself. This is not what I wanted life to look like. And by gosh darn, something had better move before I am 30 years because 30 is old. 30 is when you have life figured out and going on and you aren't living in a white-trash apartment complex because it's all you can afford. And I say 'white trash' rather loosely because at least everyone within our 4 apartments that share a stairwell isn't a chain smoker. No smokers. And that makes a huge difference. But it's still - it's people who aren't going anywhere in life and right now I very much feel like that. And I don't like that. I won't stand for that. And it all wraps around in a vicious circle because without the proper housing, I can't do the fostering that has wrapped itself into my heart in a very real way. 

If had you asked me two years ago if I would be a mother of 6 kids I would of laughed at you!

We had our three boys, we had successfully made it through diapers, teething and toddler years!

We were comfortable. 

Then our world was rocked when we received a call to be a resource for a family member's son. We did it without hesitation but we struggled.

It was so new and different and uncomfortable, but we held on because we trusted there was a bigger plan we weren't even aware of. 

This child will soon be a permanent part of our family when adoption is finalized and I am so thankful that we had faith to keep going.

We've had kids come and go and it's hard.
It is down right gut wrenching sometimes. 

Somehow our faith gives us enough strength to continue to answer the call.

So for today we walk (or limp) humbly along. I often think of the life we had prior to the crazy life we have now.

That life would of been easy, we could of just kept trucking along with our heads in the sand, but instead our eyes were opened to a need and we continue to say yes because we don't feel called to an a easy life. We feel called to a sacrificial life, to bring hope to those around us.

When days are hard and I feel tempted to quit, I pray for strength so I can wake up and say yes, again and again and again.
-
- Crystal, Jackson County Foster Parent

And it's exactly that. As I raise my three children. My Punky, my Bubby and my Axty - it is normal. It is calming. It is easy-peasy. There is no adrenaline to push me through. It's just one thing and onto the next. I was not called to do this. My heart aches too much when I hear of a child who needs a place. Especially right now, as I literally have no room in my house to be of help. Life could be beautiful and plain or it could be beautiful with a little crazy dripped in. A little sacrifice for a lot of joy. A lot of heart-filling and a lot of sadness - rewarding. Hard and rewarding. But what gives me the strength is the knowledge that I am strong enough to do this. Fostering is not for everyone, nor is it for every single in someone's life - but for me. It is right now. Right now when my heart is tender towards others who need my influence because I have the capability to give it. 

These children need me. They need my small apartment. They need my fruit snacks and normalcy. They need the love that I can give and the love that my own children can give. 

1 Month with Axton

Your brother loves you. He adores you. Talmage will be tearing through the house in general boy fashion and as he runs past the swing where you are generally sleeping he will hesitate and give you a kiss on your head before continuing on his pursuit. Last week I found chocolate smudged on your forehead, right where that little cowlick flips your hair away from your face on the left side. Talmage's favorite spot to land a kiss.

Your sister loves you. She adores you. Alaska has been an engaged sister to your every need and whim. You: crying. Alaska: "Hey mom! Aren't you going to come and save the day?" She will pick you up out of your swing and hold you on the couch, her legs brought up to support her arm while she supports your head. I will often leave you on the floor for some stretching and tummy time and Alaska is the first one to hear you whimper and flip you onto your back, where you are more comfortable.

Your momma loves you. She adores you. Sweet boy. You are like clock work. Every 4 hours you are eating. In an unpredictable life, it is comforting to have you tick, tick, ticking in time, on time. We get along well and your relaxed disposition is something that I can appreciate and it makes me feel capable as a mother - even though that is all just you.

Nursing was a no-go, even for you, the third baby, and one of the lactation specialists commented on your sweet demeanor. So patient while we try to figure out feeding you and so willing to try and try again without getting upset.

Your forehead fits perfectly into my own facial profile and I can give you lots of kisses with my chin meeting your face on the bridge of your nose. We are like puzzle pieces. You are lovely. 

