Sometimes my dreams and hopes and wishes are so powerful and big that they make me forget to breathe. Sometimes I look at my little family - my babies - and I want so much more. More love, smiles, hugs, sharing, laughing, more stories. Adding Talmage into our family made me realize even more than ever before that our family is not complete. His sweetness and the diversity that just one more person can add has awakened all my senses. Perhaps I am being falsely coaxed because he is just so incredibly wonderful and relaxed and mellow and I always feel like, "I've got this." More so than the, "What am I doing? I can't go out in public at all." I am rocking this Mommy thing and I am not afraid to say it like it is, and I want more.
I always knew that I had more love than just Alaska could handle and that my love would be expanded equally for all the children I have because that's what love does. It just grows and develops and oozes all over the place. What I didn't expect was that my love for Alaska would grow so tremendously by having another baby around. But I look at her and how she treats her little brother and look at him, how he smiles big and bounces around when he sees her after a mini absence and my heart just fills. And I want more of that. I know that with each addition our family gets that the love will keep growing and oozing until there's hardly room for anything else. Sure, I know there will be fights and hair pulling and pinching and biting, but perhaps those things make room for more love by giving opportunity for "I'm sorries" and "It's okays".
But I do remember the feeling of only wanting to be Alaska's momma. I wanted to be able to give her all of me. Everything. To be there for just her when she had a class party or to be able to record her every move at a recital when in all reality, there's a big chance I could miss it by taking someone to the bathroom that needed to go. As much as I still want all of that - I can feel the love magnify between the two kids and I want that everyday love more than I want the perfection of giving 100% of my attention all of the time. I can do this.
I want more babies to keep proving to myself that I've got this handled. I feel so stagnant. So... boring when I have to stay at home with the two of them. They are so easy and I am grateful for that because I don't have to worry about them when they are at the babysitters. It makes it easier for me to leave them and go sub. Which I absolutely love. Love love love. I definitely picked the right degree. Just flexible enough with just enough reward for working all day, it is absolutely perfect. I am really loving it, especially since I know they are with people who love them (Steven's parents) and I have a great back-up babysitter that loves on them, too, when I am working. But when we move and I don't have all that, I am going to need another baby to keep me busy.
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