Baby Barnes #2

Well... we're pregnant!  Yay.  It has been a couple of really miserable months.  Alaska knows how to stand by me and flush to toilet each time the heaving lets up a little to get the smell out.  And she knows to pull some toilet paper down for me to blow my nose afterwards and knows that if there's nothing in the bowl but I am still bent over it to come around behind me and rub my back.  'Cause she's got a good dad to show her how to do all those things.

They say you forget about all the bad of pregnancy by the time you have another.  You don't.  My first time bent over the toilet I cried.  I wasn't ready for this to all start again.  The sickness.  But it was what our family needed.

I am only hoping that it goes away soon, rather than lingering like it did with Alaska.  It's easier for me to count the days that I don't throw up than the ones that I do.  And that's been going on for a month a half.  I have to eat every two hours or it gets unbearable and I puke.  By the end of the day I am tired of eating, tired of making things to eat and tired of thinking of things to eat.  Because the other tricky thing about pregnancy is if you eat something that you don't want to, it usually finds it way back up regardless of when I ate it.

It's officially unofficial, though.  Because I don't want to tell people and then have them asking me when the due date is, when will I know it's a boy or a girl, blah blah blah because that means doctor appointments and I haven't even had one yet.  So... yeah.  As long as there is no doctor appointment it's still unofficial and my time counting down until the birth-date can't happen yet.  I want the biggest head-start possible.  With Alaska we managed 13 weeks.  They wanted to do an ultra-sound to make sure she was progressing as much as she should be, etc. by the time we got in there and they were able to tell us she was a girl right then.  That wasn't all that bad.

I have already started to notice that I think I am showing.  Perhaps I am just parnoid and I feel bloted a lot of the time, but I am pretty sure my waist has thickened considerably, even if there's not a bump unless I have just eaten.  I feel comparable to a boa constrictor.  A huge ball in my belly as soon as I eat something and nothing as soon as it's gone.  But it is dang obvious.

With Alaska I was still just barely, barely showing at 20 weeks.  The kind of showing you could do without sticking your belly out just a little.  My muscles were tight, keeping her in, this time, not so much.  My clothes already feel like they are wearing me, instead of me wearing them, and I am dreaming of the day I can slip into my pregnancy pants to even out the muffin top that has already started to appear.  That's a sad, mature grown-up wish.

Mysterious Veggie Plate

It baffles me.  You think you know.  And then you don't.  Like so much of life.  Too much of life.

I have decided my signature "I'll bring the..." will forever be veggie plates complete with ranch dressing made from greek yogurt.  It's a crowd pleaser and something I feel comfortable bringing as more and more people are coming out as gluten free and less carbs and more healthy stuff, please!  The people-pleaser in me, I suppose.

Rummaging through thrift-stores is an all-time favorite hobby and I picked up a most excellent crystal vegetable tray.  A little more rummaging produced a little bowl for dip that more often than not is being used for cereal when all of our bowls are dirty.  Even now, I use my pampered prep bowl for dressing because it has a lid that fits snug and guarantees no surprise ranch-messes in the trunk upon arriving.  No one seems to mind the the center of my vegetable trays holds tomatoes or olives more often than dressing.

It's not super often that I get to pull the crystal platter from its home among the other things we don't use a lot, but you gotta have, like pitchers and trifle dish.  But when I do, it gets a good use.  This past week I used it twice, and you know what?  I am so confused!

I took it to my parent's house for thanksgiving loaded up on all colors of the rainbow.  The only thing eaten?  The celery.  Thanksgiving dinner was delicious and there wasn't much room for something that probably should have been served as an appetizer instead of the spinach dip and bread.  But the celery got munched on as people's plates winded down and needed just a touch more.

Took the exact same plate to a Young Women event, and what do you know?  The only vegetable left was the celery!  Everything else was dipped and eaten.  It is so weird to me.  Had I known, I would have had less celery and more of something else.  But I didn't know there would be such a difference in opinion over a vegetable plate.  Proves that vegetables are not all equals.  I did find it interesting, though, that as I gathered up vegetables that are often found on veggie plates, there were more vegetables than I remember as a kid.  Which must mean that I am becoming more aware of what's out there and how to jazz up your ordinary plate.  We don't use cauliflower as a filler around here, that's for sure.

One of Those Awesomely Horrible Days

It's been one of those awesome days.  The kind where Alaska Paska was the biggest punky in all the world, short of the kid who throws a tantrum complete with kicking and screaming.  We obviously haven't been working on our shopping etiquette very much since moving back to Oregon where it takes 40 minutes to get anywhere note-worthy.   Note to self, we need to work on this so that she can shop beside me before this baby comes.