Court Again

There was court today for D and E. I went. It was a circus. Next court is not until April. And that will make a year of them being in care. My heart hurts for them. I want them to have a place to call home forever. The attorney that C had is representing one of the dads in this case and he was pleasant and said hi and asked what I was doing here. I had to explain that I just love these girls and am invested in their future. He smiled a knowing smile and nodded, but said nothing. He knows. I am in love with them. But that's dangerous in this line of service. 

I don't know why I am dragging myself through all of this. Why I can't just let these two girls go. I don't know if it's because they were the last ones in my home. Or if because I have no other extras right now. Or if because my heart really is strung out on a string for them. Probably a combination of all of that. And that E still calls me Mom when she sees me. I know her version of the word mom and my version of the word mom are very, very different. But I still feel like I want to be her mom in the way that I understand it. When I see her, I see the trusting girl she was when she came to me that first night. And I remember her fierce loyalty, as if she were a shadow. 

I wrote a letter to the school today about putting her and Alaska in the same class. What they don't know is that even if those two are not in the same class - I will still volunteer for both of them. I realized that as I wrote the letter.

To whom it may concern:

I have a daughter, Alaska Barnes, entering McBride as a kindergartner. I will be volunteering in her class. My husband and I are foster parents. We had E in our home for a couple months (May-July) while a placement was found that could take her, her sister, and their younger brother. I am requesting that E and Alaska be put in the same class. I will be volunteering in Alaska’s class and would like to do double-duty of being able to volunteer in E’s class, as well. I am invested in E and her future even though she is no longer in my predominant care.  

E will benefit greatly from having an adult actively involved and interested in her school life and this will improve her success. Her current foster mom is a working mom and does not have the flexibility to volunteer in the school. I would like to step in to fill that void and meet the need of E having an adult who is actively involved at school.

It would also be important to note that E has had many adults in and out of her life – not all of them the kind that you would want as a role-model. I believe that keeping the connection I have with E is important to her future and a simple way to strengthen that connection is to be involved in her classroom.

I have worked with E’s current foster parent to preserve the connection I have with E over the summer because I know how important a stable, present, adult figure is in her life.

Thank you for considering;

Jessica Barnes

And the eggs in the basket cracked

We didn't get it. The note accompanying the message was comforting.

Hi Jessica and Steve,

I wanted to thank you for submitting your application for the Nest program. You two are clearly exceptional foster parents and Columbia County DHS is lucky to have you.

Your application was very strong, as was your letter of recommendation. I know I had shared concerns with Jessica over the number of children you already have, in addition to the 3 foster children that will be placed in the main home. I looked further into that issue and unfortunately there is no way around the licensing restrictions. Basically, the total number of children (foster and bio combined) in a 2 parent foster home for this program can be no more than 5. Because the main home will serve up to 3 children at a time, that disqualifies your family at this time.

I truly appreciate the time you put into applying for this program and I know you will continue to make a difference in the lives of foster children in your community. 

I wish you two all the best!

But it was heart-stabbing in a drag you under the water and leave you there for a minute way. I was deflated and I very literally let the kids watch movies All Day. I didn't even have the energy to handle the aftermath later if I sent them loose on the house, so I didn't. Which is exactly why we don't watch a whole lot of t.v. Besides it being bad for the brain and all that jazz that they have done studies on - when I need it, I need it as a babysitter and it never fails because it is such a treat. So there it was. It babysat my kids while I took a nap, moped around the house and basically took twice as long to do everything that I can usually do. It was a no good day around here.

I don't know what our next step is. I am at an utter road block. And sure - I have three great kids of my own. But please don't point that out, as that is part of the frustration and definitely not going to make me feel better. They are great kids. There's not a whole lot of stretching on my part to be done to learn more about behavior or anything else. Frustrating.

