I've been doing a lot of internal searching. For what, I wasn't all that sure. But when I found it - I knew. And it filled me to the top and made me cry all over the place.
I started with typing into google search "Foster parent blogs" and came across a few and wasn't super intrigued and then found what I was looking for in droppinganchorsblog.com. It was exactly what I had been looking for that I hadn't known I had been looking for. A lot of fluffy, happy stories about the ending of a story of foster care turned into adoption. And I was wondering why the heck are there so many of these. And then realized, people write and talk about the extra-ordinary. People take photos of the extra-ordinary. These are written and recorded because they are extra. They are miracles. So many placements end in the child going to back to a mediocre, just barely good enough, home. A 'safe' home - nothing more. These stories that end in a happy adoption story after a couple of years in the system are miracles and stories that people like to share.
Nestled down on page 8, though, was the story that will continue to give me strength, so long as I can keep my wits about me. And by wits, I mean keep a clear mind and a clear heart and keep the 'but onlys' out of the way. A lot of people have the 'what ifs' give them problems. I have the 'but onlys' show up on my door and want to pound it down.
Like this one particular, "But it would only be a little bit longer" on the conditions of C moving in with her dad. I don't think they are going to make it to my mandated Spring Break - they are still waiting for a move-in date. So it would only be a little longer that I would need to keep C to make her transition as smooth as possible. To keep her from having to go to another foster home or anything before moving in with dad.
It's a big deal. And when I feel I have already reached my max. That we are just coasting right now. I am just hanging on. I am so tired of talking about her and her behavior goals. So tired of the correcting and re-directing. Just worn out. And the bonding. It's not there. I am still just her Jessica. Which is fine. It's fine for a girl who has reactive attachment disorder and wants to go home to her own family. It's just fine, and probably healthy. But it doesn't help our home life here. It's not sustainable for long term. It's hard to give this girl everything. Especially the patience, that her own mom can't give her, and to not be given the appreciation that could possibly be shown in the way of calling ME 'mom'. It's something that I want so bad, and can hardly explain why, and then immediately feel guilty about wanting.
Talmage doesn't trust C. At all. She is not his sister. Not even a little bit. The other day they were eating leftover fruit from a party I had hosted the night before. It was still on it's large serving platter and I had put it on the table. Each kid had a fork and was helping themselves. Talmage was a little too far to reach without getting down off his chair and coming around to get closer. C noticed that he was done with his piece and offered to put a new piece on for him. He declined. To prove a point, I asked if Alaska could put a piece on for him, and he gratefully handed his fork over for her to fix up.
There have been other instances of this dis-trust, too, and I just feel worn out and disheartened by it all. I knew that she wasn't going to be 'ours' from the beginning. And everyone always talks about how hard it is to love them and let them go and I guess we are being spared this experience for our first one. We had no idea what a good fit for us would have been back then, and probably would have said yes anyway. We have been able to be part of a great team and because of them I have been able to come this far without loosing my marbles. It's been a great, hard, all worth-it experience. But I have to stick to my guns about when enough is enough. And that is hard.
I am not a quitter. And can be driven on solely by the fact that hard things don't last forever and the idea of seeing something all the way through to the finish. There were plenty of semesters at college that stretched me and I knew it was only for '4 months' and anyone can do anything for 4 months, right? Hard stuff. Things like staying at the library until they closed at 11 and things like getting to the library by 4 am to do my custodial job of cleaning and vacuuming. 4 months. You can do it. And when the 4 months is over - it's just over. Not too many lasting, long-term effects other than a job done and well-done.
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