A lady at Walgreens today asked me if I got my boots locally.  Her granddaughter would love a pair.  "No, I got them at Macey's."  The man next to us chuckled and says, "You'd have to shop pretty hard to find something local around here."  Meaning, if you don't like what WalMart of FredMeyer has to offer, you've got a little bit of a drive to look forward to.

I knew Barnes and Noble would be the hardest store to take her in, especially since I left the mini-stroller at the house.  That meant it would be her and her two hands up and over everything.  It had to be our first stop.  Before she became The Punky that we all know and love.  I needed my Alaska Paska.

It didn't go well.  We did get out with only one time-out and one run-away moment and one 'crying 'cause you're holding my hand' moment.  Pretty good that the numbers didn't rack up higher than that.  But I was a haggard mess by the time we left.  I didn't feel well enough to be stretched to any kind of limits and had definitely over layered in layers that were impossible to take off without losing my dignity.  Like a jacket covering my ugly sweater and a scarf to bustle out the front so that the high neck of my ugly sweater couldn't be seen, as well.

We stopped at two more stores, both with carts that she refused to stay buckled within and though I had a list a mile long, I was done.  You couldn't pay me to take her grocery shopping.

Got home just in time for a nap and I puked into the toilet.  We had to have a white elephant gift and a favorite Christmas treat to share for our party that night.  I dropped Alaska off at her Grandma's and pretended to know what I needed.  I fell back on chocolate for our white elephant gift, you can never go wrong with candy.  I wasn't entirely sure of our group, whether gag gifts were going to be ok and all that.  Always tricky playing with different groups of people.

Too sick to make a treat to share, thought I could take spinach dip.  Found it and looked around for some pre-sliced bread.  I didn't even feel well enough to cut bread!  Couldn't find the bread and instead I bought a plate of 7-layer dip that looked like it had been sitting around for a couple of days and a bag of chips.  No shame.  I took it and it was eaten.

The party was a success and it was fun.  Gag gifts were definitely invited, although you gotta have the good gifts to make the gag gifts even more horrendous.  The worst, a knit your own bikini kit.  It was hillarious and hideous.  Most likely will be making a return next year.

Setting Boundaries

I have had a lot of time to think.  Lots of time to reflect on things that are most important and how to live a healthy life without regret or doing things I say 'yes' to just because 'yes' is easier than, 'no thanks, no interested.'

It's just something that has come naturally, after seeing a counselor, I have one more appointment and I will be 'cured'.  Almost cured?  Almost the person I was a year ago.  A few scars that still need fading, but for the most part, I've got it back.  And I am so grateful that I got up the courage to get an appointment and even went through with it as I saw the people smoking 'just outside the premise' because smoking isn't allowed within the premise.  And I kept going as I passed the couple of haggard, greasy haired people at the front door and even pushed forward past the high school boy who very well was a foster-child and has had a rougher life than I could even imagine.  Pushed past it all and spilled my guts, even if my guts were more thought out and organized and 'smaller' than most people's problems who were there my first day.

My counselor asked me what I was taking away from this 'almost last' appointment and I think I got it.  I got the greatest gift a person could be given.  I told her, "I don't feel so broken anymore.  I can see the progression and the growing that has happened."

I wouldn't have seen that if I hadn't enrolled in counseling.  I would still be fuming with disappointment that I wasn't what I was before.  I wouldn't have been able to look at the progression that I have made, but would always be sitting on the pavement looking towards the stars and their light that I used to hold and be frustrated that I wasn't there.  But having gone to counseling, I accepted out-loud that I was sitting on the pavement.  That it was cold and not where I wanted to be.  And slowly I began to pick myself up and give myself the wings that I need to get back to the stars.  Instead of always being frustrated about where I wasn't, I could sit back and watch the progression as I became again what I wanted to be.

My current homework is still setting boundaries.  Something I have had problems with since the beginning of time.  Doing things that I don't really want to do.  But saying yes because nice girls say yes.  So instead of saying an automatic 'yes' to anything and everything, I have to say, "Let me think about it" even if I know after I think about it, the answer will be yes.

And I have two victory stories to tell about sticking to boundaries and comfort zones!

1) We are living in a low in-come apartment complex and out of the 8 apartments that make up our block only three people have a car.  We are one of those three and I am mostly home and I get asked for rides often.  Someone asked for a ride and I was extremely busy getting ready for my first bazaar.  I had my hours limited and was counting them down like precious seconds.  I told her I could give her a ride in a couple of hours and she was all like, "Oh, well I think I'll just walk, then."  I was fuming mad.  But felt rightfully justified in a, "I said no" kind of way.  I had felt bad about not making her problem an emergency when, to her, it wasn't even an emergency.  I am so weird.  But she's weird to.  Asking someone for a ride would be my last step in solving a problem, when for her it was her first idea.  It's a crazy world we live in.