And I know - tell me again how much more I could be doing for my kids that are already great. But I know that's when the mom guilt starts to creep in. Alaska was not even born yet when I resolved myself to never have mom guilt that comes quietly into the home in the form of magazines of 'Do this for your kids to make them X, Y and Z.' or watching other people's Facebook posts of their kid being potty trained at 18 months or reading at two. I just knew I wasn't going to go there because it is too much of a steep spiral. I am too much of a pusher to control myself to not push my kids - so I just stay away from all that. And also - I am pretty sure I would take it extremely personally if I did everything in my control and beyond my control to make my kids into something and then it didn't turn out. So I believe in letting them be who they will be and with gentle guidance, teaching by example.

The other thing. I feel so utterly complete and whole, helping and being there for the kids who have no one else. There is nothing that out-does that feeling and it's not something I can control. It just happens. They say service is never selfless. The person 'serving' is still getting something. They are filling a void somewhere in their being and I can totally tell you, that is a true fact for me in this situation.

Some people love animals, other people love reading. These loves of theirs create hobbies and articles of interest. I love being needed. I just do. Call it a hobby. There's nothing that fills me up the same. And there's nothing that breaks my heart more than a child that needs a home and a parent willing to figure them out and help them succeed despite all odds stacked against them. It's just in my blood. My own children. Yes, they need me. But not to the same extent and they are definitely fine without my constant supervision or mindfulness. I have a daughter who is independent and a boy who is loving. And a baby that is pretty chill, as far as babies go. I've got it simple.

Foster Care Opportunity.

Just because this is something that I am bursting at the seams with. I don't know if it will happen. I don't know if it will not happen. But I know that part of looking forward to something is the part of uncertainty. So in this cradle of uncertainty I am going to share that Steve and I applied for a professional foster care thing-a-ma-jig. It comes with a 6 bedroom house and a min-van in Portland. With $3000 incentive per month to keep do this and be willing to put our own careers on hold or drop down to part-time and then $60 per kid per night they are with us.

Right now Oregon is in a foster placement crises. Not enough homes. Which - when is there ever enough. But besides the point. It's been written about in the papers a couple times of kids being put in hotel rooms for a few nights or having to stay the night at the offices because there is no opening for them anywhere. Which just looks bad for the state. So this 6 bedroom house is supposed to act as the alternative to that. It would be used for only emergency placements and they would want to keep it open for more emergencies so the turn-over would be high. It sounds pretty ideal, actually. You get a kid for a few days - 2 weeks. They are usually in honey-moon mode at that point and if not - I have the skills to cope anyways.

There was a big application packet with some essay questions and I wrote my heart out. Maybe a little too much - but I need to be sure that we get an interview. We have the obstacle of having one too many kids of our own that we have to jump over. They want the cap to be 2, so that each kid gets the attention they need and all that. Which is fine. But they don't understand that I am super-mom and can do it all. It wouldn't be easy - but it is do-able and the program is funded right now for 2 years. I would think it would be hard to find anyone who was willing to do this kind of work for more than 2 years, anyways, so that's what I have my eye on. Alaska would be 7 when we come out of it, Talmage would be 5 and the baby would just over 2. It's not really that long.

We could really use this opportunity. $3000 a month would be amazing. It's more than I get when subbing so I could easily make this my full-time job. It would give us the house I so want and dream of. And it would allow for us to save a hefty amount of cash for a down payment on a house of our own when we are done with the two years. It's basically a dream come true and the best thing that I can think of. It's probably tied right up there with Steven promoting.

So I have all my eggs in this basket and will be crushed if it doesn't happen. But I already feel crushed where I am - so there is no matter. Right now, in our 2 bedroom apartment we honestly can't do any more foster care until we get a bigger place because with Alaska and Talmage sharing a room, that puts a girl and a boy in that room and you can't add in a stranger girl or boy into that room. So our only option to make fostering work is to have a 'boys' room - but that puts in the obstacle of where does Alaska go? Because she's too big for a portable-crib and I would feel bad putting her back into a crib mattress after her being on a twin. There is no room for a twin mattress in the master bedroom like there is room for a portable crib or a regular crib mattress. So we're stuck. At a total stand-still. Which just makes me angry. Because foster care has been the thing that keeps my head above water. Where I can feel like I am doing some extra good while I am stuck in this position of Steven not promoting and waiting to get on with life. And I say 'get on with' because I honestly don't want to be in a 2 bedroom apartment when Alaska is in middle school. You have to cut your losses somewhere and I am not interested in going to work full time. May as well have my own kids in foster care if it comes to that. Teaching life takes way too much personal time outside of the 8-4. And you know what else? I am honestly so tired of playing tetras to get everything to fit. Even getting a paintbrush out or some pom-poms for an art project is a huge deal of shuffling things around. It's draining. To fit this baby in we had to move a lot of stuff out to my parent's house. And I haven't been able to decorate for any holidays because it just makes our small space feel that much smaller. It's unbearable, basically. Nearly 5 years of this and I am just about done.

