I know it's been forever and a day. A long time. This move has left my head spinning, and it's still spinning. This move has been the most stressful thing to happen to me in a long time. I've had a hard time getting a routine going. A hard time adjusting if said routine was thrown off, if even by a planned event. I clung to plans like a child clings to their safety blanket with pink bunnies printed on the fabric. I worked really hard at 'showing up'. Hard. And I worked hard at seeing things through other people's eyes, when really, I should have been using my own eyes and stating what I needed.
What I needed was space. And space is hard to come by when you're living with in-laws and parents. I felt like a bird, being held too tight. My wings were cramped and it was all I could do not to burst and fly the coop.
Slowly I have regained the independence I once had. A little each day, each hour I have alone at the house with Alaska. I prefer it that way. Me cleaning, her playing, and as I have started to feel better about life I notice myself reaching out to others. Brighter smiles because I want to, not because it's polite. Inviting people over for lunch because I want to, not because I need a friend.
It's been really hard and sometimes the hardness still catches me off-guard. Just when I think things are ok, something happens and I have to focus hard to make everything go in the right direction instead of flying every which way. It's still hard for me to make plans. I want every day at home, in my own home, and I want control over that. It's been almost 6 months. When will that go away? If I make plans to do some errands or take Alaska to the park I almost always chicken out and prefer to stay at home and clean the bathroom or mop one more time. I think, in all honesty, it's a sickness.
Our house is nearly always spotless and I know that's something that has got to stop. I get a hard thump in my heart if something is dirty. I need a new hobby, bad. I've printed all my pictures off. All of them. They came in a huge box while I was gone on vacation. I am still trying to get the courage to unbox them and sort, because I know it will make a mess. Who thinks that of something they used to love? I would rather have a clean house that scrap some photos? Something is definitely wrong. And it's not even that sorting will make a mess, the mess doesn't come until you start scrapping them all and there's pieces of paper and pictures all over the place.
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