2) I had a Pampered Chef party set up.  I didn't want it.  I didn't want the perks that came from setting it up.  I didn't want to worry about people showing up or not showing up.  I didn't want to plan a party.  I didn't want any of it.  But I had said yes because it was the logical thing to do.  So, I took a big breath, and I told the lady I didn't want to do it.  I cancelled it before it was even an event.  That is something I never before would have dreamed of doing.  I like to think that I am responsible, and if I say 'yes' than you can bet it will happen and get done.

Something I have learned and become bolder in over the past few months is watching out for myself, feeling the tension inside me rise, and listening to the worries that wake me in the middle of the night and taking them by the throat and strangling them rather than letting them haunt me until the day of.  I have become more inclined to listen to my inner well-being and stand up for it rather than being the girl who can conquer anything.  I've been that girl.  And she doesn't get much credit.  So if it doesn't hurt, I am going to slip out every once-in-awhile.

The Askingest Pigeon Around

I have always, always loved 'The Pigeon' books.  Ever since I found them in college and had them read to me on a day that definitely could have been better.  I still remember being in pjs and wrapped in a blanket, downstairs on the lovesacks that littered the common area of the freshmen dorms.  Levi brought a stack of children's books from the library and read them to me after a full day of classes and not feeling well.  "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus" was the only one available at that point and we read it three or four times before moving onto the next book.  Love that sassy pigeon.

We got "The Duckling gets a Cookie" not so long ago and it has become one of Alaska's favorites.  Not because she loves it, but because I love it.  Handsome Husband and I quote it back and forth in conversation and it has become quite the inside joke.  We need more.  Yesterday I got home from a bird release and Steven says, "Alaska is really 'the most askingest pigeon around'"  And I laughed.  Because I knew exactly what he meant.  She's always asking, 'what is this' and asking with a question in her voice, "momma" or "dia-dee" as she points to an article of one of ours.  Or asking for more milk.  The pointing game is one of her favorites and she'll point saying, "Dis?" to a dozen of objects, even if she points to the same object twice.  I always feel like she's quizzing me and I now understand why often, picture books made for little kids have word recognition built into them as each picture on the page is labeled.  They thought that was for the kids.  No.  That is for the parents when we can't think fast enough to name a duck.

My current hope is that even though she's not saying the words after me right now, she's practicing in her head and someday I will be amazed when she points to an object and says its name when she has never said it before.  Right now we are working heavily on colors and I am not hoping so much that she'll be saying the colors, but that she can recognize them.  The words will come soon enough, I am sure.

Rocking the Toddler to Sleep

Confession:  I rocked Alaska to sleep for her nap this afternoon.  She has been a champ at going down for naps and sleeping through the night since baby-age.  Like, pridefully good.

But lately she has better things to do than to take naps.  Play with Kitty Kitty, look at books, run around like a crazy and tag along behind me as I clean a bathroom and pick up the bedrooms.  I let is slide for two days and then that was enough.  After shutting her in her room for half a hour, I always caved at her 'tap-tap-tapping'.  She can't open doors yet, and we plan to keep it that way as long as possible.  Is that crippling a child?  I don't know.  But it keeps her in her room at nap time, and that is the battle right now.

Only, the peculiar thing about her nap-time scamming is that instead of playing with her toys, she tends to sit by the door and holler.  ALL of her toys are in her room.  But she sits at the door and cries with a diaper in hand.  Because she has learned that if I check on her and she's got a diaper in hand it guarantees a bum check, and that's 15 seconds more than if I were to walk in there and lay her in bed again.  Smart girl we've got on our hands here.

I had my battle armor on for today and left her in there for one hour and forty-five minutes.  Oh Please, don't look at me that way.  I can see the judging in your eyes.  I did check on her every half-hour.  And I did know she was fine.  And believe me, I felt every single cry for 'maaaaaamaaaaa' that came through that door.  It made it very hard to concentrate of anything else.  So keep your judgy eyes to yourself.

15 minutes before my last ditch effort of letting her out of her room I swaddled her and tucked her into my arms in our stuffed rocking chair.  I sang a few songs and her eyes were closed in 5 minutes.  A total of 10 minutes and I was laying her down in bed.