Anyways - here is what my essays look like. They ended up being two printed pages. Tell me I am not the best qualified with the most heart for this job. Dare you. And my family. Thank goodness I have great kids.

Why do you want to be a foster parent for The Nest program?

Foster care has been in my heart ever since reading the book, Pictures of Hollis Woods, by Patricia Reilly Giff, as a college student. I had overwhelming feelings of wanting to give a safe and welcoming place to a child who didn’t fit in anywhere else and wanting to make a lasting difference in a life otherwise torn apart. I knew that I had the love and acceptance to make that happen. I see this program, The Nest, as a way to fulfill that dream to its utmost potential. To give a secure and pleasant landing to those who come from hard places and to leave an impression of welcoming and unconditional love.

My husband and I began our foster care adventure a year and a half ago, becoming emergency certified while we were taking foundation classes through DHS in Columbia County. I quickly learned that in order to be the most effective foster parent possible I would need to put aside my own feelings of being needed and making a difference and align my focus on gaining the knowledge needed to help this particular population with trauma informed care. My perspective changed as I realized not only does a person need to have a willing heart on an emotional level, but also a willing heart on the cognitive level to learn how to make the most impact for these children who have been effected by trauma. I began to pursue knowledge and making myself the most capable and rounded person possible. My interest has been piqued and I enjoy the classes I have taken on emotional intelligence, trauma informed care and the weekly counseling I did for a year with our first placement. I see the program of The Nest as a way to become a more knowledgeable person, which will in turn make me more substantial and capable as a parent and member of society.

Describe previous paid, volunteer, or family experiences or training in working with children ages 0-9.

I have had the opportunity to work in multiple elementary schools as a substitute teacher, fill-in at my daughter’s pre-school and volunteer at headstart. These institutions have allowed me the chance to interact with children ages 4-9 and experience others’ routines and environments they have created for this specific elementary group.

Growing up, I was the oldest of four children. My younger brothers were born enough years after me that I was able to be a big help to my mom and was given a great deal of responsibility around the house and for the boys. I was a preferred babysitter for many families and babysat infants and toddlers as a highschooler.

My love for learning has motivated me to participate in a love and logic class, parent child interactive therapy, a training on how to teach emotional awareness and I regularly attend our foster parent support meetings where we discuss the needs of the children in our care and how to address them; most of them being in the 0-9 age range. Right now I am also signed up for a class titled Promoting Prosocial Behaviors in Preschoolers that will be held on August 19^th. My interest in working with trauma inflicted children has also lead me to read, Love Me, Feed Me by Katja Rowell, Wounded Children Healing Homes by Jayne E. Schooler and a variety of memoirs written by adoptees. These books have allowed me insights that I otherwise would not have gained.

My personal experiences with my own children, and also the foster children we have had in our care, has allowed me my own opportunity to create routines, expectations and a pleasant environment. I am a competent mother who is able to enjoy my children because of the training I have put into them. I am looking for the next step to make myself an exceptional and more qualified parent. I see the program of The Nest as something that I can contribute to with my specific skill set and disposition and develop as a person at the same time.

Please describe the skills or attributes you have that you feel would be helpful for you to be a foster care provider, particularly for children who may be in crisis, struggling with emotional regulation, or are acting out behaviorally.

