This is the Life I Chose

You want to know what happens to me? Well, I sign in to write on this bloggedy-blog and I get sucked into my 'following' section of blogs that I enjoy reading. Not my favorites, my favorites I show up for at the end of the night to coast through beautiful words and photos. But the ones that I don't see often and actually kind of forget about until I sign in to write my own post. And then all of a sudden a hour is gone by and I have accomplished not a whole lot and I definitely feel inadequate to write anything after reading so many wonderfully written and descriptive days of others. So I sign out and call it a go and vow not to forget 'that one thing Alaska said,' or that 'way I felt when that part happened'. And of course, I do forget, and then I vow to get on here more often and record more stuff and keep life-documenting. But I don't. Because I am a lady with a busy schedule and things to do and kids to teach how to be kind and solve their own problems and all that.

Today though, something special happened.

I absolutely loving substituting. Especially as I have gained a family through working at the alternative school. A family of high-strung, loud and extra-obnoxious teenagers. The ones who don't quite fit in at the high school because they are so high-strung, or anxiety ridden, or really just hate showing up for classes. What-have-you. They're teenagers, and not the kind that you see at church sitting with their families during sacrament meeting or at youth group on Wednesday.

I love it so much, and I love the paycheck mid-month, that sometimes it's easier to measure my success by that paycheck than it is by the less satisfying number of breakfasts, lunches and dinners made and cleaned up, the amount of laundry pushed through the machines and stuffed into drawers and the more objective things like the kindness my children show to others and their ability to problem-solve an issue of sharing.

Anyways, to save my sanity, I have set a goal of subbing 2 days a week. This helps me keep life in perspective. Otherwise I would be wanting to sub every single day and that is just all around a little crazy with three kids and the babysitting schedule I have rigged up for them and not to mention, I need some energy for them and days that I substitute it's hard to stay calm in the mornings when I am trying to get everyone out the door and it's hard to stay calm in the evenings when I come home to a house that was stagnant all day. No dinner made or laundry done or floors vacuumed.

The jist is, that today I made a hard decision. I was called on need to my 'school family' and couldn't do it. It was last minute and all that and it was easier to say no, but I still had to think about it. Hard. I even went to the effort of putting together an elaborative babysitting scheme where I would pick C up early from school and then take her and Talmage to CCEC and have them wait in the office until my mother-in-law could come pick them up. When you sub enough at a small school this kind of stuff becomes a reality.

I called back and had to explain that no, today I just couldn't do that.

And as I hung up, I was empowered. This is the life I chose. I chose to be a stay-at-home mom with a side job. And it is hard sometimes being so capable and having to say no. But instead of saying no, I need to think of it as choosing what I want most.

Today I had my mind all set for staying at home and doing the 'mom gig' as I think of it. I loaded Talmage into the stroller and we walked to C's school to pick her up, walking back home with a friend who lives in the same apartment complex. Not very moms get to do this around here. Who get to choose to do this, nonetheless. The walk was refreshing, even though C all but refused to move from the front door of the school for about 5 minutes because her legs hurt and she wanted to ride in the stroller. Which was another reason it was especially nice to have a friend to walk home with. To get her distracted. That girl. So stubborn.

No one was interested in taking naps - so the two of them played quietly while I did orders (this is what I do for my dad's business) and then we went and picked up Alaska from school. I didn't get around to doing any more of the 'mom gig' as I was emotionally spent after all of the thinking and planning of earlier in the day, but I was home and my children were home and I guess that counts for something.

This evening is a stake auxiliary training for my calling in the young women's program. I am car pooling with a vanful of ladies and it should be a good time. I am looking forward to the drive as much as I am looking forward to the filling of my cup of training. I was really good at doing presidency meetings with my beehives for about a year and then we got a new beehive president and all of a sudden all of my excitement is just gone and it's easier to not. Maybe I can gain some purpose back into this enthusiasm I know I should have.