Those 10 minutes that I sang to her, I watcher her little face.  Those deep-brown eyes that have always looked back at me, so strong and alert.  Always alert from day one.  Her whipped cream complexion has been darkened by the sun and her skin tells the truth on me, that we don't always do lotion after baths anymore.  Her forehead tells of tears, a few spots of fresh skin that were healing under dark scabs during the warmest days of summer.  The scars will fade with the next sun tan in the spring.  But right now they peek, shy out of slumber.  Under usual circumstances she's moving too fast for anyone to notice.  Her small nose and miniature ears looks less like doll details and more child size.  I breathe in deep while kissing her forehead and it's not the same milky johnson's baby smell that filled my nose the last time I held her like this.  The only thing remotely the same, as my arm starts to tingle from her heavy head, is her eyelashes.  Long and feather-like, they always remind me of butterfly wings.  Softly curling at the edges as they swipe across the tops of her cheek.  Butterfly-like not only in their dainty design, but in the fact that just when you think a butterfly is going to stay a while, the lift up their wings and fly.  Just as you think those eyes are going to stay closed and they flutter open at the smallest movement.

I took her to bed and lay her down, eye-lids barely opening and kissed her one more time before tip-toeing out and closing the door.  She slept two hours and I got my 'my time' for one more day.

Christmas Browsing in November

Yesterday Alaska and I were having a hard day.  Not that it was hard, it was just long, really. Really long.  I didn't feel so well and I hated letting her watch Word World after her nap.  I needed a good pick-me up and Handsome Husband needed some poster board for a sign.  

As much as I dislike going to WalMart, that is where we headed.  I don't know.  It's so 'college' to me.  I would much rather spend a little extra and go somewhere locally owned where not everyone in their pajamas go.  But it's what we've got.  And sure, sometimes it's all the energy I have to get my hair done to get out the door and cute clothes would be the tipping point, but at least I wear yoga pants instead of my pink owl pj bottoms.  Let's show some respect around here.

We took our time and went straight back to the seasonal and walked through all the ready-made gift ideas, candy and your classic Christmas Bling.  Then through what used to be the garden section, turned out-door decor and wrapping.  Alaska loved Santa driving the airplane with a propeller that spun, all 8 ft of it.  It was hideous.  I picked up and smelled cinnamon pinecones and scentsicles smelling like Chritmas Tree, breathing in deep.  Winter White Fir.  Passed through the glass bulbs that have been replaced by safe plastic, losing their fragile appeal and landed among the classic ornaments of Disney characters and miniature leg lamps from 'A Christmas Story'.

 

There is something demanding about the season that requests to be seen, smelled and experienced.  Felt deep in the heart.  Our apartment right now is so cozy it easily feels cluttered if there is one item out of place.  We have two good sized half-walls that could simply collect things just by being.  I am constantly clearing them off and keeping them clutter free because it makes the biggest difference in the atmosphere as to how it feels and how I feel, besides vacuumed floors.

There's no place to put decorations, half-walls included because it doesn't matter what's on them, it feels like too much.  I left our Halloween and Thanksgiving decorations in their boxes this past season and thought the Christmas would have to stay packed up, as well.  But as I look around, we could use a little Christmas cheer.  As annoying as decorations are to put up and take down, they add enough to make it worth it.  I am anticipating the day when Alaska is excited about decorations and begs to pull the boxes down.  Setting her nativity up the day after Thanksgiving, like I used to.  And I'll embrace it again then.  But right now it just seems too big.  Except Christmas.  We're going to need some Christmas this year.  No tree.  We haven't got the room for that.  But some glass balls hanging from the ceiling is a Christmas tradition around here. 

This year I have big plans.  I've been saving money for a while now and have plans to set out Christmas for a couple of families.  I am really excited about it and have already started collecting ideas.  It makes it so wonderful, to be getting gifts for someone, and to have it be a surprise on top of it.  The kids are still young enough to believe in Santa if they wanted to and I've got plans that include lots of wrapping paper and lots of glitter.

My other big plan is to learn more about Christ.  To KNOW Him.  I mean, sure, I know your regular stuff and I've read Jesus the Christ, but I want to know more.  That is what my December is going to be about.  Christ and what He did with the short life He had and the people that He spent His time with.  It all seems so miraculous to me.  So magical and divine.  That a man could teach so much, in such a short time.  Touch so many lives, and not only those have been touched for generations.  But touch those that He literally touched.  I am always trying to be Christlike, because that's part of my promise that I made to Him when I was baptized.  But I think it's always good for us to immerse ourselves in the goodwill for others.  A great huge dunking of goodness where we notice the good we have been doing because we look for it and record it, not just because we are living it casually every day.

Bought some cinnamon scentsy today and plan to bring Christmas in with a huge hug!  Right after Thanksgiving, of course.