I have the skills to make a house into a home and realize that this will be a big factor in making the children that come into our lives through this program the most comfortable. I am proficient in the parent child interactive therapy process of building trust, giving directions and implementing effective timeouts.  I understand acutely that this therapy depends on one-on-one attention of five minutes per day. I have a poignant understanding of the necessity of one-on-one attention and am able to share my attention equally among the children in my home due to my strong inner compass directed by fairness. I know that behaviors are driven by emotions and if an adult can help a child express themselves the behaviors lessen. I also know that one-on-one attention and verbally acknowledging a child’s actions can lessen undesired behavior or increase desired behavior. These skills are what will make The Nest manageable, despite the children who come in with personal crisis, struggling with emotional regulation, or acting out behaviorally.

It is apparent that I have been given a strong sense of empathy, a great amount of patience and am capable of a generous outpouring of love – despite behavior or differences. I give great attention to detail and am an organized person who keeps a calendar of events. My calm demeanor makes it possible to look at situations with a broader perspective and pick my battles wisely, as it were.

This program is going to rely heavily on effective communication between myself, support staff and other professionals. I am pleasant to work with and am an effective communicator – most especially through written words. I know that I will excel at taking notes and passing along information about the children who enter and exit The Nest so as to help make the best possible outcome for them in the existing future.

I am flexible and understanding of last-minute changes, most especially in this industry where there are so many variables within hour-by-hour. I am committed to making the most of this program and am excited to be a part of something cutting-edge in the foster community.

Quick update

Today is D's birthday! Her new mom sent me a photo of her with all her morning presents. She is going to have the best day ever! But maybe not. Because her mom won't be there. She's had some anxiety about that, which is totally understandable. A mom is pretty connected to a person's birthday, considering they had to give birth in the first place and all that.

I am so excited to see her. We are going to her party later this afternoon and I haven't seen her or E since forever, it feels. Probably a month, I guess. Which is so sad to see the weeks stack up like that. But it's hard to plan a play date when life around here is just so busy and packed. Which would be fine if they were both living with us still - they would just do all the things with us. But the way it is - it's too complicated to schedule something.

Megan, Steven's sister, got home from her mission last Thursday. Nic and Heather came out and met us at the airport and then spent the week up at the Barnes' house. It was fun to have everyone together  - Alaska loves her cousins and was telling Talmage that Porter was her cousin and Millie was his cousin, as those are the ages that they are closest to. But really, they just all played together really nicely.

We did lots of playing. Some professional photos. A trip to the beach. A mini hike. I spent a day doing appointments with Axton. A 60th anniversary for Great Grandma and Grandpa Barnes. And the kids got a day in with their Nana during the week and I stayed at home and got to know Axton a little more. I even coaxed a couple of smiles out of him.

In Axton news. We are donesies with nursing. It lasted an excruciating two weeks and then I called it quits. Which I think is just fine. Talk about learning from adversity. It took a lot of tears and a lot of pride swallowing to just say, "Done." I like to say 'I did everything I could' and blah blah. Which I did. I just had to come to realization that with two other kids that need my love and attention and all that, my 'all' isn't what is used to be. I got his tongue clipped, sure. I made an appointment for him to see a chiropractor who was trained in cranial stuff. Did the lactation appointments faithfully. After two weeks of that I had to just realize it wasn't going to happen. Especially when the chiropractor suggested doing two appointments a week for him and going to a lactation group with a private lactation specialist rather than someone at the hospital. Those trips to Portland take about 3 hours - 4 hours if you count the time getting the kids to and from a sitter. So. I just don't have time for that multiple times a week. I can't do that indefinitely. Not to add on my own personal discomfort. I was ugly crying during nursing and then had tears streaming down my face during pumping. It hurt so excruciatingly bad!

So I guess what I learned about myself is that I am still willing to do all that I can, but I also know my own limits of what 'all I can' is.

The cutest things:

Talmage dropping kisses on Axton's head or his fingers or his toes - whatever he can reach easily and quickly as he runs by playing.

Alaska picking Axton up 'like momma' and moving him to the couch to hold.

This baby. He is the missing point on our triangle that makes these siblings come together.